Hello and welcome back to this series of Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim-John Payne, on the whole theme of working with our families, being with our families through this coronavirus crisis. I think it's fair to say that is sweeping around the world. The last in this series is going to be very understandably, of course, about filtering adult information from children and also actually from teens as well.
It's certainly filtering from younger children and discerning and balancing with teenagers. So let's dig into this a little bit. It's very obvious that young children should not be hearing report after report about really super scary stuff.
And I know that anyone listening to this podcast knows that, but it is amazing in the world how many people struggle with this or are only very, very dimly aware, if at all, that there needs to be filters there. We've lost track of it as a society. Now, although we might be onto it, our extended family and friends may not.
And so one of the things that people have been talking to me about, writing in, calling into the Simplicity Parenting Institute about this, is with comments and questions about what do you do with extended family who are talking about this stuff non-stop. Friends, non-stop. It's all they're talking about.
I think it's really worth doing two things, perhaps a third, but two main things. One is to be very discerning about the people you're going to meet up with in the coming weeks. And you know the people who struggle with screening what they're saying in front of a child.
You know the people who struggle with appropriateness. And honestly, I would limit the time with those folk, if not completely avoid it. You can resume the friendship or the connection later on.
But if you've got a hunch that it's going to scare the wits out of your kids, honestly, our first loyalty is to our children. And I'm just not going to have my kids be around those good people. Of course, but they just don't, they're not aware, or they just don't share the fact that we think little kids shouldn't be hearing that stuff in that way.
The second thing is to try and prepare them. You know, if you're going to visit in-laws or your own parents or aunts or uncles or, you know, it's small groups because we're told just small group gatherings now, no large group gatherings. Prepare them ahead of time.
Give them a call and say to your sister, your brother, whoever it is, to the children's grandparents, look, we've got to be really, really careful what we say in front of our kids. You know this is important for me. And I know that you perhaps think that I'm overprotective.
But honestly, at this time, we need to be just, just don't do it. Please, please don't do it. Because there's so much going on about this.
Kids are scared. Could you help me out and really call on them to be your helper. Because in times of crisis like this, people come together.
They do. We know that. And I have a strong hope for you that if you were to ask people who normally are unguarded with what they say and don't agree with you in terms of they think you're overprotective, then call on their help.
And chances are, because of the nature of the severity of what's happening, and I think it is fair to say that it's severe. I'm not a medical health expert. But there does seem to be an aspect of just simply taking this seriously, not overreacting, not becoming panicked.
But there is a seriousness to the situation. And at that point, my experience is many, many people will go that extra mile. Personally, I've been through it with bushfires in Australia, where whole communities have been wiped out, houses burnt down, including my own.
And people change in those situations. Our compassion comes out, our cooperation comes out. And try it.
And if you don't get the feeling that they're going to come on board, well, then simply avoid them. The guidelines in the Simplicity Parenting book really do come to a head here, in that these three, and I've added a fourth to these filtering of what to say in front of children. The fourth piece I've added in the new edition of Simplicity Parenting, which is about to come out in the late summer, early fall, a whole new completely actually rewritten edition is about to hit.
And I'm so pleased. But this, and actually, I haven't mentioned that before. So yeah, yeah, there we are small little announcement of sorts.
It'll be again published by Penguin Random House. Yeah. So in that book, many of you will know that I suggest before saying anything in front of a child, we ask ourselves three, and I've added a fourth question to this.
The first question is, is it kind? Is what I'm about to say filled with kindness? Is it compassionate? And if the answer is yes, then you might consider saying it. If the answer is no, we don't. The second is, is it true? Now, I don't mean factually true.
I mean, true to my values. Is it true to my values to say this in front of a five year old, nine year old, 11 year old? Is that what I want to be saying in front of my child? Is that what I want them witnessing me saying in that way? And often that has to do with the tone in which one uses. It could be very accusatory, you know, or it could be very panicked.
And in that way, is it true to my values? The third one is, is it necessary? Is it strictly necessary that I say this right now? Is something going to happen bad unless I say it? And the answer is usually, you know, no. No, I don't need to say this right now. I can defer it.
It can be saved for later. And the fourth one is, is it securing? Will this help my child or teen feel more secure in this family, in this community, in this world? Will it help them feel more secure? And if the answer is yes, then you could consider saying it. But if the answer is no, then again, just don't say it.
Say it later. My experience and certainly the experience of countless numbers of people is that when this filter is run and you do defer it and say it later, the quality of what you say anyway to a friend, partner, extended family member, what you say is more processed. It's more thoughtful and the voice in which you speak it with is more you.
It just feels better. And some people have gone so far as to say to me, you know, the practice of this true kind necessary securing has actually helped me speak in the voice that I want to speak in. It's helped me be the person I want to be.
And that's thrilling, of course, to hear that. So in that sense, we can apply this filter to ourselves in these coming weeks and months, because boy, is that ever going to be needed. And if you have been practicing this, then honestly, what lucky kids, bravo, because this will be easy.
It'll be a bit more tested out and you'll have more opportunities for it. But it's going to really strengthen that practice within you. Now, the other aspect of filtering out the adult world is to be very, very careful about screens, about screen exposure, screen time with kids and teenagers.
It's going to be particularly important because of this double whammy, right? One is that this is all over the screen. It's all over. And by the way, I would add the information coming through the radio as well.
But it's everywhere in the media. Half hourly news cycles are almost a thing of the past. This is all that's being reported.
Almost. I tested that theory out before popping into the studio to record this. And I just switched backwards and forwards between TV channels on my computer and switched backwards and forwards between a bunch of different radio stations.
And not one of them, not one was not reporting on this virus. It's constant. And so in that way, the double whammy is it's just unrelenting.
And the other is your kids are going to very likely have more time at home. Where it's it they're going to be bugging you, hassling you to have more screen time. This more now than ever is going to need us to be just rock solid in our limiting screen exposure.
If you are a no screen home, that's easy. And you see, we've prepared for it. We've prepared for it.
And here we are. How brilliant is that? If you're a low screen home, then also we've prepared for it. Because if you are a low screen home, that means your kids are used to you stepping in and being the guardian of what is watched, what isn't watched, and how much they watch it.
And my earnest advice on this, I can't emphasize this enough, is to have less screen time in these coming months. And certainly in the coming weeks, not more, because the power of what's coming through the screen is going to be more. The other thing that some parents have been doing is just switching off all connected media, and just switching to DVDs, and just playing movies.
And the information that their kids get about this virus comes via them, where it can be given in the right time, in the right way, and it's sensitively done. And then use the screen only for calming, securing, it might be an older time movie. I'm very fond of if you're going to watch movies with kids, watch older movies where the pace was a bit slower, that the pacing of movies is hugely important in terms of a child's ability to feel safe.
Because when the screen is flashing and moving and moving and flashing, then it's actually adding to and triggering the child's fight or flight response. And it's meant to. Modern movies are very, very powerful, because they are on to this.
They know that if you show lots of slightly threatening, fast paced images, then you'll capture the child's attention, right? And that's what they're all trying to do. If you show, oh, and that, of course, triggers fight or flight, freeze or flock, and there's so much of that happening now, just in the ether, it just seems to be around us, that why would we want to add more of that through watching inappropriate movies, inappropriate screen images? If you can be now more than ever the guardian of what your child sees on a screen, no screens in bedrooms, no taking phones into a corner, everything is public, so you can move in quickly and turn it off. And most of you listening to this podcast, your kids, again, they'll be used to you doing this, because that's the kind of totally mean mother, or father you are, the totally weird person, because you are filtering what it is and how it is that they use screens.
This point, again, is that if you've struggled with screens in your home, and who hasn't, but it's been a big struggle, and you kind of wished that there could be less screen stuff going on. Now is the time, the perfect excuse to do it. Just looking right at a teenager, right at a tweenager, and saying, it's going to do no one any good watching this stuff, listening to this stuff.
This is a time when we don't need to be frightened by what's going, what they're saying to us on a screen, we can stay informed. I'll keep you informed, I promise. But this is a time when we need to be close together as a family, not all in our separate rooms on our screens.
We need to do stuff like games, we need to play board games together, we need to do puzzles together, we need us to hang out, read magazines and books together. We need to be together. This is tough.
This is I know, I'm wording this, pitching this to a teenager. This is tough. And when it's tough like this, as a family, we need to get through this and we need to be close.
And having screens in separate rooms and all just doing our own stuff. That's kind of tricky. If you want to read a book in your room and just have quiet time, that's fine.
That's fine. We don't have to spend every minute of the day together. Of course, a teenager will totally roll their eyes like that.
But I find, you know, having raised two teenagers myself and still having one teenager at home, that they have incredible intuitive compassion when spoken to openly like this. And it's a call for help. And it's not, it doesn't come out of what they perceive as being weird or being evangelical or just strange.
It comes from a totally different place. Now finally, when all this calms on down, be very, very judicious about how to go back to screens. This might be the perfect time to de-screen your home.
Or it might be the perfect time to take the limits that you had been very firm and continue that firmness that you've found a good foothold for making decisions around screens. And you stick to it. So this is the end of this special series.
I always say I hope that was helpful at the end of these podcasts. But I more than hope this was helpful. I'm with you, brothers and sisters in simplicity.
And I just wish everyone a warm, connected time with your children and teens. Okay, bye-bye for now.
