Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Ken John Payne. This week I've been thinking about the whole theme of moving too fast and the problems that that creates in our day-to-day lives as parents. One mum said to me years ago when I was visiting in China, she said to me in a break time, she said, you know, the problem is being rushy-rushy.
When rushy-rushy come in, trouble comes in with it. And gosh, it made me and the people who were standing, you know, just chatting in the break time really laugh because gosh, we all knew exactly what she meant. Rushy-rushy.
When rushy-rushy come in, the trouble comes in with it. When we rush with our children and we're hurried and harried, it's so often that they pick up on that energy. If they're little ones, like really like infants, they'll just start fussing and crying.
If they're a little bit older, they'll have a sense, you know, kids around sort of 8, 9, 10 and beyond, they have this unerring sense that when we're rushing and we're, you know, throwing off suggestions here and there and that they actually, they don't really need to do it. We're not inhabiting what it is that we're talking about. One dad said to me recently that the saying that he knows is the faster I go, the behinder I get.
Oh, that's a great saying. The faster I go, the behinder I get. It's very similar to that feeling of being rushed.
Children have a sense that we're not present. Now, one might sort of, you know, very understandably say, well, you know, in the mornings or whatever, I've got to rush. I've got to get things done.
And I would agree with the last part of that sentence, but not the first. I've got to get things done. Absolutely.
But rushing to do it means that our kids have a sense that there's a lot of turbulence and we're creating this turbulence around us that not only does it make it hard for them to hear what it is we're saying, but it can actually have the exact opposite effect that we wish because it's turbulence, it's movement, it's not in any way peaceful. And the kids start arguing with each other or they start getting goofy if they're smaller, you know, three, four, five years old. They'll start rolling around the floor.
You know, we're rushing and we finally get them dressed and then we rush to this and rush to that and then we turn around and our, you know, three-year-old son or daughter is standing there semi-naked. They have actually taken the clothes off, but we were too, like, they were just caught up in the rushy-rushy of the morning. Now, what to do? Well, the first thing really is to become aware when we start rushing because the more we rush, the more time it takes.
We think this is getting things done quicker, but as so many of us know, it's actually not the case at all because disputes arise, kids don't do what they've been told to do. It actually takes longer. I think most of us would probably agree that happens quite a bit.
And even if we do get the kids out the door or whatever we're trying to do in that rushy-rushy way, there's bad feeling. It's antsy. One mum said whenever I sort of get into that what she called forcing current, isn't that interesting, a forcing current, and I get my kid into the car and I just force and I push and I force, she just sits in the back in her car seat, this is a little one, and she just kicks the chair.
She just kicks my seat and kicks and kicks and kicks. And she said sometimes it drives me to the point where I think I'm going to explode. As opposed to when the morning is calmer, stuff like that is less likely to happen.
What I'm suggesting is that we really avoid on-the-fly requests. What I mean by that is you're doing a ton of different things and you say, you know, like, Jacob, Jacob, how about you get your lunch in your lunchbox now? Okay, Sophie, Sophie, yes, shoes and coat on now. Shoes, why don't you put your shoes and coat on? Oh, come on, Miguel, Miguel, no, no, no, no, no.
And so you're moving, you're talking, you're moving, you're talking. What I'm suggesting is that we do not move and talk at the same time. That we do a two-by-two direction.
We stop for five seconds, get two feet away from our child or our teenager and give a direction. Two feet away, two feet on the ground. Hence the name two-by-two.
It takes five seconds, but we're still. We stand perfectly still. We give the direction.
It's not a request. How about you put your lunchbox on? Do you think it's time to put the shoes on? Honestly, when we do this, our kids think that it's optional. Or at least they want to believe it's optional.
And it confuses them when we get mad later that they haven't done it. Because like, how about we all get into the car? You know, I've talked about this before in other podcasts. It's like, yeah, no, no, thank you.
And even if they're teenagers and they know that we're not really asking, we're just trying to be polite, if we're doing that and we're moving, we're moving, we're on the fly, we're moving, they get this sense that we're not inhabiting what it is we're saying. So one of my key suggestions to avoid rushy-rushy is to give a two-by-two direction and avoid moving when we're making requests or even directions, but stand still, get your feet on the ground, feel your feet below you, and take the five seconds needed. I've often heard that parenting is, you know, multitasking.
We become multitasking experts. You know, while that might be true somewhat, I really think a more accurate description is that parenting is single-tasking multiple times. So the single task is to have Jacob come over.
You might even hold his hand, two little hands. You're two feet away. Your two feet are on the ground.
Jacob, now it's time for you to put your things in the lunchbox. They're all on the counter. I would like you to do that right now, please.
And there's a moment, right? There's a moment where he's doing a cost-benefit analysis. He is listening to your tone, listening to how much presence you have, and then off he goes to do it. Or he's more likely to do it.
And you stand there for those few seconds while he's getting started, and then you move to the next direction. It's not multitasking. It's single-tasking multiple times.
Being right in the moment and avoiding the rushy-rushy. I sure hope that's helpful. As always, a quick reminder.
If you ever want to talk to me personally about situations in your home, go right onto our website, Simplicity Parenting, and there you'll find the link to our office and our team to organize a meeting time where you and I can just chat. Okay, bye-bye for now.
