Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne, the author of Simplicity Parenting. You know, the holiday season is moving on, planning is happening this year, maybe a little bit different, maybe not so many people coming over, but if they are, and even if you're getting out to the park and there's social distancing and such happening, still there's a dynamic there that often little kids need some help in being able to not get too excited, get over the top, get kind of unmanageable really, get goofy, and it just doesn't feel good. It feels like it's just getting a little bit out of control, and then when you try to quieten things down for bedtime that night, it's like, oh boy, you know, it feels like we're going in.
Now, how can that be avoided? How can a child still have loads of fun with cousins or people who come over and yet still be okay with it and still stay centered and in themselves really? Here's a very simple suggestion that when people come over, the first step is to prepare a child ahead of time, if at all possible. You know, mostly we know when folk are dropping by, particularly these days, and even if we are outside, if the weather's warmer in the southern hemisphere, in the northern hemisphere we may be indoors, but fewer people are a little more distanced this year, but nevertheless, you know, kids coming over, relatives coming over, prepare a child ahead of time, give them a little bit of a preview, let them know who's coming over and a little bit about just things that are meaningful for them, like what we might play, what rooms we may play in and what rooms we may not play in, maybe even sort a toy basket out because there can be toy disputes for some children, like which toys would we like to share with our cousins and with our friends, so that we ahead of time avoid that difficulty if it's likely to arise. Some kids it's not, other kids it's a pretty big issue actually.
So you're giving them a little preview, what you might be having for lunch or dinner, something to look forward to, and you'll also be letting them know that there'll be times when they'll come right on back to mummy or daddy and we'll just have a little bit of cozy time together, some calm down and cozy time. Don't forget that's what we do in our family when friends come over, we have some cozy time together. Now, what do I mean by that? What this is, is a little strategy that is basically, well pretty much actually, based on attachment theory and on what a gentleman called John Bowlby first really encapsulated, crystallized and described.
And that's that children tend to almost like, it's almost like a wave-like, if I can put it that way, a wave-like pattern whereby when they play, it's the healthiest kind of play is when they will stay close to you, when some friends come over and they'll go out away from you a little bit and they might look at the play that's going on or look at other children, but they're still, they might be holding your hand if they're particularly little ones. If they're older ones, you know four, five, six, seven, maybe they'll be a little bolder and take a few more steps away. If they know their cousins or friends very well, they might just charge right on out, you know, that's also a possibility of course.
But that they come on back and check in, they come on back to almost like as parents were like base camp. And when they come on back, they then can just spend a little bit of time just catching their breath. Or if they're reticent on the other hand, they can come on, take a few steps away, come on back and secure themselves.
And then just be with you for a little while. And then give them a chance. And if they're reticent, they might take four or five steps away and then back on, back in they come.
And eventually it waves out, waves in, and until until there, they start, if they're very little, they might start parallel playing. Or if they're older, they might go right into engagement with other kids. But regardless of whether they get right into play, or whether they're reticent, there needs to be a wave.
And what I mean by this is it's good to prep kids and to let them know, as I mentioned earlier, is that we'll be coming back for cozy time. And then, or if they're older, you might call it check-in time. But let them know that's what is going to happen.
It's not optional. It's not up for debate. That's the way we do things in our family.
Now, if other parents don't do that with their kids, no judgment, you know, really, they can cope with the bedtime chaos if they wish. I don't know if I'm supposed to say that or not. But anyway, but for parents who are practicing a simplicity parenting approach, it's got to do with bringing the kids back in and just spending a moment with them.
You might look at a book. You might have a little project. If they're very little, you might have some modeling, some silly putty, or better still, some modeling beeswax, not the candle making beeswax, but the modeling beeswax.
I'm a big fan of that. It might be you're doing a little finger knitting project together. If you don't know how to finger knit, just look it up on the ever-loving YouTube and you soon will.
It's this lovely repetitive movement of rope making with ordinary old wool. Every child loves to make rope. But whatever it is, you bring the child back in, settle them down, have just quiet in their respiration, their heart rate, bring them close to you, just give them a little cozy moment.
And then back out you go, say, okay, you're ready to go. And then back out they go again. If they're older, you know, of course, you will voice it differently.
But it doesn't matter that you come back and you check and usually we get a hunch of when the right time to check in is. You just sense it almost like the rising of a loaf of bread. It's just about risen and back in we come.
Good, you're cooked. Come on back in for some time. And it's this movement from the periphery to the point, but from the out in that periphery of play back into that point.
Back out you go into the neighborhood and back you come to home. Even if it's within the same room, you know, metaphorically, it's back out with other kids and you come. And in the space of an hour or hour and a half, maybe stretching it to two hours, a child has returned back at least three or four times just to have that calm down time, pull it all back in together again, connect with you, share stories of what they're playing, and then back out they go.
And it's not that you want to interrupt their play, actually, because when we do this, the play is actually enriched because the child's not getting out of themselves and goofy and reading around. And even if the other kids are, that's all the more reason to have your child come back in, get settled, do a little bit, frankly, of a brain reset, just let the adrenaline cortisol drain down. And when they go back out into the game, I've seen this happen repeatedly.
The other kids don't know what to do. They're just kind of overexcited. And a child who's reset, and it's calmed down a little bit will say, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, or Hey, everyone, why don't we, I think we could, and they come up with a really great idea that actually enriches the play, rather than just lets it get formless, and sort of destructive.
And then kids start bumping into each other, then the tears start, and, and then the play rapidly kind of goes downhill. So this kind of wave-like way of going out, and coming back, and going out a little further, and coming back, and just resetting our kid, just having them settle on down, it's enriching for everyone. And crucially, it just makes it way easier to leave, you don't get that, that resistance to leaving, because you've checked in, you've the wave has come back to you and gone out and come back.
So your kids not so out of it that they'll, they'll refuse to leave. And you're also have that lovely connection to add to the whole lovely play time that they've had. Hope that was helpful.
And don't forget, if you would like to ever speak with me personally, don't hesitate to go right onto simplicity, parenting.com website, and there you'll see request a consult. And that's the thing I love to do most is speak individually to parents. Okay, bye bye for now.
