Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Ken John Payne. This week I've been talking to some parents about problem solving and just living with boys, with their boys in general. And particularly we're talking about when things go wrong.
What's the best strategy with boys? How does that differ from girls? And, you know, I don't want to be too absolute about this in any way, but I do lean into the brain science a little bit in this and the fact that boys often, not always, but often need more time to process social and emotional cause and effect. You know, if they've done something and it's, you know, and it's, it's been edgy or not okay, or even if they've made a request to do something and you've got to consider it. But particularly if you're problem solving and something's happened that was just not so great.
One of the ways to work with boys is what I call the circle back strategy. And the circle back strategy is to, you know, obviously say to a boy when they've done something, you know, to, to be able to let them know that that really wasn't okay. I'll talk a bit more about that in a moment.
And then to give them some time and then to circle back later to, to work it out. Just the statement comes first, give it a pause. And then when the moment is right, you know, you kind of lay in wait and sense when the moment is right, circle back and then, and then talk about it.
Okay. So now let's, let's dig into this just a little bit. One of the first things to do if something goes wrong, if a boy said something, done something like any child, boy or girl, those who identify as boys or identify as girls, I hasten to add, but it's to, it's to be able to, to say to them, you know, you normally don't speak like that to your brother, you know, is to start with an affirmation.
You know, you were, you brought all those groceries in perfectly well, you know, this morning, I, you know, I didn't even have to ask you or, you know, you cleaned up your room this morning or at least a part of it, you know, pretty well and we can finish it off later, but that was a really, that was really well done. You said you were going to do it this morning and you did, that was really helpful. That's an affirmation and I think it's really good when a child has lost the plot and they've said something, done something, which is so not okay in your family, is to, is to start with a very simple, but for boys, and this is crucial, practical affirmation.
It's not, you know, oh, I know you're a good child, you have a golden heart or, you know, that might be okay too, but for boys, I found a very practical affirmation as in the two or three examples I just gave and then, you know, if you've said something like, you just helped me bring all those groceries in this morning and pack them away, that was so helpful, but what you just said to your brother, that was really unhelpful and really harsh and we try so hard not to do that in our family. There's the disapproval. So the first is the affirmation and then comes the disapproval.
For most boys, it's better that way around rather than disapproving first and then affirming second. Affirm them first, open their emotional aperture, so to speak, with an affirmation that is very practical, very true, and then say to them, that was so, so not okay, that was harsh, or however, whatever would be best for you and sound authentic for you as a mom or a dad, and then just to leave it by saying, and you know what, we'll circle back later to find out what was bugging you. Something must have been annoying you, but for now, you just need to leave this.
We need to have truce. We totally need to just leave it alone now, have some space. What are you going to do that gives this space? Because honestly, don't walk away saying we need to give this space because they'll turn right back to their brother or sister, should that be the issue, whatever it is, and the chances are pretty good that they'll do it again.
So just stand there and say, okay, we're not going to talk about this now. Now, the moment you say that to a boy, it's like a big relief. Because for boys, the defenses go up because they're feeling a little bit overwhelmed and they're short-circuiting a little bit and they don't know what to say.
So what they will say often is denial or pushback, where they'll push back against you or fall back, where they just become stubborn. And you'll say, well, why did you do that? And they'll say, I don't know. No, you do know why you did that.
Why did you? And they'll go, I don't know. I don't know, right? And you push it and push it and you just get more of this fallback. I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know. And the brain science backs up their case.
They don't know in that moment because the traffic across the brain bridge to understand cause and effect has largely been sort of shut down. Not entirely, but for many boys, it's not optimal at that time. Get their plan about how to give that space.
And over time, you can practice this more and more and say to a boy, okay, so what's your plan to give this some space, to give this truth, just to back off? And they'll say, well, I'm just going to go outside and I'm, I don't know, I can do that. I'm just going to go and ride my bike. Because it very often is practical for a boy.
Again, they, um, if you can, if when they, when you say to them, you need some space, that's so amorphous. But if you say to them, what are you going to do, keyword do, to give yourself some space now? For most boys, doing something will be the thing. I'm just going to go and play with my Legos or I'm just going to go and ride my bike.
Or, I don't know, I'm just going to go and, and it's usually something practical. If you can get a boy to engage in practical, what happens is that it helps them process. That it's riding around, they're letting the adrenaline cortisol drain down.
And that is one of the best ways I've found to have boys just calm on down a bit. And then to circle back. And then at lunchtime or at suppertime or at bedtime, whenever you feel it's right, if you can have your boy really expect you to circle back, you're not going to, you're not going to let it go, but you do need to circle back.
Some parents have said they need to circle back fairly quickly after half an hour or so. And that's, that's good. That's a hot button one and they might go back to a sibling and start over again.
You're probably going to need to sort that out pretty quickly. Other parents have said, you know, it's good after they've eaten. And again, boys and eating.
A good friend of mine said, you know, boys only want to know three things. Who's in charge? What are the rules? Do you mean it? And where's the food? I love that last one. Boys and food, right? For many boys, kids in general, but for boys, getting some food into them first and speaking to them second is a really smart thing to do.
And circle back, but try to, and this is another practical tip, do something with a boy, you know, be out in the, in the, in the garage, fixing something, be inside doing a project if it's in the cold months, do something so that you don't have to sort of sit right opposite, you know, light a candle, hold hands and have meaningful eye contact. I mean, it's possible with boys. I don't want to say it's not, but, but if you're doing something together, then the conversation can be better.
It could just be a simple chore. You know, like if your boy helps you clear the table after dinner every night, there's a perfect moment. There it is right there.
Just as you're clearing the table, say, Hey, you know what? Just before supper, that was a, that was, you got really, really frustrated. Remember I said I would circle back? Yeah, I know. We always do.
That's right. No, I don't forget. What, what was that? What was, what was annoying you? What was up? And really listen into a boy, but if at all possible, when you're kind of like coming alongside them, this image I've used before in other podcasts where you're coming alongside, like in a canoe, you're not having to face each other.
It's not because that for a boy can be a little bit challenging and they start to, the adrenaline starts to flow again. If you're, if you're squaring up in front of them eye to eye, but if you're doing something together side by side, as opposed to eye by eye to eye, the conversation can flow a little bit more. Now, if they still say, I don't know, I don't know, say, okay, look, what I think was happening is that your brother went into your room and took something without asking you.
And that's been a, that's been a, you know, that's been hard for a while now. And he does it because he's little, but I get it. It's still annoying.
And, and now your, your boy might say, no, that's not what it was this time. It wasn't. And off they go.
Even, even, even if you're wrong, if your boy says no, like, no, that wasn't it. And you say, oh, okay. So, so what was it then? Because if they say no, then they know what it was that was the yes.
So take a guess at it, take your best guess. And then, then the conversation can often flow a little bit more if you're doing things together. And also the great thing about doing things together, particularly chores, is that they're going to end.
There's almost like a natural time timer set. If you're clearing the table, that table is going to be cleared and done. And the boy knows it.
And the conversation is not going to go on and on and on. That is what boys, many boys really worry about. They pull away from it.
They won't get into the conversation. And they'll just, I don't know you. I don't know.
I don't know. They don't want to get into it because they think it's going to go too long. Some parents have even said they need to say to their boys, look, this isn't going to go on too long.
No, no, really. By the time we're finished doing the dishes, we'll be done with this. So, you know, if we can figure this out, let's just do it quickly and we'll be done.
A lot of boys, and I might quietly add men to that list, will open up, will open up their feelings a little bit if they know this is not going to go on for 15, 20, 30, 40 minutes, an hour. It's too much. And look, even if a conversation is a really serious one and it does need to go on, you think, man, we've really got to sort this one out.
Do it in short bursts of 10 or 15 minutes and then say, okay, we'll circle back. It doesn't just have to be one circle. It can be, look, let's just spend 10 minutes trying to figure this out.
And if we can't, let's at least take a couple of steps forward and then later tonight we can finish off. That framework, giving boys a framework like that, they're much, much more likely to be able to flow with you when you do that. Okay, so boys, problem solving and circling back.
And again, don't forget if you'd like to speak to me personally, just go right on to simplicityparenting.com. You'll see a request, a consult with Kim. And I always love to hear from parents and really be able to do a deeper dive specifically into the issues of your family. Okay, bye bye for now.
