Young children under age 9 need you to stay close when you make requests so you can ensure that they are able to follow through. When you call to your child, “Henry, get your shoes on!” You may find that he continues to do what he’s doing and your request falls on deaf ears. This isn’t because he is misbehaving or because he can’t hear or understand you (unless there is an actual hearing or cognitive problem). Children at this age often need our physical presence to help them follow-through with requests.

If you can consider the first stage of development the stage of the child’s “will” then you may understand that young children use their will to do things – to play, to listen, to cooperate, to share, etc. Most children need you to help them strengthen their will to do things such as listen, cooperate, and share (not so much to play!).

I know this sounds odd because our culture has defined a child who is defiant as a “strong-willed” child. From this different perspective, a child who does not listen nor cooperate actually is exhibiting a weak will and it is evident that they need your support.

The steps to “cure” the child who doesn’t listen to your requests requires you to change your own behavior, rather than theirs. Young children also aren’t ready for a lot of choices and interestingly, I’ve learned that consequences for children under 7 are not as effective as many of us have been led to believe. Some would even say that this is based on brain development, not just opinion.

First, you have to limit the number of requests you make of your young children. In the morning to get ready for school, for example, there are about 10 things you could ask them to do so you can make it on time out the door. You will have more success and an easier morning if you limit that number to about 3-4 requests that you want to ensure they follow-through. The idea is that you never want to make a request that you allow your child to ignore or not do.  What happens when you allow your child to ignore your requests or you find yourself repeating your request getting more and more frustrated, is that the brain creates a pathway…  “Mom wants me to get my shoes on. Mom is going into the kitchen so I don’t need to do this right now. I will keep playing with these toys and she will come ask me again. I don’t really need to listen until she’s yelling.” It isn’t that the child is actually thinking this, it’s that this is what her brain has learned from experience, over and over again.

So, to rewire her brain for more “listening ears” and cooperation..

1. Make fewer requests

2. Stay close to her physically and quietly insist the request is heard and the child does what they’ve been asked.

3. Remain calm and continue to quietly insist through her defiance “This is what we’re doing right now. We’re getting our shoes on. Yes, I hear that you want to play right now. We’re getting our shoes on right now.”

Staying calm and physically present are essential.

With this approach you do not use time-out, threats, or consequences. You say, “Henry, time to put your shoes on.” You state the request without a lot of explaining and unnecessary words, stay close so he isn’t distracted, point to the shoes, put the shoes in his hands if needed – the shoes are put on – success. Currently, many parents are using repetition, making requests from another room, or from far away, over explaining and talking a lot! and then frustration sets in the more you feel ignored which can lead any parent down a road of anger and yelling.

You want to change the pattern from…

request = more requesting and cooperation from fear of mom’s anger to

request = listening and cooperation.

If you can’t stay close enough to ensure that your request is heard and cooperation can be encouraged, don’t make that request. This is the hardest part of this approach. Parents are used to making requests and walking away or making requests from another room.

Do you have to make requests and stay close to your child for the rest of their childhood?

No! Thank goodness kids are smart and their brains are amazing. Usually you will start to see a will strengthening (a strong will is one that is cooperative and listens) between ages 7-9 years. However, if a parent has not been strengthening a child’s will, even a teenager may need your physical presence in order to become a more cooperative, respectful, and responsible person (and I’m sure we can all guess how well that goes over with a tween or teen!). So, it really benefits both the parents and the children  when parents start this approach from the moment you begin to make requests of your child.

Making a request is just like creating another routine.

What you’re essentially doing is helping to rewire your child’s brain in the first 7 years so that it learns a pattern. “Mom makes a request. There’s no choice whether I can or cannot do it. I cooperate with mom.” What we’re doing is establishing a child who is less stressed (no one is upset or angry with them), more cooperative, and listens. There’s more clarity, less talking and explaining, and ultimately a calmer home environment.

This approach is briefly mentioned in Simplicity Parenting and of course we can remember our communication goal for ourselves with Payne’s mantra… “If it’s not true, kind, or necessary, I won’t say it to my child.”