Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. So glad you could join us again this week. Well done for finding a few moments to listen to this podcast.
Yeah, this week, I think I'm correct in saying that the free giveaway of, I guess any giveaway should be free, of the new Soul of Discipline book, the paperback release is still going on. Check out the website, Simplicity Parenting, and I'm correct that it's still going on this week. And apologies if I'm wrong, I should know.
But I tend to pre-record these things a little ahead, you know, a week or two. So anyway, the Soul of Discipline book in its paperback and more affordable edition is now available. So this week, I've had a couple of conversations.
I'm always talking with parents every week in my private, you know, family coaching practice. And we've been talking about apologies, apologizing or not apologizing. And it was an interesting conversation with one mom and dad in particular.
Because when we lose it, as we all do with our kids from time to time, or we give even, you know, like a mean look, a steely look, or we, we just get so frustrated, and we walk away, or maybe we even shout or, and we're just not proud of what we did. You know, it's just, it's just feels bad. And even, even as we're doing it, you know, you sometimes can like, I don't know, I don't know, we can kind of hear ourselves being a person we don't want to be, even as we're being it, you know, this consciousness as a parent is a drag.
It's, and yet, there it is, we've done it, cats out the bag. We've been definitely not at our best. So what do we do? You know, once we've calmed down a bit, do we, do we apologize to our child? And, you know, an apology to a child, there's nothing wrong with that.
But, you know, standing inside the shoes of a child, even an older one, you know, a teenager, even a teenager, as well as a little one, you know, standing inside those shoes, I don't know, do they really want to hear an apology as such? Or do they want to have things put right? And I, I think the latter is more important to kids. And what I'm suggesting is that if we do lose it, or when we lose it, perhaps take a break, you know, take that famous break of counting to 10, or 20, or 30, or 60, you know, whatever it takes. But once you're, you know, beginning to get back in yourself, take, you know, those deep breaths, you think, okay, oh, my goodness, that was not great.
And you approach your child again, what about saying something to them? Like, you know, that came out wrong. It really did. Honestly, sweetheart, that came out wrong.
And you might say, I'm sorry about that. It's that's, of course, just, you know, fine. But really, that came out wrong.
And then to add, what I meant to say was, it's really hard when you when you leave your shoes in right in the doorway, and, and also your backpack next to it. And we come in at night. And, you know, I trip over it again.
It's really major mad, right. And, and so, and that's what I meant to say, you know, because what you did say was not exactly that. But I think that is what a child really wants to hear.
And it's, and it's happening on a couple of different levels. You know, when we get mad, one of the things that if we can possibly coach ourselves up to do this, and I know this is a big ask, right? But is to say, just give me a minute, right? Just give me a minute. I'm feeling really, really frustrated.
And that's, you know, that's amazing. If we can do that, because then our child sees us kind of struggling to get a hold of our emotions. That's, that's fantastic.
If we can do that, just give me a moment. Now, kids usually will give you a moment. In fact, they'll give you several because it's a whole lot better than what was about to happen.
But even if we do lose it, and we just just shout in frustration that I just tripped over your backpack, it's in the door again, and the groceries have spilled all over the floor and the dog is licking up the milk and the baby is crawling towards the broken glass, you know what I mean? It's one of those situations. Okay, so if we can come back in and, and just say, all right, that came out wrong. That so came out wrong.
What I meant to say was, and I've said it a few times now, and I really mean it, that we just can't leave our backpacks and shoes in doorways. There's a hook and, you know, it's really nearby. We put that hook there.
Do you see it's, it's, it's about two feet away. That's where your backpack goes. All right.
That's what I meant to say. Now, I think this has a couple of advantages. One is that it says what you, what, what needs being said.
You got frustrated. And often when we get frustrated and shout, then, then we're ashamed of ourselves or whatever, and then the correction doesn't land. The correction doesn't get made.
And then tomorrow when you walk in the door, the backpack's there again. And then the frustration builds and builds. If we can come out and say, what I meant to say was, and let's do that now.
If the backpack is still on the floor, let's pick it up now. Here, you pick up the backpack. I pick up the shoes.
Let's just put them away. Okay. A child not, not only gets the direction they need and you get the thing done that you need to have done.
Moreover, what happens is that a child sees that people can lose it. My mom or my dad, my guardian, you know, can lose it. And then they can get themselves back together again.
And say what needs to be said. It's really modeling, not just emotional self-regulation. That's, yes, it is doing that.
But it's also modeling saying what needs to be said. It's raising a strong child. Because if that child learns, has that model to them over and over and over.
That you can say what needs to be said, even if you get it wrong one time. You can, you can regroup and get it right pretty quickly. You know, like I'm suggesting that we put this right within a couple of minutes.
You know, once it, once our own adrenaline is drained down and the frustration is over and we've finished, you know, self flailing ourselves with our parental flail. I am so unworthy. I am so unworthy.
I'm damaging my child for life. But they see that we can put it right. And when they, for example, go off to school and something happens and they get frustrated and they shout at a kid and they storm off from the game.
If they've seen us over and over and over lose it, blow it, and then come back. Then there's a pretty high likelihood that they're going to come back, say what they need to say and get back in the game and not be sidelined and not find their place in the group with their friends. I've heard kids do this with their, with their siblings as well.
They lose it. They have an argument and then they come back and say, well, what I meant to say was you shouldn't go in my room without asking me and take my stuff. That's what I meant to say, as opposed to calling a brother a fat pig or something.
You're right. It's kids. If we can recover like this, recover and make the repair really practically, we're teaching them to recover and make the repair.
It's a really basic message, right? It's not particularly complicated. If we can just practice this over and over and over, and we'll get practice at it, right? Frustration's come up a lot, but that came out wrong, statement number one, words to the effect of, and what I meant to say was statement number two. Now, you might need to change those words around to sound authentic to you, but those two simple sentences, that came out wrong.
What I meant to say was, and for bonus points, backing it right up, if we can say something like, just give me a minute. Once we feel the frustrations rising, the red mists rising, then that's, you know, then we've got, then we're home and free. You know, that's going to work really, really well.
I really hope that will prove helpful for you if that strikes a chord. And of course, as always, don't forget if you want to go right onto Simplicity Parenting website, there's that free drawer of Soul of Discipline book, and hope it's still live. If it isn't, I'm sorry for saying so.
And yeah, if you want to speak to me personally, go right to the request a consult with Kim. It's right there. I would love to hear from you.
Okay, that's it for this week. Bye bye for now.
