Have you found creating a healthy routine to be an uphill battle?

Kim writes, “Many parents understandably have four main concerns around routine. Firstly, we can resist introducing routines with our own families as it can push our old biographical buttons about our own upbringing. Secondly, routine can be associated with being boring. Routines can be the cause if a lot of family friction. And lastly, routine can risk squashing our families freedoms and spontaneity. So here is my response…

If we shift our conversation from thinking about it as “routine” and instead see it “rhythm” we right away change the game. Routine can be boring, rigid, cold and enforced. Rhythm, on the other hand, can build relationships, be flexible and warm. The difference? When we apply rhythm we stay close to our children rather than send them off to do their chores. We start by making the time together where we do something at the same time each day fun, a little lighthearted and something to look forward to. We are firm but warm. It builds relationships and closeness. But most of all applying rhythm to the predictably difficult moments of each day, the flash points around transitions are a good example, we help the kids get into a slip stream of rhythm rather than resisting and fighting us. If transitioning out of the house in the mornings to get to day care or school is a problem then introduce warm, calm and firm rhythms where you do it the same way, at the same time every day. Sure, it requires you to find more form within yourself, but the pay off is amazing.

One parent commented on our Simplicity Parenting Face Book page, “Before making my home predicable and rhythmical everything was a fight, everything was hard, now even when there is some difficulty it is so easy to keep moving forward into a well grooved rhythm rather than getting stuck in my son’s resistance. Yes it took some doing but it is so worth it.”

The most valuable suggestion I took from the chapter regarding toys is this:  The best toys are open-ended.  Open-ended toys are not locked into any one role (i.e., “dinosaur” or “police car”), but they can become many different things.  Open-ended toys allow the child’s imagination to take their play in any direction they dream up.  After focusing on this (with regards to our toy collection in the house) over the last couple of years, I can testify that this really has revolutionized the way my kids play.

There are many examples of great open-ended toys, but these are a few of the favorites in our house:

1.  BLOCKS

All kinds of blocks!  I ordered our first set of unit blocks three years ago and I can say confidently that this is the best toy purchase we’ve ever made.  Blocks grow with the children, so they are not tossed out in a year when they become boring.  My two year old loves stacking them, and my 4 year old loves creating with them….castles, pirate ships, restaurants, car washes, marble runs, zoos…you name it, these blocks have played the part!  These are used daily in our house, and I don’t see them losing the boys’ interest any time soon.

We found some tree blocks on etsy to add to our block bin last year — these are what you think, literally just sanded down pieces of fallen trees.  They add some great natural texture and interest to the kids’ creations.  These, too, have been everything from pirate’s cannons to kings and queens.

One other type of block (which pairs well with unit blocks) is a montessori-style rainbow block we found recently – the boys love building with these translucent blocks in the window light and mixing the colors they cast.

2.  DRESS UP CLOTHES

Again, we’ve found that the “open-ended” rule definitely applies here!  We have some costumes that are pretty specific (i.e., “policeman”), and those are nice, but almost invariably, when my son goes to dress up, he comes out in a nondescript scrap of fabric I have in his dress-up bin, as a character he’s created all on his own.  See, it’s fun to be a policeman, but a simple navy play silk allows him to be “Midnight Worm” – or whatever else he imagines that day. Dress up clothes don’t need to be expensive!  Large scraps of fabric, play silks, wigs, bandanas, second-hand clothes from the thrift store – all excellent choices to inspire open-ended play.

3.  HOMEMADE TOYS

You don’t have to be a DIY queen (or king) to make these happen.  A homemade batch of play dough has hours and hours of fun to offer – and truly can become whatever your child imagines!

My son recently needed some little men for a castle he was building, and he drew his own on index cards and we made little cardboard stands for them.  That might seem silly, but they have had prominent roles in his last three creations, as knights, kings, pirates, and restaurant workers.  They’re starting to look a little beat up now, but he cherishes them as much as any store-bought toy we have.

More and more, I’m encouraging my little guys to create their own toys – When they need a boat, they know they can fold one out of paper.  When they need a parachute, they reach for the coffee filters and yarn, and they know they have all they need to create one.  I hope this will nurture an inventive spirit in them and a can-do attitude that will benefit them all their lives.

Open-ended toys give children freedom that other toys don’t.  With this freedom and possibility, play becomes a sacred time, a meditative time, something your child can truly be lost in as they create things that no Disney movie or toy store could ever dream up!  Open-ended toys allow the child’s unique ideas to shine through – and provide an opportunity for you to witness your children’s own unique brilliance each time they sit down to create.

Perhaps you have some other favorites in your home – please share what your favorites are, especially those of you who have older children!

Here are some other articles on simple toys you may enjoy!

Toys that Encourage Creative Play – Written by Jennifer Donohue of the Parentmap

Old Fashioned Play Builds Serious Skills – Written by Alex Spiegel of NPR

Creative Play Makes for Kids in Control – Written by Alex Speigel of NPR

Smartest Toys Can be the Simplest - Written by Liz Szabo of USA Today

Traci lives near Austin, Texas with her husband and two little boys.  You can visit her blog, Educated for Love, or see the visual daily rhythm charts she makes at A Kid’s Day.

Last week, Bamboo Magazine featured an interview with Kim John Payne in their “Conscious Close Up”:

]]> http://www.simplicityparenting.com/2012/02/simplicity-parenting-movement-in-the-news/feed/ 0 http://www.simplicityparenting.com/2012/01/getting-beyond-the-weather/ http://www.simplicityparenting.com/2012/01/getting-beyond-the-weather/#comments Mon, 30 Jan 2012 22:31:57 +0000 Bhagavan Bauer http://www.simplicityparenting.com/?p=5205 Have you ever had one of those conversations where, no matter what questions you ask, the conversation never went past, “Hey, how are you? How’s the weather?” My relationship with my father had been that way for as long as I could remember. Conversations rarely got beyond the superficial formalities. Everything was always just ok and the conversations usually lasted five minutes. I longed for a deeper connection with him. I wanted him to open up to me and let me know what was ...]]>

Then recently I had a conversation with him that lasted 45 minutes and ended with him saying he felt very satisfied and fulfilled with it. You can imagine how I felt. Totally elated! I wanted every conversation to be like that. I asked myself, what was different in that conversation and the few in the past that took it to a deeper level??

I discovered the secret to getting beyond the superficial conversation about the weather. Would you like to know what it was?

The first element is a committed level of focus. When we first check to see if a person is in the middle of something, we can schedule an appropriate time to call facilitating their ability to pay attention and relax into a deeper conversation. So, first check in to make sure they can give you their full focus and attention.

Now to the secret “weapon” I discovered: The secret is a willingness to be vulnerable.

Being vulnerable is peeling back the layers and opening yourself up completely to another without worrying about what they will think of you (their judgments). So it had to do with me taking the plunge of being vulnerable and not expecting my father to open up..

In your relationship with your kids, do your kids ask you what’s going on in your life or do they ask you to support their needs? My guess is that more often than not, they ask you to help them. It is natural for parents to support the needs of their children.

In my relationship with my father I learned to step back into the role of being a child. I had not been allowing him to be the parent, to support me. Everything was always okay or great with me. There was no space for my father to enter in.

In many of our relationships our conversations remain superficial because we are only attempting to dig into the other person’s life and to solve their problems instead of opening up and sharing the struggles we’re having. As I was able to open my heart to my dad and share with him the challenges I was having instead of trying to fix and change him, he could easily step into the role of the parent. I finally allowed him the space to be my father. From that place, he was then able to feel comfortable enough to open up and share his life with me.

To get beyond those superficial conversations, allow yourself to be vulnerable. Take the dive into your heart and open up. When we share from our heart, rather than our head – there is a lot more juice and others can more easily relate to our real feelings, as they also have probably experienced similar challenges.

P.S. I tested it again last night, and after overcoming the initial resistance to opening myself up I had an amazing “One and a Half hour” conversation with my father.

Bhagavan and his wife have two school aged boys and are Waldorf-inspired home-schoolers.  Currently living in Gainesville, FL Bhagavan is a Simplicity Parenting Group Leader and will be starting a 7 week Simplicity Parenting Group in early March.To contact him or find out more information about the upcoming SP workshops visit joyfilledparenting.com

Each time I introduce the third pillar of simplicity, scheduling, I often say, “perhaps we ought to call it ‘unschedule’ because what we attempt to do in creating a schedule is to create time for empty spaces, connection with one another, daydreams and self care. Another way to describe it is “you cannot transform what you are not aware of.” A schedule offers us on a spiritual level as the leader of our family, a full awareness, an eagle’s eye view, of our family’s movement and activity during each week.

I was as disorganized and disinclined to schedule as anyone you will find on the planet. In fact, I was resistant to creating a schedule as if it were an opposing political party or strange religious sect. “I’m too spontaneous for a schedule. I like it to be fun.” “Schedules are for people whose hair ribbons match their sox- NOT ME!” “I don’t have those skills.” “I can’t do it!”

You can imagine what a fraud I felt like the first time I led a Simplicity Parenting session on scheduling. I remember offering the paper and pencils to everyone and saying, “I don’t know what to do either, let’s just try it.” I was so nervous I couldn’t even remember what my family did so I just concentrated on a nice color combination of pencils. Hey, it’s a start!

For some time after that I would suggest to my family, “I think we ought to have a regular family meeting and make a schedule.” Though the hum of the bustling activity, and the outbreaks of fighting over who was making us late, what was there to eat for lunch and of course, where are the sox, always drowned out the chance of ….a schedule, confirming “ I can’t do it, it’s not me.”

I did something this summer to mark my intention to simplify. I stopped. I stopped offering simplicity parenting and other groups. I stopped volunteering. I stopped making plans. My children are now 13, 11 and 8 and one might think that at this point I would have more time for “work”. And yet I chose to stop working and doing many other things in part because I was so deeply dissatisfied with the ways we had begun to communicate. I was saddened by the fighting and sarcasm developing between my children. I found the sounds of sarcasm and fighting was bringing up a lot of fear within myself and found myself often feeling angry. Being over-scheduled did not improve this condition.

I never would have thought that scheduling had anything to do with how I was feeling or my children’s communication skills. I simply stopped in part because I recognized that my oldest will be entering high school in two years and this may be one of the last summers that we all spend together. I decided to think about our summer vacation as an opportunity to build the sibling relationships. I stopped seeking out play dates and sleepovers so that I could work, and honored the primary work I have chosen, to be present as a mother. My husband had a busier than usual summer of work so I decided to accept that he was not going to be available, stop offering classes and use the time I might find to create a yearly schedule for myself that would then be awebsite for my offerings. This activity would also have an intention of caring for myself and keeping me home and quiet so that I could offer my attention toward improving the dynamics between my children.

We hear so often of the importance of emotional intelligence. 

Kim warns against the habit of “emotional temperature taking” that many parents have with their children, and adds, specifically, to avoid too much talk about feelings with children under age 9.

“We monitor their feelings, asking them to describe those feelings, to express them, to talk about them.  We expect our children to have a complex awareness of their own emotions, with the insight and vocabulary to convey that awareness.  While our intentions are well-meaning – “Honey do you think your anger at your sister might also be a little jealousy?  Can you tell her how you feel inside?” – this emotional monitoring has an unexpected effect.  It rushes kids along, pushing them into a premature adolescence.”

“Too Much Sharing of Feelings with Kids?”, a recent article in the New York Times explores the issue from yet another fascinating angle, and gives great insight into the way our emotional monitoring comes across to our children.

So how, exactly, do we nurture emotional intelligence?  Young children may not always be able to talk about their emotions, but they can often set things right by doing.  They need to find their lost toy, dig a big hole, paint a picture, throw something (Kim suggests turning this into a game, perhaps pretending you are bouncing a ball over molten lava…anything to get the energy out without hurting someone!)  By engaging the world in a physical way, like this, children can often deal successfully with big emotions.  We can trust that, in time, they will be able to talk about them as well.

Check out the article to find out what they said.  Do you have more parenting resolutions of your own?  Share them with others in the comments!   Many blessings for 2012!

This time of year, all of us are looking for a little inspiration for ways to connect as a family.

Betsy (Texas), shares, “This school year has brought about a change in routine for us, since all three kids are now in elementary school. We’ve been deliberate about still continuing to eat breakfast together, dinner together every night around the table, read books together, pray together, but we have really missed the amount of time we were spending together doing things.
So my husband and I set out to gather ideas that we thought would be fun to do as a family, and then create an Advent Family challenge calendar. Our rules are that we do them as a family each day, everyone has to participate, and no one can lose it as a part of a consequence. Every morning one of the kids pulls out the card from the day’s pocket and reads aloud what we’ll do. It might be create an ornament to give away, decorate your bedroom door, make homemade pizza and watch a movie, make ice cream snowman sundaes.
We’ve really enjoyed it. It is an intentional way for us to make sure we are connecting, spending time together & having a ton of fun along the way!”

Samantha (UK), shares, “Our favourite family tradition at this time of year relates to celebrating Advent. My son has a beautiful wooden Advent lorry that we bought him in France when he was a baby, with a drawer for each day of Advent, and my daughter has an Advent angel/doll, with a pocket for every day of Advent. So each day, I put either a couple of raisins or a small piece of licorice inside the relevant drawer/pocket, together with a small picture of something or someone that relates to the day. This is always really simple and does not involve spending much money or having big outings; it may be a picture of mince pies, to show that we are going to either eat or make some, or a photo of ducks that we often feed at a nearby pond, or of a Christmas tree, to show that we are going to decorate it today, or a photo of a close friend or relative who we will be seeing that day, and so on. Occasionally I splurge on a Christmassy story book or a theatre show as a treat for them, and put a photo of that in there. It is really fun to do, costs very little and brings so much joy – they both rush downstairs every morning to see what is in their Advent lorry/dolly today.”

Danielle (Cape Cod, MA) says, “Our favorite [holiday ritual] is our traditional advent reading.  My husband is a commuter, so he usually gets home late. We always put on all the lights inside and out for him. We light our dozens of candles and try to have something warm to eat for him. The house smells good and just feels really cozy with everyone in their jammies waiting for PaPa to get home.  After hugs and kisses, he settles in with us all around him to read the book we have chosen this year.  With the candles and Christmas lights it’s pure magic to listen to him reading the chapters. The kids get sleepy and are ready for prayers. It’s a magical way for a day to end.”

This week the Mother Company featured Simplicity Parenting in a wonderful article;  “What Too Many Toys Can Do.” I think you’ll enjoy it, and hope it will give some encouragement to all of us to keep our shopping lists kid-sized, small, simple – remembering the contentment that comes with having enough.

Christmas is my favourite time of year.  I love it for its beauty in the bringing together and celebrating of those we love in our lives.  And the celebrating of something greater than all of us, whatever that may be for each person.  That’s the magic, right?  What makes it special is the very part we can’t quite put into words and explain.

Though I have a lot of Christmas decorations that have been handed down to me and acquired over the years, I’ve decided that this year I’ll be very choosy about what comes out in an effort to help capture that magic.  Our house is already full enough, and I don’t want the decorations to make it feel overwhelming.  Some garland, a nativity set, the tree, of course.  It will be enough.  And through that we can focus on the true meaning of the holidays.  For us, we’ll turn toward the ritual and tradition that fills this season- Advent, St. Nicholas’ Day, Christmas.  In many ways, the it’s the addition of these added celebrations that help in slowing down to take in the moment.  Knowing, too, that how we choose to celebrate is also choosing what kind of experience Coco will have.  Will it be lots of in and out of the car, gifts upon gifts to tear open Christmas morning, and other busyness?  Or will it be reverence, stepping slowly through the festivities, taking it all in like a deep breath; enjoying and creating the space for her to fall in love with the season.

I had this chance as a child.  The magic of all of it lives deep in my heart.  We always had a tree, the special Christmas books were brought out each year, and the same friends visited us every Christmas Eve for a moonlit walk through the woods in search of a yule log to burn.  It was the same every year, and looking back I’m grateful to my parents for nurturing the magic in these very simple ways.  As we approach a very big season, celebrated in very different ways across the globe, I look for inspiration in how best to create magic for Coco, and for myself and Sean, and I turn toward our values and family intention in bringing that magic to life.

Yesterday was the first day of Advent, and it feels to me like a lovely quiet hush that falls over us and transforms the days and weeks before Christmas into a time of inner warmth and ritual; days spent telling stories, lighting candles, and inviting the peace of the holidays to settle in.  Wishing you much of the same as you bring the magic of the holidays to life!

Gwen Elliott is inspired by family feasts, celebrations and rituals, and the magic of everyday, simple living.  She lives in North Vancouver with her husband, daughter and faithful black dog, Scout.  Her inspiration to build family foundations and traditions is chronicled on her blog, barn raising.