Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim-John Payne. This week we're going to be looking at this sore point of parenting when we feel like we're being pushed by our kids, when they're demanding and they want a now response. And we get that feeling of just being forced in a direction to make a decision quickly that we just need some more time and we need a whole alternative to how do we deal when our kids come on, you know, this strongly.
To begin with, you know, it might be helpful to almost imagine that you're lifting off the roof of your house, right? Imagine if you're going up to that sort of sitting up above your house, so now there's no roof, you dissolve that away, you're thinking, and you see yourself from above and your child is demanding an answer from you. There's a lot of movement in the house, there's things going on, there's this feeling of your child or children coming at you where you're just being bombarded, really. And there's so much to do.
And there's just this elevated nerves and anxiousness that many parents feel when there's just too much going on too soon. And a really big part of that is feeling pushed to make one decision after another, after another. This child asks this and this child wants that and then another child is saying that they're calling out from upstairs and you've got to run up there.
And it's just a scene of too much activity, too many demands. And that feeling of, I am, I'm drowning, I'm not waving, I'm going under, this is just too much, get me out of here. Well, what are some alternatives? One of the ways to calm things down is to begin with just not responding to kids' demands when they make them.
To actually hit the pause button and to coach kids to allow you the time to be able to consider things, to be able to just, they can ask, sure, but you don't respond to making a decision on the spot. And here's a couple of ways that can help with this. First of all, when a child makes a request of you, listen, just say, okay, I'm listening.
Let me know what you want to do. Okay, so you, whatever it is, just for that 10, 15, 20 seconds, try to just be very, very present. There might be, if you have other children, there might be things going on.
But for that period of time, really focus in on what your child is requesting. Because if we don't, they will pursue us, right? If we only half listen, that is the beginning point of having our child nag and nag and nag. And when I've traced back with many parents over the years, where does that kind of nagging and whinging begin? It's often begins at a, where they've said something and we've had split attention and we haven't paid attention to them.
Therefore, in a certain sense, a child is right to pursue us, right? It's understandable at the very least that they would, you know, trail along behind us repeating something over and over and over because they want it to be heard. So if you don't want that, what parent does, give them 10 seconds of undivided attention. No matter what's happening, just give them that attention.
And if other children come up and want you and are calling, just keep focused. You only have to do this for a couple of weeks and shift that kind of being pulled and pushed around. And most parents actually give the feedback that when they focus in on one child, and the other kids, you know, are used to being able to pull and push you around in terms of your attention.
After a relatively short period of time, the kids get the idea that when you're listening to one other child, you will not be pulled away. There's just no mileage in nagging at you and trying to compete for attention because, and just simply hold up a hand and, you know, in that classic stop, just stop, hold the hand up to the other child who's talking and just focus in. You might turn to the other child who's trying to interrupt you and just say, I'm listening to your brother right now.
Only for a very short period of time, I want to hear what he has to say. And just, and then turn back and put your hand up and be very doggedly determined to not respond to the other child who's trying to compete for attention. So that's step one, is to give that very short but focused attention to a child.
The next step is obvious, right? Just paraphrase back to the child what they've said. You know, just say to your daughter or son, okay, so what you're asking is for us to go out and blow up the inflatable, the little inflatable swimming pool and because you're hot. Okay.
So that would be a lovely thing to have the pool blown up because you're hot. Okay. Okay.
Did I hear you right? And just to paraphrase, when you paraphrase for a child like that, they really, they love it actually, don't they? Because they know that you're hearing them and it's not some fake thing. You really do mean it. Then give, say to the child, this is the third step.
There's not really many, there's only four, but to say to a child, good, I'm just going to finish tidying up the lounge room and then I'll come right out and do that. Or, I'm going to just finish collecting up all the recycling and then I'll come and do that. Or, oh good, well, after lunch, that is the time.
We've got lunch right now, but after lunch, we'll go right out and do that. My point here is to hit the pause button, is to coach children to understand that when they make a request, then you're going to do it on your own time. You're going to do it when it fits, not dash off and half blow up the swimming pool and then dash back inside because another child's frustrated because of this or that.
That there's a new sheriff in town and that you are going to help them with the pool, but it's going to be when you're ready. And that is just implacably that. There is no change to it.
You can tell a child, when I'm finished doing this, and it's genuine because you are halfway through clearing up the recycling and putting it out. And in this way, you don't end up with a whole handful of half finished jobs all scattered around the house with you feeling just kind of crazy. It's no, I'm going to do for you what you want me to do and I know what it is and I won't forget it, but I'm finishing this first.
You could turn to a child and say, you know, you can help me with this recycling now. And that means we'll get to the swimming pool just that little bit sooner. That's also another possibility to actually recruit the child into what you're doing, if appropriate, so that they, in a sense, help.
They offer help and then you offer them help in return with their swimming pool or whatever it is. Now the fourth and last step is if they're really just going for it and demanding that you give them a now answer or that you do this now and they're being pretty strong. Some kids will do this initially because they're not used to it.
They're not used to having to wait. But if they do, let them know that you can give them a now answer, N-O-W, but it will be minus the W. It will be no. It genuinely will be no.
Any now answer is now, is minus the W, always. And if a child's too little and don't know their letters yet, just say, when you want things now, that will be no. And you don't have to, you know, deal with the letters, just say to them, I can give you an answer if you want it now, but it will be no.
If you wait until I finish the recycling, then I'll give you my answer. And it might be maybe, yes, or it could be no, but it could be yes. But it has to wait until Daddy has finished what he's doing.
It doesn't take long for kids to really get this. And what it's doing is it's really modeling impulse control. If we want our kids to have a good impulse control, which is crucial to their success in future years, crucial to friendships now, school life, but particularly down the track.
I mean, a lot of research into that, hasn't there, about how kids with good impulse control do well in their lives in general, both now and into the future. If we want our kids to have good impulse control, well, firstly, we've got to have them learn to wait, but we also have to model it ourselves. So we're not giving in to demands right in that moment.
That we also model that we're going to think about it, that we're going to finish what we're doing, and then we'll respond, or then we'll help. Okay, I sure hope this strategy of being able to deal with now demands has been helpful. Sure has to a lot of parents, and I hope it is for you too.
Okay, bye bye now.
