Hello, and welcome back to Simplicity Parenting, the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. This week, a question came up from a parent about protecting kids from adult stresses and conflict, and such a good question. So many parents over the years have raised this question, and I want to begin to answer that with a focus on self-care.
We'll come in a subsequent session to talking about care for the children, but I think the first step is to really care for ourselves when there's a lot of stress and potential conflict in your own world with adults around your family, or adults around your children. It could be, you know, a partner, a former partner, extended family, it could even be with school professionals, and sports coaches, if a child's very involved, heavily involved in sports, all kinds of possibilities. But it's not just, of course, moving right away to protecting a child.
We'll only be able to do that fully and properly if we are regulated ourselves, if we're healthy, if we're as balanced as we can be within ourselves. So starting with that in mind, one of the first things I find to do is to check and recalibrate a relationship. Now what I mean by this is that the cause of a lot of stress within adult relationships, close adult relationships, is usually a miscalibration between where you want that person to be in your life and where they are in your life, at what level.
Let me just unpack this just a little bit. And I've talked about this in a previous podcast, but this is looking through a different window really, is that when we have significant conflict with someone that is in our lives and in our children's lives, very often that person is close to you and the children, that otherwise it couldn't hurt that much, right? If you have conflict with some person at the supermarket or who cuts line at a concert, it might rankle you for a few hours, but it's no big deal. In this situation, though, it's someone usually pretty close.
And I think of four concentric types of relationship. And let me just briefly describe them. I talk about this, by the way, in the Soul of Discipline book, if anyone wants to do a little bit of a deeper dive into that.
The first kind of relationship is, I use the metaphor, is they're outside the garden fence. You know, there's your house, there's your garden, and there's your boundary of your property. And there's people who are outside the garden fence.
They're people who you see, they're people who you're willing to greet, perhaps, but they're living their lives, you're living yours. The next step towards the house, towards, you know, more, you know, close relationships, is you might open that gate and invite someone into the garden and sit at the picnic table, the garden table. And it's their acquaintances.
They're friends of sort, you're friendly with them, but not particularly good friends. But it's polite, respectful, there they are. But then off they go.
They don't come to the house, metaphorically, perhaps even really. And then there's relationships of people who you would, you know, you'd sit on the porch with them, you know, you would perhaps tell them a little bit more about your biography, you would listen to theirs, and a little bit closer now, but still not invited into the core of your relationships, into that core relationship. And then there's people who you would have right in at the kitchen table, there they are.
And if you've got, you know, a small handful of people like that in your life, you're lucky indeed, really, it's, we often dramatically overestimate the number of people that should be at a kitchen table. It's not big, it's not big, many more people can, can be out there on the, on the porch, you know, and a lot of people can, you can have around a large picnic table or garden table, but at your kitchen table, not, not so many. And of course, then there's this one final step of someone you invite into your bedroom, into that intimate relationship.
Now, the reason I take time to mention that is that it's, it's worth pausing at this point to say, where is this person, or where, you know, I can take them individually, where is this person now, in terms of calibrating my relationship? Do I particularly want them at the kitchen table, but they themselves feel that they're outside the garden fence? Or alternatively, is that person, for me, I need them to be outside the garden fence, but they keep on wanting to be at the kitchen, and I keep on allowing them to be there, or I keep allowing them to be on the porch, and it's causing me a lot of stress. Do I need to, to place them further away, for now, something may change down the track, but do I need to rethink my expectations of this relationship? Doing that helps calibrate and help set things right. And there, there can be myriad different nuances to this.
One of the ones I've seen in that, that in common that helps a lot, is if that if that person was perhaps a, you know, a former partner, a close relative, well, just because someone is your own flesh and bone, you know, just because they, they might be your mother or father or uncle or cousin, doesn't mean that they have a free pass to come and sit at your kitchen table. It really does not. As a parent, I believe our first, our first and what we need to look at first and foremost, and our duty is to our child, not to extended family.
And personally, I'm very, very clear about that. So, so if there's, if there's a decision to be made, and, and a relative, a blood relative even needs to be placed on the porch, because they're still, you want to be in good relationship with them. That's fine.
If they need to be at the, at the garden table further away, that's fine too. But if they need to be outside the garden gate for now, that's fine too, because their behavior has been so hurtful, difficult, and continues to be difficult. They need you to place them some other place for your own good, but for your child's good.
But particularly for one's own self-care, there needs to be new clarity in that, in that relationship. And then expectations can be recalibrated about what, what you can expect and can't expect from that person. Now, I know this is general, and I know there's all kinds of buts and like, but what if, but it, but let me just go on, because I think this will build up a greater picture.
And I'm very aware that there's all kinds of nuances in family and adult conflict around, around you and, and a child. The next one point that I want to make is finding a sounding board, finding someone outside your family. It could be a paid professional, or it, it could be someone who you really value, and you ask their permission.
It could be a colleague, but permission needs to be asked, with a, with a professional, of course, not so much, because that's, that's their, their work. If it's, if it's not, then permission needs to be asked. Can, can I use you as a sounding board for what I'm going through at the moment? I need to, for example, calibrate my relationship to my former partner, to my son's teacher, to my in-laws.
And I need someone to just be, I need someone to help me be objective about that. I, that's one role a sounding board can play, professional or non-professional. Another role is to ask them to say, look, I don't want to be too easy going about this and just be walked over, like be like a doormat.
But I also don't want to start getting stuck and obsessing about this. And can you help me be objective about whether I'm obsessing or whether I'm not taking it seriously enough? Because when you're right in a stressful situation with someone close to your family, it's really tricky to know. It's, it's not easy at all.
Another part of, of maintaining that kind of objectivity, the sounding board is one, but also to connect with, with keeping a journal. Potentially some people find that very helpful because it helps bracket one's stresses and worries to say, okay, I'm going to write that down. I'm going to close my journal.
And when I close my journal, I close my stressing as much as possible. I'm going to write it down and walk away. Other people have said, I allow myself worry time.
I allot myself a morning and evening worry time. And if worries come up, I'll note them down. And then I'll, I'll, you know, really look at that and explore it.
But I don't want to walk around with this. I don't want to be with my children, trying to be focusing on them and have this, have this drama, this inner narrative going on, because that's scary for children. And it removes us just that one step or more from our children.
And they sense it. They sense that something is up. More and more children are clear, sentient like that.
They can look into our feelings. And so it's very important to be able to be with our children and not have this stressful or conflictual relationship going on. Because not only is it stressful and worrying, but now it's also starting to get between you and your, your child.
And so you're losing on all fronts. So finding a way to bracket this as best we can, I know this is not easy, but as best we can, is important. And I'm suggesting one or two or three ways is finding a sounding board, having a journal, perhaps having worry time.
And related to this is cultivating and really caring for friends and family. When you when you do this, like, calibration of friendships and relationships, and you see no, there are genuinely, if indeed, you're lucky enough to have this one or two or three people who I would consider trustworthy, who are right at my kitchen table, and cultivate them, you know, really appreciate them, give them a call, organize to go for a cup of tea with them, go for a walk with them, be with them, value them. But most of all, don't burn them out.
Don't be very careful about disclosing all that's going on to these people. That's, that's if you can, if it's possible, use your sounding board for that. These are people who you want to wrap around you like a big, warm blanket.
And I've seen situations where there's been a lot of disclosure to these people about what's going on. And it's burdensome. And they start to, if they don't, some of them will start to back off, because it's just too much for them.
And even if they stay with you, they start to relate to you as through the lens of that problem. Should you mention what's going on to them? Of course, you know, that, you know, you're not going to try and hide it. But move on, my advice would be to seriously consider not overly disclosing this and speaking about it for hours with that kind of, with those people at your kitchen table.
It's tempting to do it. And there might be, and this is the, you know, the, perhaps, just a little side note, there might be one person at your kitchen table who you choose to be your sounding board. Well, okay, I think that's edgy to do.
But it might seem like the best thing. Then, then the others, the other one or two or three people, just, you know, go easy with them and enjoy the friendship, laugh with them, do fun things. Now, this is also related in directly to finding things that you that you love and doing a little more of them.
You know, if you love walking in the woods, walking in the park, if you love reading or painting or listening quietly to some special pieces of music, or whatever it is, often in stressful relationships, those things start to fall by the wayside. Now, this may not seem like a major point, and perhaps it's not, but I've seen this really help, help someone in a relationship that is full of conflict, is to do a little more, and if at all possible, daily, a small little something that you love to do. If you love to bake, do more baking.
And if you, whatever it is that brings you, you that kind of joy will also bring you a focus. And when you're focusing in on that, it gives your nervous system a rest. And this can't be underestimated, that your nervous system needs a rest, needs a break.
And when you do that, you then are going you're in a much more natural rhythm of stress and release of stress hormones. And then those hormones can clear. And then the stress will rise up again.
And then you do something you love. It might be something physical, it could be yoga. And then it clears.
Now we know this, we know that it's keeping fit is good for us and all that. But what I'm talking about is, is, is reestablishing a healthy sense of going into high alert and letting that drop and letting those hormones clear. Otherwise, one's body starts to become wired to it and starts to expect it.
And then anxiety levels, which should rise and fall, stay at a moderate to high level. And then our health suffers enormously. Forgive me, I'm not saying anything that we all don't know.
I just want to, I couldn't help but have a reminder of that. Also, whilst we're talking about self-care, notice the rhythms in your life. What are the rhythms with you and your kids? What are your morning rhythms? If you're a stay-at-home mom or dad, what are the rhythms you have through the day? But if the children go off to school or you're going off to work, what are your rhythms at work? What happens when you come home? Just notice what are the rhythms that you have and then increase them.
Intensify them a little bit. I don't mean to obsess about them or anything. I just mean care for them.
Don't let go of them so easily. They can't always be held, of course. But if you really have and value a mealtime rhythm, for example, stick with it.
Stay with that mealtime rhythm. Even if you're a solo mom and your child is off with a father or mother, still stay with your rhythm. Don't let it all fall away.
Make your bed when you get up in the morning at the time that you do. At the other end of the day, eat your meal in the same way, in the same place. Go to bed in the same way.
Really keep with your rhythms. It's the rhythms that maintain our sense of vitality. Rhythm isn't just routine.
Chinese medical doctors, of course, call this Qi. It's maintaining a sense of inner flow of energy. It's rhythm.
It's those natural rhythms of life that feed our sense of health and vitality. That inner sense that all is well. Again, having strong rhythms when you're in stress and conflict, particularly with family members, allows your system to drain down of those stress hormones because there's predictability in it.
You know something is coming because that's the rhythm of how you get ready to go to sleep and bedtime. Then you do that. Your system, in a sense, gets tuned to this.
This is going to happen. Then it happens. That is signaling to your nervous system, all is well.
Then you have another rhythm. You picture doing it inwardly. You do it.
Your system again says, I am safe. I am well. It doesn't have to go into that survival, fight or flight mechanism so constantly.
Rhythms are another way to rest our system, but more than just rest our system, they also add to our vitality. If you can really stay with the rhythms that you have as much as possible in stress and conflict times, again, that's not so easy to do. Also, know what's within your circle of control, what's within your circle of influence, and what's within your circle of concern.
Again, we talked about this in a previous podcast, but in looking through it with this lens now, in terms of stress and worry in the family, when you're dealing with a conflict with perhaps an in-law who is doing things with your kids who you really disagree with, or a school or a teacher that's approaching a child in a way that you just don't feel as healthy, or a friendship group and other parents of those friends that you're in conflict with, or that you're very, very worried or concerned about. It might not even rise to the level of conflict, but it is a concern and it is a worry. Then understand that your circle of concern is large.
It's the size of a, metaphorically, like of a beach ball. It's large. Your circle of influence is the size of a watermelon, and your circle of control is the size of a grapefruit.
Okay. What's within your circle of control is relatively small. To know the difference between your circle of control, your circle of influence, and your circle of concern, as Stephen Covey puts it, is to be an effective human being, to be an effective person.
If there, for example, is conflict going on with an extended family member, and you really don't like the amount of screen exposure that the grandparents are allowing a child to see, perhaps think about what's within my circle of control here. That's my circle of concern. What can I actually control? Now, some parents answer to that as being somewhat radical, and they have said, you know what, I'm going to take a financial hit.
I'm going to work less hours, and I'm not going to rely on the children's grandparent to do aftercare, to babysit the kids and be with them every afternoon. Or I'm going to, that was one parent actually did that. Another parent organized their flexible work life actually, and did some take-home work, and took a hit really, and stayed up for that extra hour or two at night after the children were in bed, laid into the night, didn't get to sleep much before midnight, which was tough.
But when I spoke to her about that decision, because she said, that is within my circle of control. I cannot rely on my in-laws who are doing these things for my kids that I simply don't like, and it's damaging them. They're behaving badly because of it.
I am going to, these two hours that I take off work, that I then build on to the end of my day, are so much worth it, because I'm not continually in stress, and the children are a lot happier. But boy, that's a lucky mom who can, first of all, be able to do that, but it's also, that's courage right there. Now, to wrap up, the overarching piece that I would suggest is this practice of the compassionate response meditation.
I don't mean in any way to be just talking about my own work and books, but in the book, Being At Your Best When Your Kids Are At Their Worst, there is a really good description and a deeper dive into how to be better emotionally self-regulated. And at the core of that is something called the compassionate response practice. And parents who are going through stressful times, who practice this compassionate response, there's a strong pattern of feedback of how that's helped them self-regulate.
How, and the practice, as many of you might know, is being able to integrate your worries, and it gives specific help, it's a couple of minutes a day, of how to bring in and integrate your worries, concerns, feelings of anger, disappointment, and how to give more space to your knowledge, really, that you're a good parent, you're a good mom, you're a good dad, you do perfectly well most of the time. Because in stress and conflict, that tends to shrink, we tend to, that gets compacted, and we forget what a beautiful, loving, caring parent we can be. And what the compassionate response practice does, is that it offers us a way to maintain equilibrium.
We get told this all the time, oh, you've got to sort of, you keep your cool, and I get it, but how? And the compassionate response practice, I want to say will do this, and I don't say many things, absolutely, but this will, forgive me, but it will help you maintain that equilibrium that you so badly need at a time of family conflict. And it will then, of course, help your child co-regulate with you, because they can sense things are going on. Now, what we'll do in a subsequent podcast, is that we'll begin to look at what we can do for our child, questions about how much do you tell them? How much should they be involved in this? You know, all sorts of questions come up about how do we actually care for a child in a really, now, having secured ourselves, how do we help them when their mom and dad are in conflict, their dad and a dear, you know, a much trusted sports coach, or in-laws, or uncle, or teacher at school? How do we help a child? Today, we've focused on our own self-care, and in our subsequent podcast, we'll focus on caring for our child.
And again, in closing, I want to really emphasize the compassionate response practice, because all these other things that I mentioned, the five or six other things I mentioned today, will all be deepened and potentized in a way. They'll be more powerful if you're coming from a place of regulation within yourself. Okay, probably one of the longest podcasts that we've done, but such a big subject.
And again, in closing, I want to emphasize, this doesn't cover all the bases. There's all kinds of nuances and layers associated with this. And if you are experiencing conflict and difficulty with people close to your family, you know, my thoughts go out to you, but I sure hope this was helpful.
Okay, bye-bye for now.
