Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. This week I've been speaking with actually a number of parents about choices for children and it's a question and a dynamic that comes up a lot because we're living in a time where it seems very popular to give young children lots and lots and lots of choices and I get it. I get that we, when I ask parents, you know, why is it that you're giving your child so many choices? I hear, you know, like we want to be respectful, we want to honour a child's individuality, we want to raise independent children and I think that's a really great aim, you know, I couldn't support it more.
I'm trying to, in my thinking and practice, sort of line up our wish to raise independent children, to raise children who are good problem solvers and good choosers, who make good choices with just the straightforward brain science and, you know, one of the things that is outstanding to me is watching the development of the prefrontal cortex and the frontal lobes in general, which is that very special part of a human being's brain, which can actually hold the whole, can develop a big picture. I mean, it does many things, but one of them is to develop a big picture of, okay, here's all the component parts and if I make a choice, here is how that choice fits into the whole. So it's not just all about this is what I want to do and this is what I want to do absolutely now and my, you know, my world revolves around doing this thing, you know.
Many of us, even as adults, can feel that, but hopefully on a good day, the frontal lobes come to our rescue and say, well, you know what, there are other needs going on. If I do that, then that wouldn't fit so well with what other people are doing and the timing of that would probably be off and so on. You know, we run a bunch of calculations when we're choosing something, you know, if I choose that, you know, if I buy that, that's going to have a really big impact on the family budget.
Maybe I need to dial that back. I mean, there are so many calculations we make now because the frontal lobes of a young child is barely functioning. I mean, it's, it is, of course, but in the most rudimentary sense, it really is not even close to being as developed as, you know, a four-year-old, as it will be for a nine-year-old, but even at nine, it's very dim.
When you look at their brain imaging at 12, even 14, 15, you know, teenagers make decisions that are extremely impulsive. We all did it, right? And that's still because the frontal lobes are relatively immature. It's not until the early twenties that you see a maturation and, you know, approaching full development of that part of our ability to make choices, knowing the whole, holding the whole, knowing the impact, understanding cause and effect, and so on.
So when we give our children choices, it needs to be commensurate. I mean, it just needs to flow in to what the reality is, because if we say to a child, you know, do you want the, you know, what would you like for breakfast? I mean, just kiss the morning goodbye, right? You get off to a pretty bumpy start sometimes because their choices, you know, they might be okay, but chances are it's going to be things you're going to need to correct. And then off you go, you know, the trajectory of the morning is set.
And it's really understandable that a child would make a choice without really any understanding of the consequences and its effect on the family as a whole, the effect on their health, and so on and so on. And yet I hear children being given choices way, way ahead of their ability to be able to see the impact of that choice, both on themselves and on others. And yet as a society, we persist in doing this because very simplistically, we think, well, you know, if I give my child choices, it's going to train them up to make good choices.
And actually, the opposite is happening. It's just that's, you know, if we can take things in smaller steps and build out choices, so the kinds of choices that we give them when they're little, are really taking into account that their developmental stage, then I think we're in really good shape and almost like like ripples on a pond, you know, we ripple out and out and out in those beautiful concentric or expanding rings. And the choices we give expand as a child's ability to make those choices and feel good about them also expand.
And for me, that's a key thing, is that when a child makes a choice, that they feel good about what they've chosen, that they don't need a correcting, they don't need is that they somehow have the ability because we give them the right kind of choice, and they feel good, like all is well in the world. It's a little bit like at times when we I've heard, you know, parents say and one particular mom, I remember at the front of my school saying, Now, would you like to go to daddy's work? Would you like to come shopping with me? Would you? Would you like to go to Sophie's place to play? Would you like to ride on the space shuttle? I don't know a lot of choices. And the child tensed up.
She was six and a half years old, and she tensed up. And she shouted at her mama. And she said, Don't ask me.
Oh, you know, and I thought, Oh, that's so hard, you know. And the mother said, Now, let's just consider the choices. Let's go to your feelings.
And the little child, you know, hold back and kicked her mother so hard. And I thought, You go, go. What a completely sensible response, because the child was, you know, and I felt sorry for everyone, of course, but the child was short circuiting, you know, the mother was offering all these choices.
And, you know, the mom, you know, there she is standing next to the school counselor, I wouldn't have liked to have been her but and she looked at me and said, Well, the way we approach it, I don't know what went wrong. Because, because, you know, we, we have her make choices. And then we review, was that the best choice, a good choice, or a poor choice, and we let her make choices.
And then we review. Now, I get it, I get it that, you know, that perhaps in the corporate world, that's a good idea. But for children, you know, it's, it's almost like sort of a Democlesian sword hanging over their head, and they're not really sure, you know, and so they're let to make these, this poor little girl was let to make a choice that pretty much she was always wondering, is my mother going to be disappointed in me? That's one problem.
The other problem with too many choices, and the wrong kinds of choices for children is that it fundamentally makes them feel unsafe, because they're not sure who's in charge, you know, little children, it's very primitive, they've got little arms, they can't throw a spear as hard, you know, in the primitive world, and bring down their prey, they've got little legs, so they can't run away from a predator, like, like we can as big people, they can't build shelters that keep them warm. I mean, all these things are still very much existent in, in a child's more, you know, more ancient self, in that primitive brain in the amygdala. And, you know, when we, when we give a child a lot of choices, and they don't know who's in charge, that is fundamentally stressful for a child is very stressful, because it creates a sort of a feeling of, hang on, I'm not, I can't do all this stuff.
And yet I'm being asked to make all these choices. That that is just doesn't make me feel good. And it leads to a lot of security issues.
And if it continues on for too long, I've seen it lead to sort of a build up where a child just simply becomes anxious. And there's a quite apart from all the discipline issues that result from a more, you know, a child feeling, in a sense that they're the equals in terms of emotional maturity and development to an adult. And so for myriad reasons, carefully, getting on top of what kind of choices do we give to children that matches their developmental stage is is something that becomes more and more important.
If if we're going to raise our children, feeling Yeah, feeling secure feeling like we got it feeling like they're not suppressed, you know, of course, feeling like they're, they're being seen, you know, and, and heard. So I wanted to give two possible solutions that that that might work for you and your family. The first one is something I've spoken about in other podcasts and in writing and such is you may choices.
Now you may choices for me, is this another way of putting a more practically limited choices. Most of us know about limited choices that I need to dwell on this a whole bunch but but it's a it's a you may you may choose between the cereal and the toast and toast in the morning that that's fine. You may choose between those two.
And in a sense, what you're saying to a child is Yeah, you get a little choice, you do. And your mommy or your daddy or your guardian, you know, is saying, and that's fine, too. We're okay with that.
When we're, we're not going to ask you to review your choice and find you wanting and find you somehow, you know, not doing the right thing. We're not going to do that to you. This is not, this is not a trick, you know, we're genuinely giving you this choice.
And it also helps establish our own authoritativeness as well, in the sense that while we're still giving a choice, it's out of a sense of sovereignty, you know, that I am the sovereign as the daddy, I'm the sovereign of the family realm. I'm in charge. I'm keeping you safe.
And it's really good by me that you get to choose between these two things. Now, most of us know that. And I think more and more people are trying really hard to get a move on over to those, those limited choices.
But what happens if a child pushes back against that and says, No, I don't want that. I want the cookies. Right, so you're just offered limited choice.
And, and, you know, hooray, we've done it, we've we've not given a big open ended, what would you like for breakfast, kind of disaster. But now there's a pushback. No, I want the cookie.
No. You know, and you get that response. Well, I think that this the second step in this little two step choice piece that I'm talking about today, is to is to say to a child, oh, I know you wish that was one of your choices.
And you know what, it will be when you're a mummy or a daddy or much bigger, that will be one of your choices. But now that you're little, you that's, that's mummy's choice. That's daddy's choice.
That's grandma's choice. Whoever is the adult, you know, present. And it's a you know, I know, I know, and you're, you're, you're kind of going with a child like I know, you wish that was one of your choices.
And it will be one day, it will. But it's not now. That's mummy's choice.
And that's the end of it. And child may push back, No, no, I want it to be my choice. And this will come up a lot if a child's had a lot of open ended choices, you know, initially, eventually, it just gets a whole bunch easier.
But and then it's just a repetition. I know, I know, you wish it was it was your choice. It is my choice.
It's mummy's choice. And it will be when you're big. And and kind of be a broken record and not get drawn into a kind of an argument about choices.
Because it's, you know, to be arguing with a five year old is a, I don't know, it's not a very attractive look. It just isn't a great look at all. And it just doesn't feel right.
So the first step is a is a you may, you may choose between this and this. And it's as good, it's okay. And that helps secure a child.
And it helps them know that while they get a choice, their guardian or mum and dad or grandparent is still in charge will keep them cozy, safe and warm. And then the second step is is an I know, I know you wish this was your choice. And it is going with a child.
It's not going against them. It's being perfectly respectful. But it's being perfectly clear that that's actually not the case.
And that's not that's not going to happen. And again, you're you're giving a child the message that you you see them there, they've got a voice. And that will be a choice one day.
And that, finally, just I want to add that choice of yours one day. It's what I write about in the simplicity parenting book, I think it's that book where I talk about the gift of anticipation. I think it's wonderful to have children be able to look forward to when they're older, that what they'll be able to do.
I see that as nothing but positive, that a child gets to look forward to that they'll be having more choices in what we're talking about today, that they'll have more choices when they get older, that's and they can look forward to that. It's I think it's a gift we give our kids, it helps them with impulse control. And it helps them get a pitch.
And I want to come full circle just as we close today, back to this picture of the frontal lobes. Because when we say to a child, you know, when you're when you're a bigger, when you're bigger, you will have that kind of choice. Maybe when you're a grown up, you know, if that's appropriate, you know, you'll have that choice.
And what it's saying to a child is that as a as a as a mummy, as a daddy, guardian, grandparent, we are holding the big picture, you know, our frontal lobes are fully developed, you know, and particularly when we choose to use them. But we can hold the big picture. In fact, you know what, we're holding and you're not saying is out loud, but we're holding the whole picture of your life.
We gotcha. We gotcha. You're safe.
You're good. We gotcha. We're looking forward to the whole of your life.
And we know when that kind of choice will be just right for you. Even though a child might, you know, still just simply want the toast or want the cookie or whatever it is that they, they want, that is ultimately very, very securing for a child. Okay, let's close there.
And don't forget, if you would like to speak to me personally, that's, as I often say, one of my favorite things to do. And just go on to the Simplicity Parenting website, and you'll see it right there. Request a consult with Kim and be delighted to talk to you.
Okay, hope that was helpful. Bye bye for now.
