Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. Oh, so glad you could just carve out another few minutes to be with us again today. You know, this week, a couple of times, what's come up in speaking with parents, as I do every week, is sibling, sibling tensions, just things that aren't going well between between brothers and sisters and so on.
And it's multilayered, right? It's always a very sort of layered down type of affair. But one of those layers that I found can help ease sibling tensions and rivalries and so on, is to, is to really think of moments where kids can be differentiated. Now, the reason I'm thinking of this, and the reason it's gone well, in fact, a couple of weeks ago, a parent I was speaking with, I met up again, and they said, that it wasn't miraculous, or so to speak, but it did help things become much easier to work through.
And we'll talk about those strategies in a minute. But one of the dynamics is kids almost competing to be different, to stand out, to not be seen in the same light, to want to do things that are independent. And one of the things that can result in that, that need, is they start sort of going at each other, or they start competing with each other, to see who can, who can, in a sense, it looks like who can stand out.
But really, I think what they're looking for, to quite an extensive degree, is to be actually to be differentiated. They love each other, they want to play together, they want to be together. And one is tempted to think, yeah, they're really good together, they're doing all right.
And for much of the time, they may well be. But underneath all that is a real need to be seen as an individual. And this crosses a sort of certain developmental thresholds.
At certain times, there's an individualization process that goes on developmentally. One happens around three-ish, in and around that age, where a little one, maybe the second born, starts to have opinions, right, starts to want to have things their way. And then that's the first, one of the first signs of autonomy, of independence.
There are other little mini stages, but another slightly bigger one comes up around six and seven, it can come a little earlier, as well. Particularly for boys, I've noticed around five, it can come up. And it can take the form of, now it can take the form of aggression.
Kids can be really quite aggressive to each other. They can be physical. And that's another developmental stage where kids just long to be seen separately, different from their brothers and sisters, from their other siblings.
And another big developmental change comes up around nine, ten. That's another one where a lot of tensions can come up. And that's another age of really wanting to establish independence, because a nine, ten-year-old is, developmentally, they are much stronger, they're much standing much stronger in the world.
They can see the world a little bit differently. Neurologically, things have really developed. They're starting, just starting to understand cause and effect a little bit more.
They're starting to see the fallibilities of people around them. And it's a little bit of an insecure age. And that also causes the sibling tensions that can often come up.
And that sort of going through changes, all the changes I've just mentioned, do come with their own little insecurities, which then causes them to ping their brother or sister, right? It causes them to behaviorally, emotionally ping. So you've got two things going on. One is the need for differentiation, which comes with developmental stages.
And the other is the pinging that goes on, which comes with developmental stages. Because, you know, those of you follow this podcast, you've heard a few others will know, I often talk about, there aren't disobedient kids, just disoriented ones. And when they're disoriented at developmental stages like this, they tend to ping their siblings.
Now, staying with this whole idea of pinging and disorientation, and particularly the need for differentiation, have a think about what you can do for your children. And have them, if at all possible, to pull off, do stuff separately with them. Have one child looked after by grandparents, if you're in a two-parent home by a partner.
It may be when one is off at a play date, or a sports club. But really plan on doing something separate with the child. And do the things that they particularly love to do.
And it can be simple little stuff. If they particularly love activity, and they're really good at that, then and, you know, take them like bike riding. If they've got a lot of endurance, you might take them on a really long bike ride and pack a picnic, just with the two of you.
If they're more craft or art oriented, spend some really good time hunkering on down, working on a project with them. If they love to be outdoors, maybe take that next step, in their particular garden bed. And one that is just theirs, or a raised, a little raised planting box, if you live in an urban environment.
And it's just theirs. And they work on that. But with you, is one of the sort of crucial parts.
Let them know that you see them independently. And doing the things they love to do. And finding moments, if at all possible, rhythmically through the week, where you do something with one child at a certain time, and you do something with the other.
And they both know they get their turn. And it's particularly they'll know that if it's rhythmical, because one is on a Saturday morning, and one is on a Sunday afternoon, and they don't tend to begrudge each other, because they know their, their turn is coming. Whatever occurs to you to help your child feel that you are seeing them as as independent, there can be all kinds of ideas that come up, just sort of watch out for them.
A mom a little while ago, actually had had a slightly older daughter, 11 or 12, who loved to write, but also to illustrate. And so she the daughter was writing her own book, right and illustrating it. And she would bring that to her mom and her mom would read through the pages with her and look at the illustrations and the and the daughter would tell her about her, her ideas and what she she'd got coming up in her in her book that she was writing.
And they would spend good amounts of time just the two of them, just sitting looking at the book. Another, another mom said it was a mom and dad actually, were building tree forts with one of their children. And the both the mom and dad were involved in that while the other siblings were two of them were taken off to do other things.
But they would build these forts and tree forts. And classically, it was for a nine 10 year old child, they love to build forts at around that age. It's the classic fort building age, you know, like all around me, the structures of the world that I thought when my world were falling away.
So I know what I'm going to do. If I'm a little nine year older, I'm going to, I'm going to build a fort, I'm going to build a structure around around me, that is kind of a, it's almost like a sort of a, an emotional need, a structure is falling away. So therefore I build a structure.
Whatever you can come up with, to have these smaller moments with a child doesn't need to go on for hours and hours. Or it can be big set pieces where there's a camp over a sleepover and camping and it could be a bigger piece. And it's evened out because you know, your other child or children know that their turn will be coming.
But really try to offer these moments of differentiation. And most parents tell me that it eases the tension and makes it significantly more malleable to work out and it takes the sting out of what can be pretty intense. Okay.
Hope that was helpful. Bye-bye for now.
