Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim-John Payne. Again, well done, you made a few minutes to listen to this little brief podcast. This week I've been thinking about what I call two by two by one.
Two by two by one is something that I find comes to my rescue because it's a pretty simple little equation, a pretty simple little thought that can help us give instructions to a child, give them a direction, give them an instruction that has a good chance of them being able to move with us, to follow through and to do what they've been directed to do, just to keep the day running smoothly and just in the flow of family life. Now let me explain what two by two by one actually is. Some of you might be familiar with a little bit of this from my book, The Soul of Discipline, where I talk about this but I also want to extend it a bit more today.
You know how it is, you have these things that you think about and develop and they're always growing and this is one of those things that's grown since the writing of The Soul of Discipline book. So two by two. The first thing I wanted to sort of clarify about this funny little formula is that when we give a direction to our child, make it a direction and not a request.
A direction is so different. A direction gives, well it gives direction to a child. An instruction gives inner structure.
We have got it rather into the habit of making requests as in, shall we all get into the car? And children think, shall we? Well, we'll look at each other. No, no, no thank you kind of thing. They genuinely think sometimes either we're asking and they get a choice or we're not very secure and we're not invested in what we're actually asking them to do, what we're actually directing them to do.
So rather than shall we all get into the car or how about we put our coats on, what I'm talking about is now it's time to get in the car. Yeah, that's right, coats on now. That kind of thing.
It's a direction. It's an instruction, but it's not barked out like a sergeant major. It's friendly, but it does give that direction.
Now in order to give the direction, and this is the main theme because that's just a little bit of a side theme, direction versus request, although it's a big one, isn't it? But really the main theme of this little podcast today is the two by two by one. Now the first two is two feet on the ground, two feet down. Don't try your very best to not move around.
Don't be moving around. Plant your feet. Grow great big roots through your shoes down into the ground.
Be solid in what you're going to do. In other words, create the space first and then speak into it. Two feet down and two feet away from a child, and I don't mean confronting them.
It could mean just an arm around a shoulder. It could mean the stroking of their hair, a little squeezy on their arm, an arm around them. It doesn't have to be confronting, but two feet down so you're not moving and two feet away from a child so you move in close to them.
I've been surprised over the years how many parents give requests whilst they're on the move, and the kids just do almost like request a keto. It's just like gone. It's just no.
They just deflect, and they just keep right on doing what they're doing, and we're given all these requests like, Sophie, can you put your lunch in your lunchbox, please? Miguel, Miguel, how about you put your coat on now? Wouldn't it be lovely to? And you're being so nice, so kind. You get into the car to take the children to school, and you look behind you, and no one's there. No one's there, and it's just so maddening.
So you get out of the car, you go back inside, and there is your child that you spent half an hour trying to get dressed, and they're standing there semi-naked. They've just undressed themselves. Much of this can be avoided, and the frustrations can be avoided if one stops moving.
Sometimes I hear that parenting is multitasking, and I get it. I get why that's said. But really, I think parenting is single-tasking multiple times.
And this is single-tasking. Two feet down, I am not moving. I am still.
I've quietened down something in myself, because the kids can sense that. If we stop moving physically, we've got a much greater chance of stopping moving emotionally and being distracted within ourselves. And kids, they can sense it.
It's almost like they do cost-benefit analysis, right? They can sense it. So when we put two feet down and we stop moving, we quieten ourselves inside ourselves. We move in close to a child, two feet away.
Then we've got the two-by-two principle, where they can hear that we are inhabiting the direction that we're giving. And then the one, two-by-two-by-one, is give one direction, just one. So it's not, I want you to collect up all your equipment now for school.
You need to put it in the backpack, then pop on over and get your coat, and your shoes are just outside the door. You didn't bring them in last night, so they're still outside. I hope they're not wet.
That's, some kids can maybe deal with that, but not a lot. Two-by-two-by-one, one direction. So the first thing we're going to do, Kobe, is that we're going to put your equipment, the things you need for school, right here in the box, in the box I've got ready for you.
That's right. That's what we're going to do first. Yeah, of course, I'll help you, love.
It is, there's a lot of things. Let's gather them all up. Okay.
Now, now we're going to pop on over and put our coats on. Yeah, I've put the coats out already. Do you see they're all out? Yes, you can wear your big red one today.
Yep, that's fine. So that's the one, and then one, and then one. Now, some parents have said to me, actually a parent this week in my little family counseling practice said to me, but what do you do with the other kids when you're doing that? And my experience with other kids in my family is that when you give a two-by-two-by-one and you're really single-tasking, you're focused, you're followed through, your voice drops a little bit lower in your chest or tummy, you're not moving about, the child that you're not talking to actually senses that there's been a shift within the kind of, within the force.
There's been a shift, and my mom or my dad or my guardian is really inhabiting, they're very present, I guess, is the best way to describe it. And when we're very present with one child that we're talking to, the other kids pick it up. And that's, try it.
I mean, all you can do is try it, right? But that's my challenge, is that if you get very present with one child, the other children move along in a much better way than playing disciplined whack-a-mole, where you go to one and then another, and the other one pops up, and you're moving around in a breathless, frustrated way. Two feet down, two feet away, and then one direction. And after that one direction is done, then comes the next one.
Now, if another child comes to you, if you've got more than one child, and they come to you and they say, Mummy, should I get my coat out too? You will often find that, because if you're really present in what you're doing with one, the others will very often be in the slipstream of this and move right on over. Even if they're not, even if they sort of peel off and they're doing their own thing a little bit, don't be tempted to go to them and start dealing with that. Stay with what you're doing, follow it through, and then go to them.
Again, having chatted with so many parents over the years, the comment that I hear, and it's a pretty consistent reflection, is that you think that's going to take more time. And sometimes it might take a fraction longer, but most often it doesn't. But no matter what, you feel more connected with the children once you're moving along with the direction that you've set.
And so now you've not just got a direction, you've got a connection, and it's the connection that counts. So two by two by one, and one and one and one. Okay, I sure hope that helps.
It's a simple little thing. See if you want to practice it this week. It's kind of a pretty simple thing to do, right? To remember.
But more challenging for some than others. In fact, I think for many of us it's a hard thing to do. As always, if you want to reach out to me and chat as a part of my family counselling practice, go right on to simplicityparenting.com. You'll see a link there.
Request a consult with Kim. It's just the thing I love to do most in the world, is to talk with you personally and work through some of the issues that might be coming up in your family. Anyway, that's it for this week, and good luck with two by two by one.
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