Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John-Payne. This is the second part of a little series on protecting kids from the stress in adult relationships. And this part, second part, is to do with caring for a child who finds themselves in this situation.
You might remember in the last podcast we talked about self-care and what one can do as a parent in this situation because of the crucial nature of securing ourselves first and then securing our children second. It's like that, it's almost like a cliche now, isn't it? But when we fly on an airplane we're often told, you know, in case of emergency secure your own mask, your own oxygen mask first before helping others. So in a sense that's the way we're going about this.
The first part was to do with our own feeling of safety, security and coping and staying as, you know, as centered as we can. And in this part we talk more about children in particular. It's really tough, right, to have stress when you're a child and conflict with the adults around you.
It fundamentally shakes, can shake, a child's feeling of safety, of security. It alters their feeling of that kind of safe base that they're launching out from, that safe harbor that they launch out from into the world each day. And we can do quite a number of things to secure a child in that and say to them, you know, in either directly or much of what we'll talk about today is foundational, you are safe, you're okay, we're getting through this, everything is fine with us, you still have me, I'm your parent, I'm here for you, you are my priority, we are our priority and our family is, we're good and we're going to be perfectly okay.
And one of the ways in which one can do this the best is to understand that in these moments when things are shifting and changing and a child is aware that their attentions at the very least their attentions and the adults around them and things are changing, you know, maybe there's a mom or a dad who's moved out or who was moving out. Maybe it's tensions within the, with grandparents and they're not visiting so often or conversations are strained. Maybe it's conflict and tensions with a teacher at school or the administration and a child is somewhat aware that things are not like they used to be.
Now in one way we could say we can bracket this completely from a child and there are times for sure when as parents we've done that, you know, we've been talking to you know, parent-in-laws, children's grandparents and we just utterly bracket that from a child. We just, there's no need for them to know anything at all and so I'm not at all discounting that as an option. In fact sometimes it's one of the best options but there are times when the intersection of family or friends or school or sports coaches where it is going to change things for a child.
They know it. It's just because their daily rhythms are affected. They therefore know that something is changing.
So therefore relating directly to that, my first point is to really strengthen the rhythms and predictability around a child's life. You see it relates directly to change. If the change of a grandparent or tensions, conflicts with a partner, husband, wife, school, official, teacher, if there's something going on that is going to change a child's rhythm it might be tensions with a sports coach.
If a child is on a team and they're training and they have been training, you know, three, four, five nights a week and you've just got real concerns that that coach is not doing well for the child, pushing them too hard, is out for the win, not for the child's development. You've made this known. The coach has really pushed back.
It has been in the way you see it, not cooperative, maybe even rude or aggressive towards you. And so now you're pulling the child either out of the team and looking for another team or you're dialing back the amount of practices. This is one example but it's a real one.
I was helping a parent with this quite recently. Then, okay, so a child's rhythm is really going to change. It's really going to shift if they're going to shift teams, for example, and their friends are on this team and they've been training a lot, in fact probably over-training.
Well, one of the things we can do is whilst that rhythm is really changing, we can really secure and step up the amount of rhythm that we have in other ways. So bedtime rhythms really start to become ritualized and very, very important. When a child wakes up, the way they wake up, breakfast time, really important.
If you occasionally have pancake mornings on Saturday mornings, then reinstitute that and make that a really great rhythm that you have. A family board game where you play lovely board games on a Saturday evening and you do that occasionally and it used to be a rhythm but it fell by the wayside. Pick it up again and start to, and this does two things really, it builds new rhythms around a child and as such it signals to the child's whole being that all is well.
It signals to a child's nervous system, actually in the neurological system, that all is well because it creates a picture. A child who can create a picture of their day and create a picture of their week through rhythm and predictability because they know what's coming up, it prevents them going into that lizard brain, that amygdala hijack that I often speak about because it brings them into other parts, higher parts of their neurological function and as such, even though there's all sorts of change going on around them, in this example with a sports club but it might be with a more serious thing of divorce or you know separation from a partner, it signals to them life is still predictable, life is still rhythmical and most of all it signals to them that there are no surprises or very few surprises and this is a key message to give a child when there's a lot of conflict and stress around them because they're worried that something is going on that is not okay and they're not sure what it is and our temptation is to sit them down and tell them all about it in way too much detail. That's a modern tendency because we want our child to feel secure.
Well, whilst it might be worth giving them the bare bones that yes, you know, mummy is moving out or daddy or yes, you know, this is happening, yes, we're going to be changing school because things aren't going so well for us in that school, you know, of course that kind of just bare bones information is often very necessary without going into loads and loads of detail about it. The reason we go into detail is our motivation is to secure a child. Well, we can do that in a way that doesn't risk over disclosing too much information and frankly stressing a child even further because they don't know what to do with all that information by providing rhythm and predictability and if we do need to speak to a child about the changes that are coming up, let's say it's a change of school because there's been really intense relationships, disappointment with a school and we're going to change schools, for example.
Of course, a child needs to know that but when they're told that in very simple terms, even, you know, when they're 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 years old, just this is where we're going with this. Wait for their questions and answer them simply rather than over inform. Just let a child process it and say to them, I'm going to be checking back in to see if you have any questions and, you know, if you have any questions at all, you can come to me anytime and ask me about it and very often their questions are based around their own lives, their children, of course.
That's not being self-centered, it's just the way it is and their questions will be around friends and their question will be around the changes in their life and if we're ready for that, that's well and good and we just answer the questions as they come up. For some more introverted children, they actually may not come out with questions. So, the answer there is to kind of drip feed information to them, to say to them, you know, we've got a little bit of a plan so that you will be able to stay in contact with your friends at the school or, you know, whatever it is, in whatever situation and just it's a 30-second, one-minute little piece and then saying to a child, how does that sound to you? And then they might, you know, comment on it.
That's for the more introverted children. Sometimes they do need a little bit of help with it but in general, we have got to be very careful about over-disclosing to children in one great big sort of information dump. They don't do so well with that.
So, all that cycles around the anxiety and a lot of the comments and suggestions I'm going to make in this podcast are about that. The other one is also based around not, and this is related, not over-scheduling a child during this time. If there's a time of stress in a family, conflict, shifting, changing, your child's going to be much more secure if they've got more downtime to process because change for a child needs processing.
They just need more downtime. We often get told, well, let's all keep busy. And actually for a child or a teenager, I found quite, quite the opposite is true.
They not just need, they don't just need more downtime. They need more hangout time with you. Just being around helps them feel more secure and safe.
And as such, you've got to really watch the amount of scheduling, the amount of clubs, the amount of playdates, just the amount of stuff going on after school activities and so on and so on. Visits to in-laws or grandparents, all that stuff needs to quieten down. And the priority in the way I see it for the time when there is conflict and change needs to be on a very low impact schedule.
And it needs to have time where children are just hanging out in their bedrooms, where they feel safe, around the house, you know, doing little projects with you, maybe baking with you. And that is, that needs time. And so be careful about overscheduling in times of change as well.
You can also, one of the things, the third thing I wanted to talk about was telling children that you really do understand that this is not easy for them. Rather than telling them it's all going to be all right, that's maybe OK. It's not the worst thing in the world to say.
But a better thing to say to children in this situation is you understand that this is hard. It's hard for everyone that this change is happening. Because for a child, yes, it is about conflict, and they don't like to see conflict with the adults they care for.
And so that's one level. And the second level is this is causing me, a child, a lot of change, and I don't like it. And, or sometimes they might like it, but most often they don't.
And so to let them know that there will be an end to this, we are moving through, that if it's a separation, for example, of mummy and daddy, the mummy and daddy are working through this. And that to tell them the one thing amongst others that's most special that mummy and daddy both agree on is how much they love and care for you, and how much they want to secure you, and have you feel good and safe and have it be the best it possibly can for you. We're really thinking of you.
And the one thing particularly that mummy and daddy have is that they just love you so, so very, very much. And that that is always going to be in our mind as we talk together and work out how to make this change. That's a crucial message for a child.
And I know it sounds really intuitive, but it's important that that comes back, you know, every now and then, you know, every week, every couple of weeks, that a child is really affirmed and secured in that way. And just saying it right out loud, I feel there's no harm in that at all. Only good things that can come out of that.
And also, assure them as well that you will do your best for there to be no surprises. Because a child at this time is worried about things that are going to come out of nowhere, you know, and blindside them. And so let them know that when something, when mummy and daddy or mum and dad get to a point where there's decisions to be made, you'll be letting them know.
If things are going to change, you'll let them know. You can also ask them, is there anything that's especially important for you? And let a child have a voice in this. There's no problems, of course.
And to have to for even, you know, for an eight, nine, 10 year old to say, is there anything that's particularly important for you? Certainly for a teenager, they're going to want to have input into that. And I think it's important they have their voice in that. They're not, of course, going to run the show, and they shouldn't feel that they have responsibility for this.
But to ask them, is there anything important as we change? Or if it's a change in sports clubs, a change in schools, whatever it is, is there anything that's important to you that mum or dad needs to be aware of? And it's good to really take that on board, let them know you take that on board and occasionally assure them that you haven't, you really have not forgotten about that at all. One of the other things that I've been aware of is to be able to say to a child that it's going to be the thing we are going to get through this. It's going to be okay.
And it's okay that adults see things differently. You know, to be able to say to a child, if it's a separation, for example, or if it's tensions with parent-in-laws or whatever, and you're dialing back on the amount of time children are spending with an in-law, to be able to say to them, you know, it's grandpa and grandma do see things differently. It's true.
They grew up in a different time. They see things differently. And that's really okay.
It's okay that adults see things differently. And I, you know, your dad, I'm really okay with your mom or your grandma seeing things differently to me because that's just the way things are in the world. You know, it's not that I'm right and your mom's wrong or your mom's right and I'm wrong.
We just see it differently. And in our family, having different perspectives like that, being able to see things differently, it's really okay. It's just gotten to a point with your mom and I that we see things so differently.
We've decided it would be better for us to not live together in the way we have. But it's really all right that your mama sees things one way and that I see it another because that's just a part of life. And that's really okay.
That point about differing perspectives really helps a child not get caught in whose side to take, in who was right and who was wrong. And this is a big one. This one is super important because it relieves the child of that sort of tension of of seeing that there are different camps and loyalties and having secrets from one side to another, all that very, very important that a child needs to understand that people see things differently and people choose to live their lives differently.
There's so many people who live their lives in different ways and that's okay. It's just that in this case, this example of separation of partners, your mama and I live our lives so differently that it's easier for us to not live in the same house. But it's okay that people live lives differently.
Now, you might be thinking, actually, I don't like the way my wife or my husband, my former wife, former husband lives their life. There's way too much TV. There's way too much sugar.
There's way too much junk food. There's way too much, you know, too much sort of late bed times. So, you know, yes, you're holding all that within you.
But the fact is that's the way a former partner is choosing to live their life and they have the freedom to do that. And it's important that a child understands that whilst you don't want to live your life like that, that's not how, that's not the way I want to be. That's the way your dad or your mom wants to be.
And that's their freedom. I don't want to live like that. And it gets us out of the judgment zone where you're right on the edge of saying, and that is not a good way to live.
That's hard for a child. And that leads me towards the last point I wanted to make. Just a last couple of things.
Is that as hard as it is, we have got to work so diligently to not bad mouth a person we're having conflict with. That really places the child in difficulty, increases the stress and strains. Just as we don't want to overshare all that's going on and all our feelings about a coach, a teacher, you know, a partner.
We also, I think, have to be very, very careful not to say bad things about them. That really, over the years of helping countless kids through separation, for example, of parents, that's the one thing they comment on that was the hardest. And that they hated it and didn't like it.
And years later, they're coming to see someone like me, you know, a counselor to try and work that out, because it still stayed with them right into their adult life. We can say, you know, I live my life this way. And the family that I have and what we do and the food we eat and the way in which we use, you know, screens, TVs and computers and so on.
And the way in which we have rhythm in our family and all that. This is the way we live. And this is what I believe in.
Your father believes in something else. And it's different to me. And that's why it's better that we're living differently, separately right now.
But this is the way we live. And then leave off that follow-up statement. And the way he lives is just not okay by me.
And I don't agree. That is really, really hard for a child, unusually hard for a child to assimilate. As I mentioned, I work with kids who are now adults, who are still dealing with that kind of tension that that created within their own emotional makeup.
Lastly, just wrapping up now, for younger children right through to teenagers, at night time, or whenever it's right, mealtime, it's often at night time, bedtime, just run through the day, you know, run through what worked out in the day today, what didn't work out, what was good, what was not so good. And then tomorrow, what's going to be hard about tomorrow? What are you not looking forward to? And what's something that could be good tomorrow? What are you looking forward to? In the Simplicity Parenting book, it's called the Rose and Thorn Ceremony, you know, where you have a rose for the day today, that's just been a thorn, that was prickly and hard. And then a thorn about tomorrow, something you're not looking forward to, that might be prickly and sharp.
And then a rose for tomorrow, something that's really, really nice. And you can join in with that too, as well. Now, what this is doing, you know, voiced in different ways for different kids in different age groups, is reviewing the day that's just been, previewing the day that's coming.
And what it does is it grounds a child in that feeling of safety and security, when a lot around them is changing. Paying particular attention to review the day that's been, preview the day that's coming up, settles the child down so they can sleep better at night. But it also gives you a little bit of an insight to the stresses and strains that are going on.
For example, you might be saying, you know, like, I wonder what it is that you're not looking forward to tomorrow. And they might just come right out with it and say, well, we're at school. Daddy's going to be there and you're going to be there.
And you're both going to have these really hard faces. And I hate it. I don't like it when there's anything, goodness, you know, I thought I was doing so much better in the handover.
And you get these little glimpses into what you need to do to adjust. And shift the way in which you are. You can't alter the way other people are, of course, but you can alter the way you are and say, oh, oh gosh, you know, I do have a hard face on sometimes, I think.
You know what? It's, I'm going to work on that. I'm going to have a better face on, but I'm also going to work on feeling a little bit better as well. And thank you.
Okay, I get it. No, I get it. And the child, if they feel they can just tell you those little things as they occur.
So as they're coming up, as you're previewing the next day or reviewing all the little things about the stresses and strains, it's so much easier to hear about it when it's little. And you establish like a vessel. It's almost like an expectation that they can tell what was good and what was not so good.
And in that way, you prevent this from building up and building up and just and being almost like a trauma response when you deal with the small stresses and strains on a daily level. So one suggestion is that review, preview every single night. You may do it in your own way, but that's one way to ritualize it.
A child looks forward to it. They don't have to join in. They might say pass.
There's nothing today. It's okay. But very often they will have something to say.
And it's so much easier to have them unpack like that on a daily level without going into some great big psychotherapeutic thing. It's not a time for problem solving. It truly is not.
It's just a time for saying it and then just putting it down and letting it go. It's important because if kids feel that we're going to go into a major problem solving thing, they often don't want that. They just want to say it out loud.
Have us respond. Have us notice and take it on board. All right.
Another long, two long podcasts in this mini series. It's I guess because it's just one of the most important things. So I hope that's been okay.
That these have been extended podcasts. And most of all, gosh, I hope this has been helpful. Okay.
Bye bye for now.
