Welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. So glad you could make time again to listen in or watch in these days, now that we have this possibility of our YouTube channel. So, this week, I've been thinking about parent tensions that kids actually see or hear.
Our arguments that can blow up sometimes really fast, and there doesn't seem to be a way to head them off, at least it's not easy to do it, right? It happens, it just happens, and we feel bad about it, and our kids can see or overhear our arguments, disagreements, frustrations, even the sort of lower grade looks that pass between a two-parent family. So I want to go through some of those just steps that we can take to, I guess, just anticipate but also protect the space our kids are in to help them feel safe when a disagreement comes up between parents, because it's one of the most disturbing things that a kid can overhear, and yet I think it can be also okay as well. All right, so here are a few steps over the years that have definitely felt to be helpful to parents.
I'm not kind of just making these up as good ideas. These are pretty tried and tested. Some you might be able to do, some might be overreaching, some you might already be doing, but let's just run through a couple of steps.
The first thing to do is have a prearranged signal, prearranged words, something, something that when you're in a good space, you know, and you may be made up after an argument, you might say, you know, like, we've just got to stop doing that. Can we get some pre-agreed words or something organized so that we signal to each other, we've got to cut it off, we've got to cut it out. Some examples of that is, and I think a lot of the time this can come in a question.
So it doesn't seem like one parent is being bossy towards another. So the question could be something like, I'll give a couple of examples of, do we need space right now? This is like in a statement, oh, this is just not working out. This is not going anywhere right now, right? That's clear.
Everyone knows it. Do we need space or this is not working out? Look, can we just circle back to this later? That's a couple of examples. And the parents who have used these tell me that it's almost like a promise that when one parent says that to another with that open sort of look in the eye, you know, like this is our signal.
Do we need space right now? Because this is not working out. The moment one parent says to another, do we need space? Not we need space. Because the child overhearing that, it's not nearly so, I don't know, evolved or settling to a child to hear a question come, can we circle back to this later? And then the other parent says, yeah, yeah, okay.
Then they know they can read the space in between a parent. It's not one parent saying, we need to stop talking about this. And the other parent says, yeah, whatever, you see, that didn't do it, right? That's not going to do it.
But a question and you hear it and it just, there's a little bit of a brain switch that goes on a little bit of a brain like, oh yeah, we agreed that. We agreed that. So there's this and it's pre-agreed and it really is like as close to inviolable as possible that when that's said, there's space given.
Then work it out, just give it some space. I mean, really do that, of course, we all know that. Give it some space.
Work it, work it on out. If it's a big one, you might circle back to a child and just let them know later that evening at suppertime or whatever, if there's been a disagreement in the afternoon between parents, even an argument, and you haven't quite worked it out. Just at suppertime, say something as simple as, write to each other, I'm glad we're talking about that, or you know what, we're going to give this a bit more space, but I'm glad we're going to work that one through.
A child, a tween or a teen overhearing that is settled on down because they can hear the voice we're talking in and they know it's in process. But usually we'll be able to say at suppertime, or if it's later than that, at breakfast or lunch, it's a good time to do this around meals, though it doesn't have to be, right? But you can say things to a child, even a teenager, to each other, like I might say to my partner, my wife, thanks, it was really good we gave that some space. And I'm glad we got that worked out because we were seeing it differently, weren't we? That's another one of my favorites, actually.
We were seeing that differently, and I'm glad we got that worked out, thank you for listening to me. Or, gosh, it was good to give that some space, wasn't it? That was good. That was good to work that out.
I think we're good, right? And then the other partner perhaps can say, yeah, yeah, yeah, that was good to work it out like that, you know? You see, what you're doing is that you're modeling exactly, you know, like, it's not vaguely, but exactly what we want our kids to be able to do for themselves, right? We're modeling, actually, that when we've got a big disagreement going on, we need to give it space. It's very few arguments and disagreements can be worked out properly by just raising the volume and getting intense. Little kids end up like just getting physical about it.
So we model giving it space so that when we move in and our kids are arguing, if you've got a couple of kids or cousins come over or, you know, other kids on playdates, and we move in, if our child is really, if giving space has been made normal, then by us, then they're much more likely to be able to do that because we're being real, you know, we're being authentic. The other thing is, is that it is that it, it models that we can circle back when we're feeling better, when we're okay, when we're more okay, that not everything has to get sorted out there and then. It models sort of, I think, pretty doable impulse control, that we're not giving up when we've got our point to make, but we'll circle back when we've calmed on down a bit.
And lastly, it models that actually disagreements are okay, that it's actually okay to disagree. Arguments, disagreements, it's fine. You know, it's, you know, one of the values, and I've mentioned this before in some other podcasts, but one of the values that I've held very dear raising my kids is that a disagreement can be a differing perspective that we need to circle back and work out.
But essentially, it's a differing perspective. We're seeing and feeling it differently. And that is in stark contrast to a disagreement that is an opposing opinion that we have to fight against.
Imagine a world, if we were raising our kids like this, where disagreements were a differing perspective and not necessarily an opposing opinion. That's a very different world right there. But it can be a very different world inside our little world of our family.
And so modeling that disagreements are okay, they're not something to be ashamed of. They're not something to avoid. They're not something to escalate.
That is normal. Disagreements, conflicts, just normal. But what we do is that when they blow up, we try our very best to give each other space.
We circle back. We try our very best to see something from a different perspective and we work it out. And we can so authentically say that if we're doing it right, if we're actually doing it.
Okay, so that's it for this week. It's one of those little mighty kind of podcasts again. Quick announcement.
We have a Simplicity Parenting Care Professional Seminar coming up on February 4th and 5th. If you're a teacher, you're an educator, early childhood, a therapist, a care professional, doctor, nurse, you have any stripe. If you're a care professional, we have a small six hour, it's three hours on Saturday, three hours on Sunday for a care professional seminar of how to apply Simplicity Parenting principles in your work with the people you work with.
And you can go right to Simplicity Parenting website and check it out right there. And if it's happened, you know, you're listening to this after that date, then just, and it sounds interesting, go right to the website and you'll see it there, trainings, and just sign up on the on the interest list because these trainings happen each year. Okay, so that's it for now.
I hope this was helpful. Bye bye for now.
