Hello, and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me again, John Payne. I've been thinking this week about kids' quirks, you know. It's what makes them lovable and kind of infuriating sometimes as well.
But they've all got their quirks. We know them well, right? You know, they can be a brother and a sister, and it is totally different quirks. Even twins, you know.
And there they are, two kids. They're twins, but their quirks are just utterly different. And, of course, the quirk is like a, is something that is just so defined to what a child is trying to do, the way they react to things, the way they are with their friends, the way they can follow our directions or not.
We get to know our quirks really, their quirks really well. And, of course, we've got, of course, quirks ourselves. But, you know, one of the images, for those of you who've read my book, The Soul of Discipline, will perhaps remember, is that I talk about, I give this metaphor about the statue of David, Michelangelo's David.
Now, bear with me, because this, I think, does have a strong relevance to kids' quirks. Is that in The Soul of Discipline book, you know, I talk about how when people asked Michelangelo, how did he carve the statue of David? It's just so magnificent. And his answer was, I didn't carve the statue of David.
I took away that which was not of David. In other words, he had this image in the marble of what this should be like, what this should look like. And then he worked over, you know, long months and years to reveal what that image was.
And the reason I use that as a metaphor is I often feel that we all have an image of what we want our family to be like. And then over the months and years, just like Michelangelo, actually, we take away that which is not of family. You know, words that a child might bring back from school, which are just not okay.
You know, the child might bring back the word stupid or whatever it is. You know, some word, some way of being, some body language. And we just say, no, no, no, no, no.
We try hard not to do that in our family. Others, other families, other children might, but no, that's something we don't do in our family. And when we do that and understand that discipline actually defines family values, it's a really big change.
Because it makes us more confident to actually apply loving limits where they're needed. Because it slowly, slowly reveals what our family stands for. In other words, the values that we hold.
But more recently, I was actually in a museum and I was looking at marble statues. And there was a guide showing us around and he was saying, you know, the thing with marble is that it actually has grain. And sculptors learn to actually handle that grain of the stone, just like woodworkers handle the grain of the wood that they're working with.
And I thought, wow, what an interesting thought. It hadn't occurred to me so clearly that stone had grain. And, you know, once it's said, I thought, yeah, of course it does.
But it reminded me of how we work with our children's quirks. Because see, Michelangelo was carving Statue of David, right, as I mentioned. But he must have had to kind of blend his image of what he wanted that statue to be.
And he must have had to blend it with what was there in the stone where the grain was flowing. So it wasn't just his image and he was imprinting it upon this material, no matter what, because that would have broken, I presume, splintered, cracked. He had to marry his image together with the grain of the stone.
And likewise, it set me thinking as I was just sort of sitting on a bench, looking at the statue, thinking, you know what? That's a lot like the way we raise our kids. We've got this image of what we want our family to be. OK, there's the image.
And then along come our kids with the grain of their quirk. That quirk grain of who they are will then shape what it is that we create in that sort of family, in that creation of family values. Do you see where I'm going with this? Because what I'm saying here is that we are always working with our children's quirks on one hand, but we balance that with the image of our family.
And when those two things are balanced, we're in pretty good shape because there's two things that would happen if we ignored it. Firstly, if we ignored our children's, the grain of their soul, their quirks, that kind of the movement within them, if we ignored that and just dominated with our image of what our family does, that's really going to squash a child, isn't it? That's really just going to dominate and not allow space for who that child is and what they've brought with them and what they're bringing into the world. But on the other hand, if we just go with the grain and there's no image of what we're trying to create, then the form will almost inevitably be amorphous.
The form won't be much at all. It'll just be kind of this, you know, undefined values that kind of just go with wherever the child wants to take us. And that's not going to work either.
That's really not going to work because that is a home that's not based on values. So there's this blending of, on one hand, the values that we're creating, and on the other hand, the soul grain of our children's beings. And when those two things can coexist, when we're sensitive to what our children need and are asking of us, and on the other hand, holding as a pillar the values and that image we have of what we want as a family, I think that's the art of parenting, is to be open to both and not be swayed by the dominance of just our values or the dominance of our children's wishes and demands.
When we hold both in balance, and it comes down to like little daily things, it's like a decision about a play date, the third this week, right? So a child asks for a third play date, and you can see they're tired after the two. You can see it. So what do you do right in that moment? Your values say, we have to have simple schedules and not overwhelm our kids with too much stuff after school, sleepovers, play dates, and so on.
Okay, there's a value. And there's your child pleading to go on a third play date. Well, maybe the blending of the two is to say to the child, you know what, we're not going to have a play date today.
But after the weekend, we're going to have a lovely weekend, because, you know, you might be thinking, I know, we'll have a little bit of a quieter weekend. Maybe it's a Thursday or so that you're being asked about this. So you'll have acquired a little bit of a quieter weekend to allow space for a play date on Monday afternoon.
Now, not on Thursday, but maybe on Monday. And so you think about it. And I would really recommend you give yourself a few minutes.
Don't feel, you know, propelled by your child saying he wants an answer now. Again, those of you who have read the Soul of Discipline book will know my take on that is if a child wants a now answer, N-O-W, okay, now spells now, they may have a now answer, but it's minus the W. Right? It's no, you know, I think we need to give ourselves time to, to think about it, even if it's a couple of minutes. So in this situation, couple of minutes later, you think about it.
And you think, yeah, I could dial back the weekend a little bit. And then a play date on Monday would be okay, because that's, that's a short day anyway. And okay, I can organize that.
So you go back to your child and say, you know what? No, we're going to have, we're not going to have the play date now on tonight. And this afternoon, but Monday, after our weekend, I think a play date would be just the right time. And I'll see if we can get that organized for you.
So do you see what you've done? In other words, you've held, you've held your values in terms of not wanting your kids to be overscheduled. But you've gone with the grain of your child's being, because maybe he's just a really socially oriented little boy, a little girl, or teenager for that matter. But maybe their life is, their identity is strongly held in social life and in friendships.
That's their quirk. That's the soul grain. And in that way, you've held true to both.
Well, I hope that little example is, is, is illustrative. But more than that, I hope this whole idea of, of the grain of a child's soul, of a child's being balanced with those, that vision of what you want that sculpture to be. You know, that form that you want your family to take and the blending of the two.
I sure hope that's been helpful. Okay, bye bye for now.
