Hello, welcome back to the Synthicity Diaries with me, Kim-John Payne. This week I was talking to a group of parents of tween and teenagers and of course the conversation doesn't usually fail to cover the whole area of the emerging sexuality of young people and how to really go about addressing this question of sexual relationships. When is the sort of the time is right to really enter into a sexual relationship with another person if you're 15, 16, 17, 18, even 19 years old and so on and beyond.
How do you talk to kids about this and what I'll do in this particular Synthicity Diary is just cover the first part of this. I'll break it into four parts because I'll do something a little bit more little unusual for the diaries is that I'll read from my book The Soul of Discipline because I you know when I turn back to the book and I must confess I haven't opened it in a few months you know and I I look back I thought you know that seems to encapsulate much of what I'm trying to say with this so I'll read the first part in this diary entry and then we'll come to the to the second part in a follow-up entry. So just bear with me while I read through this and it's on page, those of you have The Soul of Discipline book in the hardback edition it's on page 194.
It starts with the title with subtitle sexual relationships and the parental response. Particularly at this stage of a teen's life questions about sexual relationships surface. You only have to thumb through a magazine in a doctor's waiting room to see highly suggestive suggestive sexualized photographs of teenagers.
Teens constantly see and hear the message that to be sexual is to be desired and accepted. It's hard to counter this message but not impossible. I've spoken to countless young people individually and in small groups and as entire high school bodies about the dilemma of whether or not to become sexually active with a partner.
The key to helping a teen navigate this issue is to pivot away from the question of sexual activity and towards the striving for loving relationships. The average age of first sexual intercourse for an American is 17 and the question on many young people's minds is should we do it? When you first shift the discussion from sex to an exploration of different types of love you're not avoiding the issue that of sexuality but actually giving it context. In his book The Four Loves C.S. Lewis provides helpful insight for teens navigating the cross-currents of sexuality and what I'll read below are framed in four layers in terms of the meaning that this has in the life of teens.
Four kinds of love. When you speak to your children or teens about the complex and confusing topics like sexuality and sexual relationships let them know that there are important layers to consider, that thinking about them has helped you and that there is a way to figure all this out. Choose a moment when the time is right to share points of view.
They need to know that that from the get-go that you do not expect them to agree with everything you say nor do you claim to be right. There are many ways up the mountain and a good guide knows it. Let them know that these issues are important to you and that you want to know what they think.
When you guide the conversation you almost certainly need to adapt what is laid out here and put it in your own words and your own voice. Because your teen is older now you'll be able to share a little more of your own biography relationship and history without embarrassing her or him. But you know take care not to over disclose.
Your aim is to help your teen better understand her or his relationship with another person and what it's based on. With a broader perspective she can make an informed decision and avoid unnecessary pain and confusion. Eros.
This is the first layer. This is the first and the most earthly kind of love. As is the case with all the four types this description is based on the wisdom of the ancient Greek thinkers and philosophers.
Eros was one of the four gods who gave shape to the world. The other three were chaos, darkness and abyss. Eros was the child of the night and came to embody sensual desire, fertility and ecstasy.
In ancient Roman times he was called Cupid and carried a bow and arrow. Once you were shot by his arrow you became blinded by love for another person. When you talk to your teen about this kind of love point out that Eros is the root word of erotic.
In erotic love you have a strong physical attraction to another person that can't easily be explained. Something within you is deeply moved. You may feel personal boundaries fall away and your normal relationship shifts.
Tell your teen that while it's normal to have such intense feelings, becoming involved in sexual relationship based solely on erotic attraction, because the person is hot, is problematic. First, erotic love is blind. Once stung, you might overlook important aspects of a person's character.
The object of your love may be good and kind, but he or she may also be cruel, manipulative and uncaring. When you are consumed by this kind of love, your personal defenses evaporate and you expose your most intimate self, both physically and emotionally. It's dangerous to do this if you know little about the other person and what motivates him or her.
You may also be disrespecting yourself. Being true to yourself involves finding out who the other person really is and what he or she will bring to your life in more than just a physical way. It's extremely hard to hold back when erotic feelings and desires motivate you.
Your teen may wonder, can this kind of love be wrong when it's so intense? The answer is no. The experience is completely natural, but if a teen bases a serious relationship on Eros alone, he or she is likely to end up deeply disappointed when the initial high wears off. So that's the first in these four small readings from the Soul of Discipline book.
And just in closing, a brief word now, you know, leaving the text of the book, is that it's really understandable that kids are really attracted to others and think they're hot, as I mentioned, because the media just portrays this kind of love as what you do. If you see a music video, you know, boy meets girl or whatever it is, you know, two people meet each other and they have a real attraction. And within, you know, by the time that the music video gets, you know, a few stanzas in, a few bars in, they're kind of being very suggestive, taking off clothes, and you see physical attraction leading immediately to boundaries being, you know, let go of.
And that's kind of weird. I mean, it's just weird. But my main point when I talk to teens about this, to my own teenage kids too, is that being true to oneself is what it's all about.
And that message is super important to teenagers, being true to yourself, and not being manipulated by media portrayals of, well, if someone's hot, if someone's acute, if, you know, if, if they're that feeling that's there, then go for it, because that's what the media keep, and music videos and all sorts of other, other messages that come to kids is all about. And that is not being true to yourself. It's being manipulated and pushed around by the media.
So Eros is the first of four layers of love. And I'll be talking a little more about the other three in the audio files of Simplicity Diary to come. Okay, thanks very much.
Bye bye.
