Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. This is part of a special series of follow-up answers to questions posed in the Live for San Quentin television show that was hosted by Jewel and kindly invited myself and Brad Paisley, the singer, on to the show to really focus on mental health issues during the time we're living in and a number of questions seem to arise about how do we nurture children's confidence, the drop of confidence that children all around the world are feeling right now and this clinginess, over-reliance on parents. Parents wrote in using the words like my children are whining and whinging a lot, don't seem to be able to play on their own, have really lost confidence in their ability, now are self-doubting.
These are all words that came up in this very large collection of questions that people very kindly wrote in. One of the things I wanted to say from the get-go is that this will have knocked children's confidence. It's a very obvious statement but if a child is feeling a little less confident right now, depending on their temperament, they'll express it in various ways.
Because they're feeling emotionally disoriented, the extroverted kids, the sort of very powerful kids, the kids who are a bit feisty, a bit fiery, they will get a little bit more fiery. It'll become exaggerated. The kids who are extroverted but are a little bit flighty, they're not fighty, they're flighty as in flight, they'll become a little more like that and be like little whirlwinds around the house and be unsettled and pace around and easily upset and kind of get hysterical and then you can see that there's a kind of a almost like the wind is picking up their emotional leaves and just blowing them up into the air.
The children who are introverted, who are a little more, let's say, a little more stubborn, they're kids who normally just like everything in a kind of an order. They're very orderly kids. They don't like surprises, for example.
They enjoy food. They enjoy comfort and things not taking them by surprise. Those kids can really dig their heels in and get stubborn.
Their disorientation, their response to it is just to become stuck and if anything isn't done exactly the way it should be done or the way they want it to be done, it upsets them. And finally, the fourth group are those children who are very, very thinly layered up emotionally. A lot comes in.
There's not a lot of filtering. They feel the world deeply. They're very empathic.
I mean, all children are empathic, but these kids are particularly empathic. They're very sensitive to knocks and bumps and bruises physically, but also emotionally. And this time where a lot of things have changed for them will cause them to become disquietened.
Their response is often to get a little bit sarcastic, a little bit sharp with siblings. And it's very personal. The things that they send out, the comments they send out can easily wound because these kids are empathic, which is great, right? But they also know our weaknesses.
They know their siblings' vulnerabilities. And kids like this who normally are beautiful kids, they're like little Red Cross boys and girls. Emotionally, they move in.
If anyone is hurt, they're there. They're checking things out. If they get hurt, if they get a little cut on their finger, they want to put a tourniquet on it or they kind of limp around because there's a little knock on their finger or something.
I mean, they do feel the physical world deeply with bumps and bruises. But as I mentioned, it's the same emotionally. Now, their response is often a kind of a passive-aggressive, shooting very personal comments out.
However, if a personal comment or sarcasm, which they've just perhaps been very sarcastic, if sarcasm or a personal comment is made back to them, they're extremely wounded. Now, with these kids during this time, it's very understandable that their natural character, their natural temperament has become somewhat exaggerated. So what to do about it? Well, let's just back up a little bit more now.
The fiery children, those children who are in the disturbance for them, the lack of confidence that they're feeling will go to an exaggerated overconfidence. And so for them, it's very important that we don't take them head on, that we don't get into head-to-head arguments with them, because they're very proud kids. These fiery kids are very proud, and they will take you on.
And then you can find yourself arguing with a nine-year-old, and it's like, how, why am I arguing with a nine-year-old? They're nine, and I'm not. And how do I like, get me out of this? Even before you get into it, key word here, defer and deflect. Defer the conversation till everyone calms right on down, because these fiery kids flare up, but they also quieten down pretty quickly.
They also, they burn up, and then they burn down. But don't go running into the flames. Make a fire break.
Defer the, if there's been a very challenging, fiery comment made, just turn to a child like that and say, whoa, that is really harsh. Something must be really bugging you. We'll talk about that soon when you've calmed on down.
And they might say, well, well, I want to talk about it now. You say, yeah, no, no, we're not going to talk about it now. That's not going to help anyone when you calmed on down, but I know something's bothering you.
And then they fairly quickly calm down. But at this time, when our anxiety levels are rising, we're tempted to take them on right there and then. And, and that's very unattractive.
Nothing good is going to come of that. They need to be held accountable, but not there and then. Okay.
Now the second kind of extroverted child, the, the air child, the wind child, the sanguine child. This child is, can be, as I mentioned, very easily, they're, they're kind of, their plumage, their emotional plumage gets all ruffled. These are kids who love to dress up.
They love to look great and they have scarves. And even through their teenage years, they, they can walk into, you know, a, a, a secondhand clothing store and come out looking fantastic. They just put things together.
They're so sunny. They're so gorgeous, these kids. But in times like this, this is when they can become hysterical and can just become really uncentered.
Now for these kids, it's very important that when they blow up like this and they become lost like this, it's very important for us as adults, as their movement goes up emotionally, our emotional gesture needs to go, yeah, down. We need to go down. We need to feel our feet on the floor like big lion's paws or like roots growing into the earth, into the warm, moist earth.
We mustn't go up with them. And it's important to give them a little bit of time to just calm on down and to not get caught up in their whirlwind as much as possible. I know this is not easy to sit with a child like that, assure them, you know, it's hard that they have to do this kind of, let's say, schoolwork.
You know, that this is tough for them. They hate doing this at school. Why do I have to do more of this at home? You're not my teacher, you know, and so on and so on.
And just assure them that, you know, this is tough. I know, I know this is hard. It's, it's awful.
Yep. Yep, it is. I don't blame you for being bothered by it.
I can see that this, and just assure them that, you know, that their upset is reasonable, you know, or if not reasonable, that it has a reason. Let them know that, and they'll calm on down more quickly than one would expect. And then speak to them and let them know, let them know you're there for them.
Now, the two introverted groups of kids. The first group, these watery kids, the phlegmatic kids, the kids who get very stubborn, set in their ways, their anger, their disorientation is almost like a tsunami. It's almost like a tidal wave.
And boy, when they get angry, can they do well. They can, it's spectacular. They only do it like a handful of times a year, not like the fiery kids who do it a handful of times per day.
But when these phlegmatic, these watery kids do it, man, they're good at it. Now for these kids, the what's very important to them is, is fairness, and predictability, and rhythm. They love it more than almost any of the other character types.
But to let them know that you understand that something is not fair, that something has happened that they weren't ready for, because this, this bugs them, that something has happened that they didn't see coming that shouldn't have happened. I remember one little boy shouting out, that shouldn't have happened, that shouldn't have happened. Oh, the dear heart, and he was really, he was one of these watery children.
And he just had this whole, he was ready to go out for outside play, about sort of six, six years old or so. And it didn't happen. And it was beyond the control.
But it was deeply upsetting to him. And boy, did he blow up. Finally, the last group, these very earthy children, the introverted, earthy types, the melancholic types that the like little psychic vacuum cleaners, they pick everything up.
Now these kids are being disturbed right now. Because they're picking up, it's almost like a, I don't know any other way to put it, but a psychic energy. Is it too weird to say that? I'm not sure.
But they, they pick up that there's something going on in the world. These kids more than any others, pick up that sort of energetic level, it's hard to find words for it. But they know, they know.
And for them, it's very important when they make these sarcastic comments, these hurting, wounding comments to people around them. The key words for them is, is understanding and empathy. And I don't mean to let them off the hook for what they said, you circle right on back to that and hold them to account.
But not there. And then the adrenaline, the cortisol is flowing. They're not going to receive discipline in that moment.
Absolutely not. That's just going to make them feel more threatened. And they're going to take more shots at people and be more wounding because they are feeling cornered and disoriented.
In that moment, you might want to say to a child like that, you know, if they're 11 years old, or doesn't matter if they're four years old. I remember what it was like to be this upset. I totally remember.
And I remember what it was like to not be misunderstood. You know, when I was a little boy, and I was 11, I totally remember when I felt judged. And I got a hunch that you feel really judged.
And I say, yes, I feel judged. And you judged me, right? Very personal, very personal. And say, well, I sure didn't mean to hurt you in that way.
And, and I know how wounding that can be. That sort of empathy, that waving of a white flag of empathy is there is nothing wrong with it. Again, it does not mean if a child's behaved very badly, that you're not going to hold them to account.
All these strategies, all four of these strategies I just mentioned, are actually meant to hold children to account. Because it brings them to a point where they can take ownership of their actions, and not feel they need to be defending themselves and pushing back against us. So four different types of reactions for the four different character types or temperaments, all triggered by this very much changing shifting sands we're living, living the times we're living in.
That's a lot. Hope that was helpful. Bye bye for now.
