Hello, welcome back to The Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne, and this four-part series on the four kinds of love. You may remember in the previous and opening part, we talked about the first kind of love, and that of eros, and how to talk to teenagers, to your kids about these four kinds of love, offering a real pathway into how to turn the conversation from just sexuality, and when to do it, and when to enter into sexual relationships, into love, and what the four kinds of love are, and I've spoken to countless numbers of kids over the years, and this seems to really strike a chord, and gets us out of that judgmental into the nonjudgmental, and more importantly, into the conversational. So, as you know, I'm reading from my book, The Soul of Discipline, on page 196 today, taking the unusual step of just reading from the book and giving a little bit of commentary, as that seems to sort of nail it, really.
I read back through this and thought, yeah, that would be good to share. So, here we are in the second part, and this is called philae or philos, depends which pronunciation you go with. So, I'll dive into the text.
The second level of love is based on friendship. Aristotle defined it in two ways. First, as a friendship based on mutual benefit, a cobbler and the person who buys from him.
And second, as a connection based on shared interests or hobbies. Teens have no problem understanding this kind of relationship, since it's a big part of their daily lives. They may become convinced that if they've found someone who is into the same things that they are, music, sports, clothes, and to whom they have a strong physical attraction, it's okay to plunge into a sexual relationship.
Your teen may feel that he knows the person he is attracted to, and that he is not jumping into bed with just someone because he is hot. If your teen expresses this, let him know that you respect his perspective or her perspective, and are glad he is so familiar with the two of the four levels of love. However, a teen should not see being in love on two levels as a green light for sexual relationship.
Here are three reasons why. Reason number one. What happens when a teen's tastes change? People jump into long-term relationships and even marriages based on great sex and mutual interests.
The dilemma? As one partner grows and matures, his or her interests can change. When that happens, the person may either break away and hurt his or her partner, or stay in the relationship but feel restricted or imprisoned. The chances that two such people could grow together from such a young age are very slim.
Reason number two. It can get boring. No matter how much two people like the same bands or sports teams or movies, a relationship based on common interest is two-dimensional and can quickly become unsatisfying.
For example, if you're speaking with a 17-year-old daughter who is about to go away for a weekend with a best friend, who you can see might be becoming more, you might say, it's great that you and Anna are totally into the same music, and I think the festival is going to be a lot of fun. But you spoke last week about how being with her can feel a bit restrictive, since the only thing you seem to have in common is that one band. Can you help me understand what you meant? Reason number three.
Relationships can get rocky. That's normal. However, relationships based solely on eros, sexual attraction, and phyla, common interest, often don't survive through rough patches because the bonds that hold the couple together are not robust enough to handle emotional turmoil.
Here's what often happens. Two teens get involved with each other because they share a strong physical attraction and have mutual interests. Sooner or later, one person gets bored and feels constrained or criticized.
He or she breaks it off and looks for someone who is a better match as a lover or a friend. But without a greater context onto which to base a relationship, history is likely to repeat itself. This dynamic leads to a lot of hurt and disillusionment, and it's certainly not how any wants to live his or her life.
But what if you were wondering, why is this inevitable? And even if it is, why is it such a terrible pattern? I certainly had a high school boyfriend with whom I broke up, and while it was a horrible time, I now look back on that with fondness. Isn't that a normal part of development? You might be saying that to yourself. The answer for this, that many teens will be open to this if you are not suggesting your teen live life avoiding being uncomfortable, as being uncomfortable can often be an essential part of learning.
The important thing here is to not keep repeating the same pattern over and over, and being hurt in the same way. The main lesson injury and pain teaches us on a physical and emotional level that we need to do something different and approach things in different ways. So in other words, not getting caught up in a cycle of attraction, friendship, moving into an intimate or sexual relationship, and then when the relationship changes, as interests change, then being badly hurt by the breakup of the relationship, and then beginning that pattern all over again.
That's just painful, and it's important that we give our teens a heads up on that, because they can see that we're being objective, hopefully a little bit wise, and again, not judging them. Friends with benefits, quote. But hang on, what about friends with benefits, unquote, your teen asks.
In this kind of relationship, friends seek sexual pleasure with no strings attached. For teens, this is often limited to oral sex, but can involve intercourse as well. It may not be easy for a parent to talk to a teen about this topic, but friends with benefits is a widespread social phenomena and needs to be addressed with care.
In mixed gender relationships, it's often the girl who gives out the most benefits. And while it may sound like no one's going to get hurt with this kind of sexual attitude, both parties have to keep their emotional barriers up and their expectations low. When discussing this sensitively with your teen, point out that sex and love are not supposed to be detached, and friends with benefits relationship is like having sex with both partners in body armor.
A clumsy undertaking, no doubt, and certainly a bizarre image, yet teens engage in such relationships often. What happens if a teen enters into this kind of disassociated sexual relationship and then finds he or she wants to be more genuinely affectionate in that connection? The person the teen wants to connect with may not emerge from behind his or her barrier and reciprocate. It's critical for teens to realize the beginnings are important.
They set a tone and a direction of a relationship, so if a teen suspects he might like to take a friendship deeper, putting on his friends with benefits armor and having sex is not the best approach to building a healthy relationship. Sure, teens have deep waves of awakening, but something to remember when we speak to our kids about this delicate subject is that more and more teens are becoming savvy to personal boundaries and not allowing themselves to be drawn into this kind of relationship. Take care to give your kid credit for being at least somewhat aware of this issue and give him or her the space to express it.
So there's the second part of this four kinds of love and some hints and tips about how to talk to your teenager about these four layers of love. Okay, thanks. Bye-bye.
