Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries and this Simplicity Parenting podcast with me, Kim John Payne. You know, this week, as promised, I wanted to cover this alternative to consequences. You remember last week we talked about, I talked about this whole principle of the problem with behavior modification and consequences, but there's got to be something to put in its place, right? And that's what we'll be focusing on in this podcast.
Essentially, what I'm talking about here is rather than giving consequences, shifting the whole frame to cooperation. Now, let me start this exploration of cooperating within a family to say that every family basically needs kids, parents to cooperate with each other just to get through the day, just to get out the door in the morning requires us to cooperate with each other. There's a level of that kind of activity that is just needed to function as a family.
And you know, the way this sort of boils down for me is that I often hear parents, good parents say that, you know, really good folk saying one way or another, we have a child-centered home. And I get it. I get what they mean by that.
But I actually have got to say, I don't really believe in child-centered homes. I see this much more as a value-centered home rather than a child-centered home. A child really should not be in the center of a family occupying that central space.
Otherwise, the danger there is they become like petty tyrants, occupying the central space in a family. What belongs in the central place in that family are the values. And out of those values can come primarily cooperation, that there's a real value on us being, I think of this as the two Cs, considerate and cooperative, that that is a really high value.
And we build that up over the years in developmentally appropriate ways. But being considerate and cooperating with each other, that is right there is a core value to any family. I can't think of a family I've ever met that wouldn't say those two qualities are something that we really need to instill in kids.
But frankly, we just need to get through the day in good shape. Now, how does that all relate to the alternative to giving consequences? And here's where I'm going with this, is that when a child does something that is just uncooperative, you know, they're over the other side of the playground, brother and sister, and you call them over, and they just simply don't come. They don't come.
They're going to come when they're well and truly ready, and when they're on their terms. And you're sitting there on the park bench thinking, man, I've got to do all these things. I've got to get home, I've got to get to the grocery store, the refrigerator in the cupboard is empty.
And then I have to get supper on, and I've got a late meeting that I've got to attend. And you're running the catalogue of things that you've got to do, and your kids are just not cooperating with you. Well, you know, that in some ways is, well, in every way, is really moving away from a core value of what it is that you hold dear in your family.
And so what I'm suggesting is that when the kids eventually come back, and this is, you know, in the early stages, if you choose to implement something like this, you talk to them about cooperation. You talk to them about being considerate, and how very inconsiderate that was that they did that, and that as a result of that, you are withdrawing your cooperation, that they need to understand that the way, and this is for older kids, particularly like 9, 10, 11, 12 year olds, is to say to them, you know, in essence, look, I'm not being weird as a parent here. It's the way the world works.
It's just if you, you know, growing up, and you get your first job, and you're working busing tables, or whatever it is that you're doing in a, maybe a cafe, or whatever job that you might be lucky enough to get as a kid, you know, as a teenager. And you don't cooperate with your co-workers, people who are working with you, they'll quickly back off you, and they won't help. You'll be on your own.
But if you don't cooperate with the boss, you just get fired. And to look at a child and say, sweetheart, this is not me being weird. This is how the world works, and it's my job to coach you up, so that you work well in the world, so that you can get by.
And expecting me to cooperate with you after you've just, you know, been incredibly uncooperative would just be the wrong thing to do. It just wouldn't be right, because you can't, you can't behave like that, and then have me drive you here, and do this for you, and do that for you. That's just, that's not real.
It's just not the way I'm going to respond to you anymore. Now you could say, okay, hang on a minute, what about, what about this withdrawal of cooperation? Does that mean you don't do special things together, like have stories, and have special times? No, no, no, not at all. Those are the connective tissue of family life.
But what I am suggesting is the next day, when a child is trying to get out the door for school, and trying to get to the bus, or whatever it is they're doing, or they've lost some of their materials to do their homework, whatever it is, and they're saying, mom, where's my sweater? You know, where's my jumper? What's, where's, and you say, I'm sorry, sweetheart, I'm not going to, I'm not cooperating. I am not going to dash about the house, trying to find the sweater where you last dropped it. Not going to happen.
Not cooperating. And the child will look at you like, what do you mean? You know, you're my unpaid servant, you know, come on, off you go. And it's like, no, or, for example, if a child has a play date they particularly want to go to the next day, I'm sorry, sweetheart, I'm not cooperating.
I'm not, I am not going to drive you there. And that's the only way it's going to happen. And I'm not picking you up.
You did not come back yesterday, when we're in the park. I called you, you didn't come back. And as a result of that, I was late for my meeting.
The shopping trip was frantic. I can't cooperate with you in this way. Now, you know, you've got to be careful with this withdrawing of cooperation, because it has to be within your sphere of influence.
You might remember Stephen Covey's book that was The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Very, very interesting book. And he talked about our sphere of concern, and our sphere of influence or control.
So it's very important to have the things where we withdraw cooperation, be things within our control. Transportation is one big one. I gave another funny little example about finding lost stuff, or, you know, a child doesn't have something they desperately need.
And usually you'd jump in the car and you'd go down and you'd get them the materials they need for their homework or whatever. And no, you're not doing it this time. Just you're withdrawing cooperation.
Usually it has to go on for at least two to three days. And you can't weaken, you know, it's like, well, okay, you know, it's not that you're being mean. It's you're showing a child what it's like to live in a family where there's not cooperation.
And you're giving them, I think, a very valuable life lesson. I think you also, as this matures a little bit, you need to also, what we need to do is give our kids a little bit of a heads up. Because after you do this once or twice, they'll start attuning to it.
They really will, you know, and it is a good idea to say to a child, to give them a little bit of a heads up, a little bit of a reminder, and say to them, hey, hey, hey, that's not being cooperative with your brother. That is not considerate. That's kind of mean, the way you said that.
And that's not cooperating. Now you really better change your tone here, okay? You need to change your tone right now. Now you've used the word cooperation and it's code because unless that tone changes, unless your son or daughter shows consideration, shows cooperation, then you're going to withdraw your cooperation.
And they really quickly get to know how this all works. Now you could say, hang on, isn't that behavior modification? And it's not, not even vaguely, because what you're doing is that you're basing this all around your values as a family. You're not basing it around stuff that they can get and stuff that they will have removed from them.
It's about the values that you hold really dear in your family. And that is the real difference between the two. Now all in all, this really having a basis over and over of consideration and cooperation, you can talk to your kids a lot about that and that's great.
And I think it's worth catching your kids being considerate and catching your kids cooperating. So when they are in that zone, to say to a little boy or a girl, hey Miguel or hey Michelle, that was really considerate, thank you. You helped there without even being asked.
Or the way you helped your little brother up those big steps then without even being asked to, it was really nice sweetheart, that was great. That is just what I mean by being considerate, good for you. It's important to catch our kids being considerate and being cooperative.
And in that way you build up the muscle when they're in good shape. And you also are able to bring them back when they're not showing those values. And what it does, and maybe this is the final piece that I wanted to bring on this today, is that it's not just vaguely talking about our family values.
These are children, little kids, and they need real living examples of that. So by affirming them when they are considerate, just simply, not overdoing it, but affirming them when they are cooperative, and being able to say to them, you know, we're going to have a little bit of a longer story tonight because I really, that was lovely you did that today. In other words, you're saying, I feel like I really want to cooperate, consider, be with you more because of that.
And then also withdrawing your cooperation and showing them what that is actually like. You see, what this does is it makes it real. And it doesn't just have this vague sense of our family values.
It brings it right down into the practical. And if you raise your kids this way, first of all, it gets you right out of the consequence stuff and consequence immunity and consequence calluses, and where kids do this cost-benefit analysis and all the other stuff. But most importantly, what this does is that it gives our values a day-to-day, almost like a drip feeding of what it is that we really hold dear in our home.
Okay. I genuinely hope that this is helpful. It's been a very transformative way of being within many families who have shifted from consequences to consideration and cooperation.
And I hope that this may fit within your home and also answer some of the questions that you might have about alternatives to consequences. All right. Bye-bye for now.
