Hello, and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. This week, I'm going to pick up a theme that we've covered from time to time in various ways, but I want to put this sort of weave some of these things together a little bit. And that's these three pieces, these three lovely steps, when things aren't going well, to first of all connect, then correct, and then after that, direct.
What I mean by that is so often we can find ourselves in situations with our kids where we try to either correct them and talk about what they're doing is not good, and that's not what you're meant to do, and that is not what we do in our family, and so on. And we move straight into that space. Or we move straight into the space of directing them where we tell them, look, just leave it, all right? I want you to go over and, and it's like, and you're directing them right away.
You're directing them to do something. Now, that may work sometimes, but your odds of that working are relatively low, because the one missing piece is connecting with them first. In terms of having a much better chance of a child or a tween or a teen be able to take the correction you're making to what they've done and then follow a new direction that you're giving is to connect with them first.
What I mean by this is, let's say something has gone wrong. They've been fresh to you. Something's gone wrong with siblings, or they're being defiant, or just it's not going well, right? They're refusing to clean up their room, if they're older, like clean up their toys if they're little, or it's just not going well.
The first step is to connect with them by just, you know, you can obviously, things aren't going well, but before you say anything, just come sit beside them if you can and just say, you know what? It's not going so well, but you know what? This morning, you were really helpful. You were, you know, you helped out well. We got that done.
We cleaned up all the stuff in the backyard, and then by the time the rains came, all the tools were packed up. You can be super helpful. You can.
You can be really, really helpful, and I know it, but what's happening right now, it's just not helpful. It's just, it's not. Now, what you've done there is connect first, right? You've connected by giving a very practical-based little affirmation.
You just sat on down beside them and haven't shouted from the next room. You've taken some time just to sit and not move and not be sort of pacing about, shouting out instructions, but you've taken that just 10 or 15 seconds just to sit on down and just talk to them. Now, the reason this is particularly important, obviously connecting is important, obviously, but why? The connecting point, and those of you who have read some of my stuff, you know, and listened to these other podcasts will know that I often talk about it, you know, that personally for me that I've never met a disobedient child ever, and I've met some right little rotters, I can tell you, but I've never met a disobedient child.
What I've met is a disoriented one. Some of you will be familiar with that. It's a question of disorientation, emotional, they're emotionally lost.
Now, in that moment of disconnection to themselves, to their environment, to their brother, their sister, to you, in that moment of disconnection, of disorientation, and it's uncomfortable, it's actually really uncomfortable for them, if you sit on down beside them or just stand quietly nearby as best you can and remind them of a time when they were connected, like the example I gave is bringing all the tools in from outside and how that was, we did that really quickly and it was great, and the rain came so quickly and we did it. You know, I know, I know we can work together. That's what you're saying in as many words.
By remembering that you're saying, number one, you're helpful and you can do that, and number two, we are connected and nothing can change that. This feeling that you have right now is fleeting because underneath that is a much bigger connection that you and I share, you and your dad, you and your mom, you and your grandparent, or the guardian, whoever it is. We have a connection that goes way beyond this moment right now.
And lastly, this moment of connection, it's impossible to give an affirmation, a practical affirmation, a practical remembering of when a kid was helpful. You can't do that and be angry at the same time. In other words, it signals to the child that you're a point of consistency.
You're a point of you're centered and you're regulated because you can't give an affirmation and be dysregulated. It's almost like, that's almost impossible. I guess you could try, but I think that's kind of impossible.
So it signals to a child or a teenager that you are a point of regulation. Now that means, and that's what it's all about, right? Because that means when you give the correction and you say, but what's happening right now, gosh, that is just not helpful. I know you can be like so often, but right now something's up.
Something's going on, something's bugging you. And for little ones, they won't be able to articulate what that is, very little ones, but older ones might tell you about it. And so you say, well, you know what, we have to move past this now.
It's one of my favorite sayings. We've just got to get on. We've just got to move past this.
And you know what? We do need to clean up the room. Look, hey, hang on. How about you just clean up the stuff on your bed? I'll do the stuff on your desk or I'll fold the clothes.
Just sit with me, you know, and you can put them in the basket. Sometimes I find this third step, we've connected, we've corrected, we've put a boundary in place. It isn't all just soft and gentle.
It's like, hey, you just can't do that, you know? And then the directing point, this might seem subtle, but if a child's refusing to clean up their room, there's two things you can do. This is just by way of example. Number one is break it down into it being a much smaller thing.
Like, why don't you just clean up the stuff on your bed? You do that, I'll do your desk, rather than just saying, get this room cleaned up. The second thing, strategy, is often just shifting the energy, just changing the game and just doing a little bit of a we direction with a W, we direction. And that's saying, hey, look, let's come back to this later.
Let's just come back to this. Why don't we just go out and I've got to fold some clothes. Just sit with me while I fold the clothes and you can, you know, and you just go do it and you just hand the child the clothes that are folded and they put them in the basket.
And you just change it. But the key thing is you're doing something together. Does it really matter that you haven't tidied the room yet? Not really.
No, I don't think so. What matters is the child is now, the teenager is now doing something that's a little bit cooperative, just a little bit. And you're handing them some socks and they're putting them in a basket.
It's kind of no big deal, but it starts the flow. And if you do that for a few minutes, it's much more possible to then, you know, pick on up and say, okay, come on. Let's go and clean up your desk now and go back to the problem spot.
Or let's go back and just see if we can make good with your brother because they were some pretty harsh words that you used. But then the direction that you're giving, you know, the instruction you're giving comes on top of number one. You've connected and you've been a point of regulation for a kid.
The second one is that you have put a boundary in place. You really have, where you've corrected the behavior. And you might even say things like, you know, that really came out wrong.
Something must be up because, you know, you don't normally speak like that. But you know what? You can tell me about it later because clearly you're angry at the moment. And trying to talk to kids a lot when they're angry is, you know, not a great idea.
We all know that. And then finally, when you direct, okay, so we're going to do this. The this that you're going to do doesn't always have to be the problem spot.
The this can be something else entirely. So that's it. Connect, correct, and then, and then direct.
Okay, again, as always, I hope that's going to help a little bit. But if nothing else, remember that before you correct and direct, try to make a connection. Okay, bye-bye for now.
