This Week’s Small Change – Develop Your Skills as a Benevolent Queen
Post written by simplicity on 21 February 201110 Comments
It’s so common for parents to believe that they are respecting their young children by providing them with choices and freedom and decision-making, when, in fact, the power you are bestowing upon them is such a burden to them and can be the very reason for tantrums and defiance. Ultimately, if continued over time, you can develop your little one into the family tyrant.
Communication is critical.
This week, let’s focus on ensuring that we are stating our few requests calmly, providing rhythm and structure (rather than choices), and that we are establishing a high standard in how we want our children to speak to us (your child may not demand things, she may ask with courtesy and kindness).
You are the benevolent Kings and Queens of your home. You provide structure and predictability and a solid knowing of what will happen next.
More parents in our generation believe that their children should have choices throughout the day – about what they want to do and where they want to go. There are times when a small choice is appropriate. However, developmentally, it provides greater security and more cooperation in the child when parents take the lead, act confidently, have clear boundaries, make requests and ensure their child follows-through.
It is so tempting to allow your little ones, with their emotions and their tantrums, to make decisions. It’s amazing how bossy a 4 year old can become and how easily you can let yourself give into their demands, if you aren’t careful. You must teach a child how you want to be treated. Parent out of knowing what is right, not out of fear of your child’s tantrums.
I remember an incident when my daughter was frustrated with her brother and hit him. He said nothing to her and ran to me, “She hit me!”
I told him, “Don’t ever let anyone hit you. Go back to her and tell her, “You may not ever hit me.”
When my children get frustrated with me and start to yell, “I want to go now!” I recognize that it is my job to teach them how I want to be treated. “You may not yell at me. We don’t talk to each other like that in our family. Try again and say, “Mom, I’m ready to go.” ”
Are you giving your little one too many choices?
Are you teaching him or her how to treat you and others?
Effective benevolent Kings and Queens do not allow their princes and princesses to rule the kingdom. Developmentally, your princes and princesses are happier when you confidently and wisely take the lead.
I find this increasingly challenging as my children get older. How can I modify my rule over the castle with an 8 year-old and a thirteen year-old?!
Hi Judy,
I highly recommend the mp3 download in the simplicity store of The Soul of Discipline. This will really help you figure out a discipline philosophy. Click here for the store link.
Wow! This is perfect for me today! My 3 and 6 year old woke me up demanding a breakfast smoothie and fighting over who got to put in which ingredient!!! At 6am I certainly didn’t have my crown on straight! I am inspired to figure out how breakfast making will go in the castle and to be clear with the prince and princess regarding their roles!!! Thanks for reminding me that I’m the queen and not the court jester juggling balls to entertain the court!!!…How could I have forgotten.
This makes me reflect on my day. How attentive am I in these moments, or how distracted am I trying to move onto the next task. It seems that for any meaningful message to get across, pausing and taking care is very important. I feel that I try to reinforce “polite speech” with my 3 year old daughter, though she always seems to revert back to old ways and I find myself rephrasing it every time. I think I would feel more satisfied with this whole process if I just stopped what I was engaged in, and really tended to how I want to be treated. In the end, the more respect you give yourself, then the more you can give to your children. Thanks for the insight.
I have the Soul of Discipline, and I love the philosophy, but I could use help to come up with the practical details. What do I do when I ask my son (8) or daughter (4) to “pass the salt” (as KJP says), but they don’t do it? What do I do when they are told they may, or must, do something, but don’t comply? I like the idea of not punishing, but how do I respond creatively to defiance?
This is a great question for our Circle Forum – http://www.simplicityparenting.com/blog/circle-forum/ – there you can post your question and receive more support and a dialogue with other simplifying families. We hope you’ll come on over!
thank you Raelee
this is a most inspiring picture to share with parents, to encourage them to take the lead and be in charge during the early years. I will use this imagery in my work with parents of young children.
Thanks for this WONDERFUL post. This is exactly what I needed to hear. It’s so easy to overcomplicate things when really, simple works much better.
Thank you. I am loving the posts on this site, as well as the comments. So helpful and supportive.
Absolutely perfect for today. I wanted to have my 2-y-o daughter help plan our day- we drew out a calendar and everything- only to have her reject our plan for a morning hike and throw a tantrum about wanting to stay home! “I thought you wanted to hike today?” “NO!” Giving her so much choice, I think, really overwhelmed her. So we stayed home, and I’m planning to take that hike on Friday.
Leave your response!
Sign up for Posts
Social Networks
Categories
Archives
Featured Product
Small Change Challenge
Nourishing Food
Simplicity Stories
Powered by WordPress | Arthemia Revisited by Miles Lane based on Arthemia | Log in | 74 queries. 0.461 seconds.