Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John-Payne. Lately, I've been talking to a couple of people about the power of preview. And it came up in one particular conversation where a family were actually moving right across the country.
And we were talking about how can we make this as stable as possible for the children. And we spoke particularly about this predictability and preview. And in that conversation, we talked about how rhythm becomes very difficult when you're undergoing a big life change, for example, in this case.
But sometimes rhythm can be difficult because you're going through a patch of life where it's really proving very difficult. And at other times, rhythm is fine, but the kids are still not doing so well. They're actually going through a difficult patch.
And in which case, preview and predictability comes to the rescue again. Now, let me describe a little bit about what I mean by preview and predictability. I know it's fairly self-explanatory, but here's how it applies specifically in terms of our kids.
When we preview for our kids, when we say to them, you know what, in an evening perhaps, you know what, tomorrow, mama can't pick you up. I'm voicing this for a little one. You know, mama won't be picking you up after kindergarten tomorrow.
Joshua's mummy will be picking you up and she'll come right to the door. That's right. She'll come right to that big wooden door and she'll wait there and you'll see her.
And then you'll, that's right, you'll walk out past all the playground equipment. And yes, yes, I'm sure she'd let you have a swing. And then, but you'll pop into her car and go back to her house and you probably will be having some playtime there.
You'll have a snack and then playtime. And then after playtime, I'll be driving right up and I'll collect you and we'll come home and make supper. Yes, I think that's right.
It's Wednesday. It's soup day. No, soup day is a nice day, dear.
You know, you see how it goes. What I'm suggesting is that when we do this for a child, when there's an interruption to their normal rhythm and we preview with a child in an evening and we're not laboring the point, but we preview with them, then they can rest easier. And what happens is that it doesn't take them by surprise the next day.
But very importantly, what happens is that it moves them into their limbic system of their brain. And when you move a child into the limbic system, you do that via not only by via previewing, but by making the preview pictorial. Now, this is very important that the preview that you give a child is not cerebral.
Imagine the same conversation if I said something like this as a little one, kindergarten age child's daddy. And I said, so tomorrow I won't be there to pick you up. You'll go with another mother and she will take you back to the house.
Yes, that'll probably be around 2.15 and I'll pick you up at 4.15 and I'll bring you home. You know, it's that for a child is just ringing a little one, any child really, is just ringing alarm bells. That doesn't make a child feel safe at all.
It makes them feel unsafe. And that takes them into their amygdala, into their fight or flight part of their brain. I'm suggesting that when we preview pictorially, then what we do is that we give a child a heads up on what's going to happen.
We bring them via the picture of the next day, not via a very analytical sort of calendar oriented conversation, but a very brief. I think honestly this should be no more than 30 seconds, certainly under a minute. They might have a few little questions and that's all good.
But again, answer them as much as possible pictorially with pictures about what things will smell like, what they'll taste like, what they'll likely see. You know, you recall I mentioned that the mama was going to come to the big wooden door and then she was going past the swings and the play set. And then they were going to have snack.
And then, you see, all this is pictorial. It's not theoretical at all. And then we would come home and it would be soup day.
So what this is doing is saying to a child, here is a picture and then the next day it comes true. There's the picture and it comes true. When a child goes through a series of situations where a parent previews and then the picture comes true, you do that enough times for a child.
And as the weeks and months roll on, the child has this feeling of safety, of de-stressing. And most of all, a child senses that an adult is a safe place to connect to. I can attach to this adult because that is a safe harbour.
That is someone who gives me a picture and that picture comes true. Now, this is as true for a teenager as it is for little children. I have two teenagers of our own now at home, a 15 and 18 year old.
And we still continue to do this. We have a picture of what is coming up, particularly if it's a difficult, if it's some exam that's coming up or a patch where there's a lot of running around to do because of sports clubs. And it's a really busy patch that we're looking forward to because it's the state finals or whatever.
Actually, I'm not making this up. This did happen a little while ago. And we really plotted it out pictorially in a way that was voiced so the kids didn't feel it was condescending.
But we really looked at it and I could see both my teenagers relax. Because for years they've known that when we do these previews, when we make life predictable like this, it comes true to a greater extent. I mean, of course, there are little bits and pieces that might not work out.
But then you review and if some bits and pieces didn't work out, you note that. And again, the child is saying or the teenager is saying, you know what? My parents are onto this. They're with me.
They're safe. I can attach and continue to attach to them. Last point about previewing is that I've already mentioned that when you've got a rocky patch coming up, you might preview.
I've already mentioned that when you've got a disruption of family rhythms, you might preview. Thirdly, that when children are going through difficult patches themselves inwardly, then step up, really consider stepping up the previewing. And then I mentioned previewing pictorially.
The last thing I want to mention is preview practically. Don't make it theoretical. Really try and avoid a theoretical thesis.
Make it as practical and as brief as possible so that it's not a bunch of thinking. It's more in the feeling and willing. It's more in the feeling life of pictures and in the practical life of, so this is what it'll mean.
It'll mean this. It'll mean this. It'll mean this.
The mum is not going to be there at the door, that big wooden door. It's going to mean that you go back to Jacob's house. It means that I'll be picking you up later.
And it means we'll come home for soup day. Very matter of fact, very practical. And in that way, when it anchors a child in the practical, it grounds them.
They can sleep, they can rest, and they can kind of fall back into the arms of your attachment and of your bonding as a parent and a child. I sure hope that's helpful because it's a big point and it's a lovely thing to do and that you can almost cultivate as you do it more and more. You develop a way of speaking that previews and brings predictability that is very much your language and very much your family practice.
And the feeling that moves between you and a child when you do this is really, it's very ordinary and very beautiful. Okay, I hope that's helpful. Bye bye for now.