Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John-Payne. Again, as always, so glad you could just carve out this little bit of time to join me. Today, I've been thinking and speaking with a couple of parents about this age-old question of children interrupting, children interrupting conversation, children interrupting tasks when we're doing something that is, you know, we're in flow, right? We're working, we're conversing, we're concentrating on something, and usually that's when children can, well, it's most noticeable that they interrupt us.
I guess to first answer the question of what to do, we need to back on up and understand why, some of the reasons why this is happening. Of course, it's multi-layered, it's different in every different family, but there are a few kind of patterns that I've noticed over the years. The first pattern is that when children interrupt us, it's when they do it that there's certain things that are noticeable.
One of them is when we're really focused on something, like we are talking on the phone to someone, we are talking in person to someone, and it's very clear that our attention is being drawn, rightly so, to the conversation or the task that we're performing. It could be something that we're very focused on, you know, we're fixing something, mending something, making something, but when we're very focused on a specific thing, you know, I've noticed, and you've probably noticed too, that's when kids tend to want to tell us something, want to show us something, and I think this has got a lot to do with their, not so much their interruption, but their need to connect, and I think it's really important to understand that an interruption is very often a need to connect. Now, if we just let that thought in for a moment, it can help us get over the frustration of being interrupted, because then it shifts our thinking a little bit away from, or as well as, this is really frustrating, to, oh, you need to be with me, and if we let that thought in, it's an important one, because then our child is not picking up the message, go away, because if they're picking up the message, this is frustrating, go away, I can't give you my attention, it's, if that's the message they're picking up, one of the outcomes of that is they'll come back even more forcefully, or more kind of naggingly, if that's a word.
So the shift in thinking of you need to connect is a shift in us, but I think our kids pick it up, they pick it up that, aha, that we're not trying to push them away, and it also points us towards a solution. The solution to a child interrupting is, of course, to let them know that this is not a good time for us to be chatting, but at the same time, and ask them to stop, hang on, just stop for a moment, I'm on the phone, stop, that universal hand up, hand, stop, like a policeman, but then to turn the hand around, and with our sort of fingers horizontal to the ground, if you know what I mean, in a hug gesture, round your arm out, and if it's possible, and it isn't in all situations, but draw the child in, and let them kind of lean on you, if it's possible, let them, or just give their hair a stroke, and just look at them, and you're on the phone, you're talking to someone, and if it's in person, you might even say to the person, gosh, do you see how well Miguel, let's make up his name, you know, Miguel is doing it waiting, and the person you're speaking to, it's almost like you're winking to them, and they can, you know, oh yes, he waits well, yeah, Miguel's going to wait just for a moment while I finish this conversation, but as you're saying that, for example, to someone you're speaking to, that's in a, that's in that kind of situation, be, just, if, just be reaching out to him, hug, just give him a little side hug, give his little arm or shoulder a squeeze, stroke his hair, as I said, and just let him be with you, and give him the message, we are connected, and I'm staying in the flow of what I'm doing, because that's important, but we are connected, you may be with me. Now, I know this is not universally the answer, but gosh, in so many situations, it really is the answer, is just come, come, come, be with me, stroke, stroke the shoulder, stroke his hair, just give him a little squeeze, give them, you know, just whatever, whatever seems right, but you can be with me.
You may stop the conversation, or stop the task, and say, Miguel, I'm just going to finish these two or three things that I'm doing, and then I'll come and be with you, and I really am looking forward to seeing what you want to show me, but if, if you were to try and show me now, I could, I could, if it's a little child, I could only give you one eye and one ear, and I want to give two eyes and two ears. Now, that's the message to a little one, but the, the same gesture is true for, for older kids, you know, voicing it, you know, for an older child, one might say, I want to give you my full attention, sweetheart, and, and, and if I come now, and I stop what I'm doing, I'll be, I can't, because I've got to finish this off, just like when you're doing a project, you like to finish things, I have to finish this off. Now, if you've got a child who is a serial interrupter, then you might try and coach them up by, by making it pretty brief, really, five, ten seconds, and then you turn to them, if you can, the next time, or the next sort of couple of times, do that, and after a little while, a day or two, ten, fifteen, twenty seconds, and then go see, and then thirty, forty, fifty seconds, a minute, and then go see, but always when you go and see what they want, or listen to what they want, it's, it, it, first, the first thing is, it comes with a little affirmation, a little thank you, oh, Miguel, that was a really good wait, love, well done, you, I really want to see what it is that you've got to show me now, that was, it's not easy to wait, is it? Well done, you, and then, you know, have, have him show you, and the reward is, of course, the little affirmation, but the big reward is that you're, you can be completely present, but don't draw it out for too long.
Now, the, the, the other thing that this is doing, is it's modeling impulse control for children, because you're not just splitting your attention and immediately attending to what they want, you're making them wait, well, it's just five seconds, you know, sometimes, but they need to wait, but they need to wait with that recognition that you can come and connect with me, it's fine. In most situations, not all, if you're having a conversation with a, a boss, or some very stressed conversation, then that, that's different, of course, but I'm really talking about the nine out of ten situations where a child can be with you. Some parents have gone one step further, and they've kept a little, what one mother called, she, she actually had beside her an interruption basket, and she had some, this was for about a five, five-year-old, I'm guessing, but she had a book, and crayons, and some modeling wax, or Play-Doh, I'm not sure what it was, but just some modeling equipment, she had some things that she knew her child would like, and so when the child, and she was working from home, so when, when her child came to interrupt her, she would do this thing of reach, of stop, stop, wait for a moment, hand up, now come on in, and she would get the basket out, and she had a little table right beside hers, she was all set up for it, and the child would come and sit and do that work with her arm around her, and the mum, she said quite often I was emailing, but with one, with one finger, with one hand, as my other arm was around my child, but, but, and we were both doing our, our work.
It's not ideal, we're working on a screen, screens are really hard, because they tend to really give a child a message that we have very strongly withdrawn our connection, and I think that's why kids do interrupt us a lot when we're on, particularly on cell phones, texting, particularly talking, because we do it so much now in their presence, and a child, all they're sensing is you're withdrawing my, you know, the connection with me very, very much, and very, very often, and so that's, you start to set up a habit of wanting to connect, which reads as, as, you know, as, of course, as interruption, and because we're, and, and really we've begun it, because we're checking our texts so often now, checking our phones so often now, social media feeds so often, is that it, it actually begins to have a child interrupt regularly, and now the interruptions actually become habitual, because our checking of the phone was habitual, so in a sense, we started it, right? But the positive message is if we started it, we can stop it, and just very much monitor when we're doing this in front of our children, otherwise we set them up into a real habit of, of, of interruption. So that's my little sort of audio meme, as someone called it recently, that an interruption can be seen as, as an invitation to connect, and we've just walked around this a little bit today, you know, it would be, it would be great, you know, if you wanted to walk around yourself thinking about this, and figure out ways in which you could see this need for connection, and set up ways in, in which you can. Okay, that's it for today.
As always, if you wish to connect with me personally, just go right on to our brand spanking new Simplicity Parenting website, and you can contact me right through the request a consult, because of course, I still have my, my family coaching and counseling practice. Okay, that's it for now. As always, hope that was helpful.
Bye-bye.
