Surely you’ve noticed how many amazing guest bloggers we have here at Simplicity Parenting who share with us their simplifying triumphs with their young children.  But what about simplifying when you have older kids?  Those tween years and the inevitable teen years are right around the corner for these families and some of you are right smack in the middle of it.

How do you simplify with an 11 year old?  With a 15 year old?

Fortunately, we are in the process of recruiting more guest bloggers who are parents of tweens and teens to help us, help you!

We would love to have just as many families of tweens and teens sharing their tips of living counter culture as we do of families with little ones.

Adolescence is a particularly “feverish” developmental stage, according to Kim Payne.  He describes it as a time of “polarities” – which means twofoldedness; this is the idea that your youth swing from needing your support and guidance to pushing you away.

Your tween and teen want so much to belong and yet will isolate themselves in their room more than ever before.  You might have a teen who you would definitely define as being “over-scheduled” while another teen could be described as a “dead weight on the couch.”  With you, your teen is opinionated and unyielding, but with their peers s/he is the “picture of conformity, a wet noodle of agreement and acquiescence.”  It is challenging and befuddling to know exactly how to go about navigating these rough waters with your teen, whom you once felt you knew so well, and whom you still recognize at times, only to discover in a moment that they have switched into their teen persona, once again putting distance and dissonance between you.

These years of adolescence will need your commitment to model qualities that stretch you.  You’ll rely on the patience and flexibility you practiced in the first 9 years, but it will be taken to all time new level!  You will need to rely on tools like compromise and consultation.

Your teen is on a path of learning how to self-regulate. All of this zig-zagging around emotionally and behaviorally is a normal path of this developmental stage.  Your youth is developing his/her brain in the areas of judgment and reason and what is most required from a parent is the consistency and steady predictability of home life.  If you thought rhythm was something only for young children than you’ll need to sit down.  It isn’t the time to think that 12 hour work days are, necessarily, a good idea.  In the younger years your child needed your supervision, now your teen needs your presence for the emotional support more than ever.

You’ll need to remain a steady, calm force for your busy, emotional, moody tween who now has a daily and weekly schedule booked with outside activities and outings with friends and seemingly, no time for family dinners or plans.  Create at least 3 or more family meal times each week and remain firm with your teen that these remain a priority, despite their social calendar.  Embody warmth, calm, and firmness.

Something that will serve you well in these years will be excellent listening skills.  You want to create an openness that allows your teen to feel they can tell you anything.  The more they believe that your anger, judgment, and dictator personality will reveal itself when they do confide in you, the less likely they will be to seek you out for guidance.  Tell your tween and teen often that you love and support them, no matter their choices.  That whatever happens, you’ll be here to help.  You can share your disapproval without withdrawing your love.

No doubt it is a frightening thought to know your teen may tell you something you don’t want to hear.  What seems to be true about this age is that you can’t schedule or plan connection.  You have to consistently provide opportunity for it.  Yes, your teen will complain and maybe even roll her eyes about having to hang out for a family dinner.  But know this for sure – that because of your warmth, quiet presence, and open listening, they’ll also feel your love.