Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Ken John Payne, the author of Simplicity Parenting. This week I've been wondering about the power of wondering. And this comes from speaking with a number of parents about what to do when children are very angry.
Now those of you who have dipped into my Soul of Discipline book will know that there's this overriding principle of the whole book that there is no such thing as a disobedient child, only a disoriented one. And that's where this power of wondering has its roots. Let me just put some stepping stones in place.
The first one is that when children are angry, they will very often be, as I've mentioned, disoriented. They will, and they will attempt to sort of ping us, to echolocate, they'll send out their behavior, challenging, very often challenging behavior, in order to get their bearings. Just like a mariner at sea sends out pings, and it hits an object, a sonic sound, and bounces back, and they'll do it two or three times to triangulate, and then they'll get their navigational bearings.
Well, children are doing the same, but not with navigation per se, but with a more emotional navigation. And they ping us, they echolocate, as I mentioned, and that moment when they're sending out that challenging behavior, because behavior is just a signpost to deeper needs, behavior is communication, nothing more, nothing less. But the trick of this is to figure out, what is a child trying to communicate? Now we can't figure that out, we have very little chance of figuring out what a child is trying to communicate, if we take it personally, if we ourselves get angry.
And my suggestion is a simple one. First of all, to know that a child is disoriented. It's a small trajectory shift in the relationship that will get you off to a whole better direction in your exchange with a child in that moment.
And to understand that they're disoriented, yeah, that's step one, but step number two is to inwardly wonder. Here's where the power of wondering comes into it, is to wonder, why is it that you're so upset at the moment? Why is it you're so disoriented? Why is it? And I don't mean saying that out loud, because that would be weird or inflammatory, but just inwardly wonder. Because when we wonder, we come into a different part of our being.
We come into a different part of our brain. We move out of fight or flight into a more collaborative, cooperative. The moment we wonder, we're coming into a space that the children will notice the emotional space and temperature shift between us.
They'll notice our eyes soften. If you just wonder right now, actually, if you want to do it, just wonder about something. Do you see? Just wonder about anything.
Wonder why the leaves on the trees out the window are the shape they are. Wonder why the cushions on the sofa are rumbled up like they are. Wonder why the dishes in the sink aren't done.
Any wondering, do you see? Our eyes soften and it goes into a different kind of gaze. Little wrinkles are present around our eyes. Our mouth shifts shape and our gestalt, our physical gesture shifts and changes.
Our shoulders round almost imperceptibly. Our head sometimes moves just a fraction, really just a millimeter or two to one side. That's a whole different body language that we're sending a child in our wondering.
When we don't wonder and we take it personally, our eyes fix their gaze on the child. Our mouth tightens. Our eyes stare just that little bit more.
Our brow often pushes down in a brace for impact, slightly microaggressive way. Our shoulders may rise just that fraction and a child picks up the message, my parent is going to fight me. They're going to fight me back.
The power of wondering, and it's a very healing power, is that when our children are angry, they're also at their most vulnerable and they're scanning us. Do you remember this? When your children are naughty and they say something very challenging or do something very challenging, have you noticed how they often just look right at you, little rotters? They look, they just stare at you, they do something really naughty and they look right at you. What are you going to do about that? In that moment, we can take that as a challenge or we can take that as a pinging, as an echolocating, to understand that look that they're giving us is so important.
I can't overestimate how important it is because in that moment, if we go into a wondering, because they're so vulnerable, because they're scanning us, they will pick up these tiny little micro shifts in our gestalt, in our emotional gesture. They'll pick it up on a dime. You're like, at the playground, if we were to do that, maybe, maybe not.
Maybe they really wouldn't pick it up. They're not scanning us. They're off onto the monkey bars or the swings or whatever.
If they're young children, if they're older children, they're hanging out with their friends. They're not really scanning us at that point. But when a teenager or a teenager or a little one, doesn't matter the age, when they are angry, they are also scanning the environment.
It's a very primitive, primal thing to do. We all do it as human beings. In that moment, if we have an inside talk of, I wonder what's going on for you, they will then pick that up.
And then the de-escalation can begin. Because without that, the whole conversation is very likely going to escalate. And this is the power of wondering.
And the part that I really like, this is the best part. I saved the best part to last. The best part about wondering, like what's going on for you, for example, is that one doesn't need an answer.
The answer doesn't matter as much as the wondering does. If an answer comes to you of, oh, well, perhaps it's your low blood sugar, or perhaps you're grumpy because that was a very late night last night, or maybe something does come to you, and that's great, that's good, because you've created the space for it. But look, honestly, if something doesn't come to you, it doesn't really matter.
What matters is the fact that we've wondered in the first place. So I sure hope that was helpful. And don't forget, lots of always new content cycling through SimplicityParenting.com. If you would like to speak to me personally, I have my family counseling practice, and there's a link right there to click on.
If you'd like us to go just a little more in depth with the issues that are specifically for your family. Okay, I sure hope that will be of some use to you, and look out for next week's Simplicity Diary. Bye bye for now.
