Welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries. This is me, Kim John Payne, the author of Simplicity Parenting. This week, I've been thinking about, as I often do, of how to help children move through a transition and particularly respond to a direction that they're given, particularly when it's something that you kind of think they're not going to like to do.
You're likely going to get some pushback. It's that kind of situation I want to talk about today. And, boy, a ton of them come up through the day with little ones, with tweenages, teenagers.
It's like, you know, you know you're going to instruct a child to do something, you know they're not going to like it, and you're thinking, okay, I'm going in. So how can we do that with a little more confidence and kind of come alongside a child and have it be less confronting, but it also gives a very clear forward movement and direction, or, you know, as much as we reasonably can. And that's this gentle art of first we do this, and then we'll do that, right? So first we do this, and after we finish doing this, then we'll do that.
It's kind of like having a child eat their main course and then have dessert afterwards. It's because kids very understandably want to have dessert and just, you know, that's it. But sometimes there's, you know, home care things that we have to do or transitional things that we're going to have to do.
We're going to have to move from one activity to another, and the one that's coming up is not so great. You know, they're playing with a puzzle or doing whatever, building something or just hanging out if they're older, listening to some music, whatever it is, and we're going to transition to supper or getting in the car or, you know, whatever it is, a tidy up. You know, we're going to tidy the space up.
And you know it's going to be a bit of a chore. So the first step, as is so often the first step in any kind of little micro transition, is to connect before one directs. And so the step one is actually just to go sit beside a child, 10, 15 seconds, just go sit beside them.
Don't try to really not shout, you know, an instruction from the kitchen way over to the other side of the living room, you know, just, yeah, go sit beside them, move in relatively close. I don't mean weirdly close if they're older kids, but, and with little ones, we can be right, you know, beside them. We can sort of snuggle up beside them as they're doing something, but whatever feels appropriate, move your space first, connect with a child.
And you don't necessarily have to talk all that much, just sort of sit beside them, look at what they're doing. And most kids, when you sit beside them or sit nearby, teenagers and tweenagers will sense your presence and might not say much. They might just glance up.
But that glance means, hey, I know you're there. We've done this tiny little connection. Little ones will lean into you quite often and tell you all about what they're doing.
You might, if you want to, just ask a very simple little question of, hey, what are you doing? Now, a teenager might say, not much, just, I don't know. A little one will say, well, I'm building a fort, and this is, you know, you'll get a whole story. But in that moment that you've connected, right, so then to say, okay, well, now we have to do a tidy up before supper, you know, using this as an example.
So first we'll tidy up and have supper, but then we'll come right back to finishing that puzzle you were doing, or then we can, I think we could have a little bit of your chapter book before we go up to bed. By the way, this is a little hint. It's so great to get kids up to bed, you know, by reading a little bit of the story first, and then finish it off in bed.
Anyway, we'll come back to that as another theme someday. But first this, then that. And it's not so much, I don't think of this just as a reward.
We do this, then you get that reward. You kind of could see it like that, I guess. But the way I see it is that it's not even vaguely behavior modification.
You know, you do this, then you get that. It's not transactional. It's relational.
You know, you're doing it right beside a child. You're taking it right out of the if you do this, then you can do that. You're taking it out of that realm by making it relational in the sense that you're with a child.
It's a we gesture. We are going to spend a little moment together because right from the get-go, you've changed the trajectory of making this more transactional and behavior mod-ish. By right from the get-go, you sat beside a child and hung out with them for a few seconds, 10, 15 seconds, 20, 30 at most, you know.
But you've made it we. You've made it relational right from the start. And that gets the trajectory off in a whole different direction.
And then, well, we're going to have to do a little pack-up now and then we've got supper. But after supper, we can have a little story. That would be so nice.
Or I think we might have some outside time. Oh, okay. Yeah, we can do that.
Sure. Whatever it is, you know, but it's done with a we are doing this together. We're making this transition.
I know you don't want to, but we've connected. And after we do this, then there's something really nice that we're going to do together on the other side. It's, you know, this is not a magic, but it's very interesting watching parents and teachers, actually, who use this kind of connecting and forward-moving connecting, how effective that can be.
I've watched, this was a teacher actually, I watched a teacher do this, first this and then that. And she was working with younger children and she really painted a very simple but vivid picture of first we're doing tidy up. This was in a kindergarten.
First we're doing tidy up and we're going to put all the blankets in a nice big pile. We're going to fold them square, square, square, and then put them in a big pile in that basket. And you can be my folding partner.
You always do that so well. And then she said, and then, well, we're going to go outside and get all the red wheelbarrows out. And that's right.
You can put them all in order from the little ones to the big ones, for the littlest children to the big children. And you can do that. I know you like to do that.
So she gave a pictorial picture. It wasn't just abstract. It was a very pictorial picture.
And I noticed how the child really responded beautifully. And the reason I was in the kindergarten observing is that that was a child who was, you know, at times could really be explosive and struggle. And yet she navigated this child through the day beautifully in this way.
And there was no accident in her doing this. I spoke to her afterwards and just noted the first this and then that. And she said, yeah, it really, really helps him transition and move through the day.
And then she paused and came back actually. She'd moved off and she came back and said, but it really helps us connect and be on the same page. And I think that's particularly what helps him to know that I'm with him.
I thought, gosh, what a lucky child to have a kindergarten teacher doing that. So first this, then that. But before you even do the first this and then that, connect right from the start.
Spend just those few moments slowing yourself down, sitting for a moment. Not long. Doesn't have to go on forever.
And then this and then that. Hope that's helpful. As I always say, if you want to chat with me about your family's dynamics, don't hesitate to go on over to Simplicity Parenting.
And yeah, just there's a little link there. And it's request a private consult or whatever it says with Kim. That's my favorite thing to do.
So don't hesitate. Okay. That's it for now.
Bye bye.
