This Week’s Small Change – What To Do When Your Child Behaves Inappropriately
Post written by simplicity on 16 May 201115 Comments
Sometimes you just wish you had a simple technique as an option when your child, tween, or teen is doing something you do not approve of. If you’re a fan of Kim Payne then you may know that he works with schools using the Social Inclusion approach.
The Social Inclusion Approach teaches a “justice without blame” method to conflict resolution. It can easily be adapted for parents at home with their children.
This approach, developed and refined over 25 years, supports the parent, drawing on their deep connection with their child. Without blaming and stigmatizing the child who has made a mistake or done something harmful, it brings the child face to face with the implications of their actions.
Here’s the approach Kim suggests parents use and adapt with children ages 8 and older…
Disapprove – Affirm – Discover – Do-Over
First…DISAPPROVE
Begin by expressing clear disapproval for the action, “It is hurtful to behave as you did.” “We don’t speak that way in our family.” Speak with quiet directness. Mean it.
And…AFFIRM
We know that we are supposed to separate a child’s actions from his/her whole being but it’s not always easy. To achieve this, disapproval needs to be followed up right away by an affirmation…”You hardly ever speak like that.” “So often you say helpful things.”
Then…DISCOVER
Then the adult discovers what the subtle issues are, “What’ up?” “Something must be bothering you.” This question must come at the right time to get an honest response.
Finally…DO-OVER
When the issue is clarified the adult can help the child to do it over. “Let’s work out a way to say what you need to say without being hurtful/without hitting.” “You’ll need to make up for the words you used but then you can say what is bothering you.”
In this way we honor everyone’s needs while acknowledging our responsibilities toward others.
So, what does one do for younger children?
Hi Julie,
You have to adapt it more for younger children as it is very wordy. If you haven’t yet listened to Kim’s Soul of Discipline audio, I highly recommend it. In it he shares a wonderful model for us to follow. This method described in this post, I find that disapproval and do-over work best with the younger set – quick and to the point and getting right to the action. Parents today tend to talk too much to their children ages 0-7. Over-explaining can be a root cause of anxiety in kids. For more great info about parenting young children I recommend that you read this post and this one.
With a small child it is effective (in the case of aggressive behavior of any kind) to briefly comfort the victim saying “Ouch, that hurts” in front of the aggressor. Then firmly redirect the aggressor. Do the same for the aggressor when someone hurts him – “Ouch, that hurts.” Small children are learning empathy. By repeatedly modeling kindness and empathy, most small children learn eventually to see others. The lesson is not learned with one encounter, but with many repetitions.
Step 1 and 2 would need to be reversed in my family. Mine is hypersensitive to rejection.
This was so helpful in teaching my son peacefulness. He is almost 7, and the same steps slightly adapted helped us to 1. name the actions that were unacceptable, 2. name his truth in the situation, and 3. most importantly, reflect and decide what he would do if he had a do-ver. That do-over part is so key!
Thanks for such a thought provoking article. I think I can try this at school tommorrow. The last 2 weeks of kindergarten are so tough.
Where can you get the soul of discipline audio?
Thanks again.
Hi One Pink Fish,
Our CDS and audios are in our on-line store on the Store page.
Erika,
That is a wonderful suggestion! Thank you. I think that is a great idea for many young children, depending on their temperament, how they can handle disapproval.
[...] This Week’s Small Change – What To Do When Your Child Behaves Inappropriately - “Sometimes you just wish you had a simple techniqueas an option when your child, tween, or teen is doing something you do not approve of.” [...]
I’ve recently done some training in Restorative Practice and I see some similarities here – Restorative Practice talks about developing empathy, restoring the harm, and discharging shame healthily.
Thank you for another way of looking at this issue!
Hi Raelee. I listened to the Soul of Discipline and I was still left with the question of what to do when a young child (3, 4, 5, etc.) does something unacceptable. Biting, hitting, grabbing, pushing, etc. are all big things that come to mind. If you are at the park and your child hits another child, for example, what do you do? Steps one to three? (You can’t really re-do that, so perhaps step four doesn’t apply here?) What about natural consequences????? (Like going home.) There’s a lot of talk about natural consequences and boundaries in gentle parenting and Waldorf sites. Where are natural consequences in this? I really do hope to hear some thoughts from you. Thank you, Elizabeth
Elizabeth,
Absolutely! Using your intuition is always encouraged. The best thing to do with any inappropriate behavior from our children is to be preventative and wise. Our little one’s behavior is a symptom of something that’s not quite right. The situation may be too much for them to handle and they are in need of their parent’s wisdom to control the situation. Often we want tips and techniques that tell us how to manage or control our child. Boundaries for young children are critical and we can set boundaries and limits for our child without damaging the relationship we have between us. Focus on controlling the situation, be okay of your child’s upset when a boundary needs to be drawn. Your comforting authority is welcome, “we’ll get through this day together, love. Let’s get home now; mama won’t let anyone get hurt.”
Hi Raelee. Thank you for your reply. I especially like what you write at the end, that “we’ll get through this day together, love. Let’s get home now; mama won’t let anyone get hurt.” It would be really great if you wrote more on this, like in a post specifically on boundaries for young children or what do to when young children behave in unacceptable ways. Thanks, again.
SO EXCELLENT!!
“we’ll get through this day together, love. Let’s get home now; mama won’t let anyone get hurt.”
LOVE IT!
Definitely love that closing statement! My 2-y-o daughter hit another child at the park the other day. I gave her a short time-out, then had her apologize, but I’m not really sure if the message is getting across. I like all of these ideas here, especially emphasizing the affirmation- she really is a very loving, empathetic little girl most of the time.
Leave your response!
Sign up for Posts
Social Networks
Categories
Archives
Featured Product
Small Change Challenge
Nourishing Food
Simplicity Stories
Powered by WordPress | Arthemia Revisited by Miles Lane based on Arthemia | Log in | 67 queries. 3.138 seconds.