Welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. You know, sometimes it's the more obvious things that can hide themselves in plain sight, I guess. And I've been thinking just this week about about children who are really struggling with their behavior.
And this came up for me when I was in a park just a couple of days ago, and I was watching a child really struggling. He was not happy, he was antsy, and he wasn't completely melting down, but things weren't going well for him. And over and over he was getting cross and getting angry, and his mother, initially he was trying to help him, was trying to stay calm.
And I really admired what she was trying to do in the face of the child pushing her away, and no, that wasn't right. And, you know, it was a scene that many, if not all of us, have been through. And I could see the mother, you know, increasingly getting frustrated with the child, and that then led to an escalation.
And in the end, the mother, you know, quite sort of firmly, even forcefully, took the child's hand. I guess the little boy was about four years old or so, and just marched him right out of that park, really telling him how unacceptable this was and such. And my heart went out to both of them, actually.
And, you know, the thought that occurred to me when they walked right by me, and I saw the look on the little boy's face, and I saw his posture, is, you know what, this is this is worse for him. This is worse for him than anyone else. It's worse for him than if he had had siblings present, a mom, or if a dad is involved.
It's actually no child likes to be in that position. They don't want to be angry. They don't want to be defiant.
They don't want to be unhappy. And they're sure not planning it, particularly when they're in that sort of state. It's not something that they're doing deliberately.
They haven't woken up in the morning thinking, hmm, I wonder how I can be uncomfortable and frustrated today. You know, it's just not like that. And yet, and of course, we all know that.
But it sometimes seems when a child is defiant and pushing back, that our feelings of frustration can get in front of our eyes and be, and somehow mask the fact that actually, it's, it's the child who is suffering most. They don't want to be like it. They don't like being in that position.
They just don't want to be there. And if I can hang on to that thought, you know, when my child is pushing and pushing my buttons and being sullen or, or angry, if I can hold on to that, that it's actually worse for them than it is for me, then maybe there's a little narrow bridge built out of me taking it personally, me putting my frustrations ahead of, of really being able to understand that, that actually, the child is significantly more uncomfortable than I am, because after all, it's the child, the tweenager, the teenager, who is feeling the, the effects of this firsthand. We're just, we're just suffering it secondhand.
It's almost like, you know, directly, the metaphor perhaps is directly smoking a cigarette. It, it, it, it affects the, the smokers lungs and health more than it does us, even though it does affect us because there's secondary smoking, but the damage, the greater damage is being done firsthand. And, you know, I'm not suggesting that the frustration doesn't affect us and the anger and, and the, and the sort of really difficult mood, of course it affects us.
But in those moments, if, if we can hang on to the simple truth, that, that emotion is actually way more worse, way, way, way, way worse for the child than it is for us, then, then something shifts in our, perhaps understanding even might go so far as compassion. Not sure really, but, but what I am sure of is that when I have remembered that in my own parenting, it, it, it offers me a whole different perspective of what's going on in this situation and might even bring out words like, well, gosh, I can see that you're really upset by that, or, you know, that's no way to speak to me, but this seems really hard for you. It's, it's recognizing that it's harder for a child.
In some ways, I think it builds this connection that, that a child sees that we understand that it's really hard for them, that we're not getting lost as a parent in our own emotional world and in our own frustrations and in our own wish to move on and, and how dare a child speak or defy me like that. And we're getting, we're kind of getting caught up in our own stuff. Understanding that it's worse for a child connects us to the child right at the moment when they need that connection.
That's when they need it most when they are disoriented and, and really suffering. And this simple little understanding that it's worse for the child can signal to a child, okay, I'm connected. I am not having to push harder.
I'm not having to get more outrageous to get my parent, my mom and my dad's, or teacher even. I'm not pushing, I don't have to push so hard to get the adult's attention. I don't need to be so outrageous.
I'm feeling raw. I'm feeling terrible. And there's someone in the world that's just recognized that by just simply saying things like, like I said, you know, you know, that is not okay to speak like that.
But I can see that it's really hard for you. I can see that it feels awful for you right now. Being able to speak to a child in that way, frankly, is the beginning point of, of, of de-escalation.
And it's kind of our job as a, as an adult. And this is one way that I see we can do that is simply by understanding that it's worse for them. Hope that helps.
That's this week's Simplicity Diary. Okay, bye-bye for now.
