#103: Play Presence vs Play Partner

August 18, 2020

📲 Request a Consultation with Kim John Payne

Episode Transcript

Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diary with me, Kim Jon-Pain. This week I was speaking to a dear mum about a question that comes up a lot and it really crystallized my thoughts around this because this question about how much should I play with my child and it is it is a conundrum that many of us share like should we play with our kids how much should we play with our kids and you know is it right to play with our kids as we do because you know working in or speaking with parents in workshops as I often do many parents will will will speak about their memories of childhood where their parents really didn't play all that much with them just a little bit and it was occasional but our play world for most of us was somewhat even perhaps quite separate to the world of our our parents they got on with adult things we got on with with kid things and we found ourselves sitting at the table to eat together and then you know that was kind of that and this is a memory that many people hold not not all younger parents might be a little bit a bit different but this is very new this question of how we should engage with in play now first up I want to say that I that I actually really enjoy the question I very much value that parents modern parents now valuing play because under it's inferred in the question right that if I'm wondering how much should I play with my child it's not it's not you know should my child play and so on it's it's it is obviously a value to play there and that's that's just wonderful however it doesn't get away from the question of should we be doing this here's what here's my take on this is that when our children want us to play what they're doing is really much more wanting our presence and there's a there's a difference between playing with a child and being present for a child when our kid really bugs us to want to play with them and says you know daddy daddy oh mama mama mama and and and sort of hauls on us and wants to show us what they're doing and and and then they say now you do it now you and and you you know you there's no question they want your full engagement in their play initially most kids who have been played with a lot by their parents will be very used to that and I'm not suggesting that that should stop on a dime what I am suggesting though is to understand that when all this first began way back when we started playing with kids or you started playing with your kid your child a lot actually what they were looking for was was presence and then we perhaps misunderstood as too strong a word but interpreted that as a okay so we'll play with them but the upshot of that is that it often means we don't have a life you know we don't we don't get on with the things we need to get on with and and more than that though well perhaps as important is that our child doesn't see us doing things that adults do and if we're not careful come to see us as a playmate and then it's a very short hop to seeing us as a peer or a sibling and therein lies the problem because if children are seeing us as as playmates siblings or peers it makes it very difficult for us to be an adult authoritative presence and put loving limits in place and it actually can undermine our ability to to set those boundaries because just if you know a short time before we were the child's playmate and not only does it bring up discipline problems I actually think it brings up confusion in a child because we're switching in and out of roles so rapidly that a little child particularly little ones they can't adjust that quickly and so it makes them kind of mad and they start to act out tantrum you know it does not do so well but what's really going on is they're kind of confused so what do we do what what can we do to help this if this strikes a chord for you at all and it may or may not I'm not suggesting I'm I'm absolutely right you know of course this is just a perspective but if this does strike a chord for you here are some things you might want to think about first of all the child is used to that used to you playing and playing a lot with them and they hold you over to their play then go with them just like you normally would but just ask them a few questions about their play you know or better still just say what you see so sit with them and say and they say but but mama mama mama now you you be the robot now and and like I'll be the and you say so and just repeat back to them and to say so oh so a robot yes yes there's a robot what does the robot do well the robot is like really mean and it and it like it like stamps on things and you know you get this big description of what the robot does and the more you can just be quite it very actually interested but ask them and just it's not even a question really is it you know you might say well what does a robot do I guess that's a question but it's more just saying robots Wow that big oh my that's so big yes and and what that does is it starts enriching the child's inner self it starts creating an imaginative picture within them now here's the key you see it creates an imaginative picture within them which is tasty it's juicy it's satisfying and that is doing inwardly for them what previously was happening to it was happening extrinsically outside themselves because in many ways you were creating it you know you were the person that was the engine of the creativity what you're doing is shifting the power of the play the engine of creativity within the child and that that is what they're looking for that's essentially very satisfying to a child that's yummy when that can happen now stay nearby don't have to go anywhere but try this and try it over two three four weeks this is not a quick fix it takes some time because obviously their habit is to play with you and you might find find yourself playing a little bit but try and back out of that when you get a couple of weeks into this and they call you over bring over something of yours if you're making a salad bring over the carrots you know what I mean like bring something that you're actually doing that you want to get on with preferably something a little bit practical that they can and you and just sit nearby or bring them over to you and sit them up at the counter and and so that they're making something right near you so you're making whatever it is you know breakfast or you're you know clearing away the kitchen that you're doing something and they're doing something and they're very aware that they're near you because to have that proximity also means a lot to a child you know we sometimes you know some houses I've seen have been architect designed with these fancy playrooms you know and and the kids where do they play right at your feet in the kitchen and you're thinking goodness there's this amazing playroom but they want to be near us but I I wonder really if they're looking more for our presence and our presence that enriches their inner creativity much much more than they're looking at us to actually be their playmates so I sure hope that's that's helpful and let's see how that goes if that strikes a chord for you okay bye bye for now

#103: Play Presence vs Play Partner

Every parent wants their child to thrive and be happy ... and to have a strong, connected relationship with them.