Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. Today I wanted to touch on a subject that is touchy. That is when one parent is trying to deal with the kids and it's not going so well.
And this is based on, mainly based on a two-parent home, but can also apply to when friends or extended family are around if you're a soloing as a parent as well. You know, when you're working with kids and you're trying to get them into, you know, to do their homework, you're trying to talk to them about, you know, some of the social stuff they're doing, older kids, you know, where they're going, what time they're going to be home, little kids about bedtime or bath time, and you're getting a lot of trouble, you're getting a lot of pushback, and you know it's not going well. And you kind of know that the other parent is hearing all this, is witnessing it all, and it feels bad, you know, and it also is awkward for both of you.
You know, it's awkward to listen to a parent who's struggling like that, and you kind of get this feeling of, if I step in to this, it's going to seem like I'm usurping the other parent. I'm kind of undermining their authority, but at the same time, it doesn't look good to my kids that I'm just sitting there and not doing anything and letting this happen. One of the ways to sort of cut across this a little bit is to back it on up and actually talk about it before you get in the situation with your kids.
What I mean by this is that you can organize a tag team thing with parents, but you've got to do it ahead of time. What I mean by this is that, let's say you've got a quiet evening, you're just sitting around home, things are cleared away, and there's that blessed little patch of time before you and your partner, husband, wife, turn in for the night. It's that kind of time.
It could be during a walk, it could be at a date night when you're at a restaurant, whatever it is, but when there's a space, it could be time to consider an agreement, and it's a really simple one, actually, and that's that when one parent is struggling with another, you agree like a simple little, it's almost like a secret message, but it's a key sentence, key words that both you and your partner know, but it seems normal to a child. It doesn't seem weird or veiled or guarded. It's just normal, but you've worked out ahead of time what you can say to your partner, and you've come to an agreement that when one partner says that to another, it's done kindly, the motivation is that of trying to be helpful, and you've agreed ahead of time that you're going to help each other out like this.
What I mean really practically is, for example, working out a sentence by saying, in one situation where a child's not doing well, they're pushing back, they're whinging, they're arguing, you're witnessing this with your wife, husband, partner, and the sentence might be something like, may I join you? As simple as that. May I join you? And what you're signaling to a child is that there are now two adults present. You are not stepping back.
You're not stepping away. You're not awkward. You're joining with your partner, but you're asking a question.
It's polite. May I join you? Now, if you work out a sentence like that ahead of time, like the magic words, may I join you, just four magic words, then the other partner is free to say, no, it's okay for now, thank you. Or, yes, please join us.
But it opens the possibility of the other parent, the other co-parent, actually joining the conversation and very often coming into a conversation that's become a little bit heated as a third parent shifts the temperature, it cools it down a little bit, it just quietens things down a little bit. It's polite, but it shifts the chemistry of this thing that's bouncing backwards and forwards between a parent and a child, because now there's sort of like a positive triangulation made. And more often than not, if you work out four little magic words, may I join you, like that, it's very, very common, and it feels good to say, oh, yeah, please join us.
And you can say to the other parent, yes, yeah, join us. I mean, it could be that you say, no, look, you know what, I'm okay. I think we've almost decided what we're doing.
It could be that as well. But it's got to do, in a sense, with being able to open a space for the other parent. It could be that you could turn it around the other way.
Let's say you're out going for a walk with your partner, and you're talking about this sort of stuff, the may I join you, but there's another way. You could actually, in that moment, rather than duking it out with your child and feeling you've got to get this sorted out, and it's your thing, and it's just up to me, turn to your partner, if, you know, of course, this is all based on if they're around, and say to them, can you join us? So there can be a question where you don't have to wait for a partner to ask, is it okay to join? You make this pre-agreement, and this is the important part. There's a pre-agreement, and you give each other permission, and in this case, to turn to the other and say to them, can you join us? And you open that door yourself.
Now that is, in some ways, even better, because you're lifting yourself out of this intense, linear, ping-ponging, bouncing conversation, almost elevating into an argument. It's going backwards and forwards and backwards and forwards, and it's getting uncomfortable, and it's going to escalate, or it is already escalating, and you just turn to your partner, husband, wife, and just say, you know what, could you just join us for a minute? And again, that's the key words. It's kind of secret between you and your partner, but when one partner says, can you join us, the answer always is, oh yeah, of course.
The answer is always yes, and you both agree it, because if I'm in a really difficult position with a child, and I reach out for help like that, I'm vulnerable. Parenting is the path of vulnerability, but in situations where it's really not going well, that's especially vulnerable. So if I open my heart, open my vulnerability, and reach out to another parent and say, you know, just that simple little, could you join us, that is the key.
That is the signal to the other parent to drop whatever they're doing, to put the phone down, to leave the chopping of the salad or the preparing of the vegetables. Whatever it is, that at that moment is priority. Nothing's more important.
You agree that that is top priority in that moment. If you say, maybe I would say to my wife, if I say, could you please join us, it's pretty much a guarantee that you will say yes and vice versa. The energy shift that occurs when you do this is palpable to children.
And the many parents who have tried these key little agreements, three, four, five, six words, whatever the sentence is, and it's got to be a normal, it's got to seem normal, you know, not some weird thing that you're doing. Your children will, you know, get weirded out by that. But just something that sounds completely normal.
Parents who have done this have been really grateful to the fact that it's shifted the energy in the conversation, but it's brought them closer together. But again, I've got to emphasize that the key to this is doing it proactively, working it out ahead of time, and then running it when a situation needs it. Okay, simple little thing, right? But it can have big implications.
I hope that's helpful. Bye bye for now.
