Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me Kim John Payne. Always glad you can join us. Today I wanted to talk about something that I think of as the unexpected truth about meltdowns, about tantrums and just pure meltdowns.
And have you ever noticed actually that when a child melts down, it can be frustrating, upsetting, even infuriating when we get to zen, so to speak, as adults. When we stay completely calm and completely centered, you know as a lot of the books tell us to do, it actually makes things worse. And a child starts howling and we're trying to stay centered and they're howling or they're pushing us or, you know, and you're thinking, hang on, I'm staying really calm here.
I'm really, I'm really chill. I'm trying my best and yet my child's ramping up more and more. What's going wrong? This is not how it's meant to go.
Now one of the things that we've got to try and obviously to do is figure out why that happens. And a child who's, you know, melting down like this and who's very emotionally disoriented often feels very alone. That probably comes as no surprise, you know, when an adult, you know, when we're feeling just really angry or extremely frustrated, we feel very alone, right? It's just, it's a sharp contraction when a child's melting down to just not being able to cope.
They're just overwhelmed and it's this feeling of being misunderstood and it's awful for a child, of course, and it's really hard for us. And when we use that really calm, quiet voice, it actually increases it. The risk is it can increase the child's feeling of aloneness because they're, they're really up there, you know, their voice is up there, their emotions are up there and we don't want to go up there with them, right? That's for sure.
But how can we help? And just in terms of our tone and what we're saying and our being with a child when they're like this. Now there's a bunch of things, but something I wanted to focus on just now is what I call the meet and move voice. Now, meet and move is, it's related strongly to the resonant brain, to being able to establish a connection with a child when they're feeling very cut off through their intense emotions.
The resonant brain, I mean, a simple example of it is when someone yawns in a room and then you might see that two or three other people sort of yawn or are trying to stifle a yawn. It's this resonance that's set up. Now for a raging child, I'm suggesting that when their voice and emotions are rising, we meet them a little bit, just a little bit where they are and we meet them and then we move it down from a place where we meet them first.
So what I'm suggesting is that if a child has lost it, they're emotionally disoriented, we'll say things like, oh Skylar, that is so hard when it's just not working out. It's so hard to be so frustrated. That's the meet part.
All right. Now let me just contrast that with, oh Skylar, you know, let's try and stay, let's let's be a little more, no, what are your feelings feeling? What? Sorry, I can't keep it up, but it's, but it's, it's just, it's not connecting with a child to do that, as opposed to meeting them and then moving them down. And now notice again, I'll try and do it again.
Oh Skylar, it's really hard to be so frustrated. Oh my goodness. What we've got to try and do.
Oh, when we're feeling better, let's try and figure this out a little bit because this, oh dear, it's so hard. Oh dear. That's the meet and move down, meet it and then move it down.
Meet the child where their rage is up and not full on rage, of course, but meet them with this a little bit of intensity in your voice that assures them that, you know, because when a child is melting down, all they're doing, all their, their, their, their meltdown brain is able to do is scan us for, for tone, the tone of our voice and our posture. They're, they're checking out also, you know, our, our, the way we are within ourselves and our body language, but they're primarily checking us out for tone. And if our tone just rises a little bit, we meet and we move it down, then there's a very much increased likelihood that they'll come on down with us.
And, and, you know, you might need to give it a little bit of a pause and that meet and move down. And by the way, for a very sad child, it can be the opposite. This is not for a meltdown.
This is for a melt in, you know, when a child is very sad, it might be, you might switch the script. And it's like, oh, Skylar, this, this is so hard, isn't it, love? Oh, my goodness. You know, when, when we've had maybe after supper, or sometime soon, what we can do is we can talk about how we can get that.
And you know what I think we can? Yeah, I'm sure we can figure out a way. And do you see what I just did? That was starting low, and in a little bit of a empathetic tone in terms of going with a child, and then meeting her there, him there, them there, and then moving it up, moving the tone up. But for, I just wanted to mention that as a by the way, but for today, what I wanted to really emphasize is just be careful of, of the, of the very calm voice when a child is feeling bad, because it really can intensify their feeling that no one understands me, or what I'm doing is really wrong, because my mom or my dad or my guardian is just so chill.
And what I'm doing is wrong. And that, that, you know, even intensifies the feeling of disorientation, aloneness. So use this, this resonant, meet and move a way of being with a child.
And it very, very likely, we'll be able to not fix the problem, but assure the child that they're that they're not alone in this, that you're with them, because in that moment of disorientation, they're looking very much to us to be able to orient them. Now, this doesn't mean we're not centered, we are centered. In fact, we're even more centered, because now we're choosing consciously the tone that we're using, and then moving it down.
Now, last little piece in this is I mentioned that a child is scanning us for our tone and our body language. If we meet a child, you may have noticed it, those of you who watching watching this on YouTube, you know, visually, and others perhaps just even, you know, figure this out, just if you're listening to this. But when you meet a child with intensity, you know, with Oh, Skylar, that is so hard to feel that way.
It's just not working out. Oh my goodness. When we just come on down a little bit, we'll try and work this out.
You know what? I'm sure there's a way we can put this right. Now, those of you watching the video will have noticed, and those of you listening, I'll tell you about it. But my body language can't help but change, that a little bit of tension comes into my system.
And, and my body language, my physiogamy, my shoulders, tighten just a fraction, and then they release. Now a child's mirror neurons, and we've talked about mirror neurons quite a lot in these podcasts, but a child's mirror neurons will go with us in that tension and release. Our voice had tension, and then it released.
Our body showed just a little tad of attention, and then released. And then it got quieter. And my body, I couldn't help it, actually, I didn't try to do it.
But it just rounded off a little bit, my head tilted to the side, the little safety wrinkles at the corner of the eyes, just those little wrinkles of kindness, or whatever it is, I don't know what it is, but they often come up when we do this, or for all of us. And we're signaling to a child, both through posture and through tone, that you are safe with us, you're secure with me, I get it, I get you, I get it. And a child has a much greater chance of moving through the meltdown in a smoother way.
All right, I hope that's helpful. Remember, if you would like to speak to me personally, it's the thing I love doing most of all, don't hesitate to go onto the Simplicity Parenting website, click on request a consult with Kim, and it'll just lead you through that process. But that's it for now.
And, you know, it's if that is in any way helpful, I'm sure glad that you tuned in today. Okay, bye bye for now.
