Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. This week I wanted to talk about a subject that vexes many parents of younger children, particularly that of mimicking. Now this is not isolated just to young children, but boy, it comes up a lot.
And it's annoying, right? It's extremely annoying when a child mimics your words. So you'll say something about clearing up or, you know, getting, taking things to the counter or whatever it is, please stop doing that now. And you'll get this, please stop doing that now.
And you'll get, you'll say now, please, no, don't talk like that. No, don't talk like that. And it's a, it's a, it is a very triggering aspect of trying to relate to a child.
And one that's come up over and over and over in the years of meeting with parents is, is what a flashpoint this mimicking actually is. So first of all, let's try and understand what's going on when, when a child mimics, and then we'll turn to what are some of the things we can do. One of the ways that I've kind of experimented with really, because it's a, these things often begin as a hunch, right? And I'm talking with one parent and then time goes by and it comes up again and again and again and you, and you start to see patterns.
And one of the things that I see with mimicking and certainly a way I've come to think of it is that it's almost like emotional shedding, like, and deflecting, shedding. What I mean by shedding is just letting go. It's literally, we shed our clothing at night, getting ready for bed.
We shed, we, we take things off, but this is like emotional shedding. It's, it's almost like children have taken on so much through the day. So many transitions, so many little things have gone on, so many instructions to follow, so much to absorb, so many car journeys, and they start actually shedding and taking that off and all that, all that stimulation.
It's almost like their ability to relate to any new information is maxed out. Their little cups are utterly full. And so one of the ways in which they cap off their cup is to either shed, to try and let go of the load, right? They're trying to let go of the load and, you know, it's annoying, but you could see it as an attempt to create space in their little emotional cups.
And that, it's kind of crucial to understand this, that they're not necessarily trying to be triggering to us. They're trying to shed, they're trying to let go. Another thing that they're doing, as I mentioned, is capping off.
They're saying, I can't take any more. And so I'm not going to take any more in. All I'm going to do is mimic what comes towards me.
I'm just going to mimic it. Because in that way, I don't have to absorb it. I'm just bouncing it straight back at you.
I'm not going to take this on board at all. And as annoying, and it truly is annoying as it is, it's another really important aspect to remember, that number one, that they're shedding, and number two, they're capping off. They can't take any more.
A third aspect of this that is aligned to this is deflecting. And it's similar to capping off. But deflecting means you say something to me, and I'm not going to absorb that.
I'm just going to throw it back. I'm just going to mimic it. And in that way, I deflect it, and I don't have to do it.
I don't have to do what you're telling me to do. I'm all full up. I don't want to do it.
Or you're not particularly in your instruction in the first place. You don't really mean it, I don't think. So I'm going to mimic you.
So it's deflecting. So they're shedding, capping, deflecting. And another aspect to this, and it's a major one, is that they're looking for feedback.
It's a feedback loop. Because when children are feeling emotionally lost, when they're feeling emotionally overwhelmed, what they'll do is they'll look for feedback to ease their disorientation. And if they mimic you, and you react strongly to it, negatively and strongly, that provides them with the feedback.
One of the quickest ways to get feedback is to annoy your parent, and to have them react strongly. And of all the ways that a little kid can get feedback is to mimic you. It will have immediate results, because it's so annoying.
So what they do is they're mimicking is an attempt to establish a feedback loop in order to orient themselves, because they're lost, they've lost it. They don't know what to do. They don't know how to react.
They don't know what to say to this instruction that's coming towards them. They're all full up. And so an absolute fallback and quick way of dealing with it all is just to mimic.
Okay, so what to do? The first thing we've already done, that's the good news, is to understand what are the layers, why is a child doing this? They may not have all those four layers of shedding and so on, and deflecting, and capping, and looping, feedback looping. But there's probably one or two of them that they've got going on. I haven't met a child who mimics who doesn't have one or two of those things going on.
And it may have become habitual, by the way, they may develop the habit of doing it. But what to do about it? The first thing is to understand that they are full up. They are done.
They cannot take any more information in. Now, it doesn't look like it, because they're being really cheeky. They're being very defiant.
And it doesn't look like they're full up. It looks like they're just being defiant, right? But you just scratch the surface of that, and they're done. They're all full up.
And so one of the first things to do when a child mimics you is to say to them, you know what, we're going to take some time now. You know, or we're going to have a little bit of calm down time. And then the child says, we're going to have a bit of calm down time.
It's really testing you out. And you say, and you just sit right on down and take your magazine out, take a book out, go to the counter, just finish making the salad. Just say, I'm just going to go finish making the salad now.
We're not going to get into this. We're just going to have some calm down time. And the child says, we're not going to get into it.
We're going to have calm down time. So, and you hold it together, and you go to the counter, and you finish making the salad, or you sit down and you read. So there's actually nothing to imitate anymore.
But there is, because you're not saying anything, you're not getting into it with a child. But you crucially are doing something that's familiar to them. They've seen you read a thousand times.
They've seen you make food a thousand times. They've seen you fold laundry over and over. They've seen you do these things.
And it's very securing to them. You're doing something that is helping them drain down their little cups. You're firing the mirror neurons, which we've spoken about in other of these podcasts.
And in an involuntary act, they're absorbing what it is you're doing. Now, do you see what's happening? They're absorbing rather than deflecting. They're absorbing rather than capping.
Do you see all the other things that were going on? And now it's almost you've turned it inside out. And by quietly doing something that's familiar to a child, the mirror neurons in their brain just involuntarily start doing that. It's the opposite to mimicking.
You've turned mimicking inside out. And when you've done that enough, and it just takes sometimes two, three, four minutes, sometimes longer. When you've done that enough, don't come back and get in your child's face again.
Just sit beside them. Let's say you've been in the kitchen. You've been folding laundry nearby.
Don't go to someplace else in the house. But just nearby, you've been doing something that's familiar to them. But you're getting on with your day.
You're not being distracted and triggered by the mimicking. Then come back into the vicinity. Come a little closer.
Sit down. And the first thing you can do if it's an instruction is just help them do what they're doing. But help almost mono or duo syllabically.
Don't talk much. Don't give them anything to fire off that mimicking again. Just pick some things up.
Start tidying up. And just allow them to be close to you. If you've got a hunch that they're not going to mimic, again, and that gets triggered in them and in you, just be folding the clothes, let's say.
Don't look at them. Don't give them more stimulation. Just be looking at the clothes.
And this magical sort of soul anika, it's like balm to a bumpy, bruised soul that's overwhelmed. Just look down and say, you know what? I remember something that grandpa said to me when I was just a little girl. I remember he said to me, and just start talking almost to yourself, but then I remember.
One of the things that can cut across a mimicking, a bouncing back, a pushing back is an I remember when. But it has to be done once things are a little bit, you've taken it down a notch or two by just withdrawing, doing something familiar, step one. And then an I remember when.
Because an I remember when stands almost zero chance of being mimicked. Or I remember when you were just a baby and the very first time you noticed a bird and you've made the most, whatever it is, whatever the I remember when is, now you can use that. By the time two, three, four minutes are done, you've folded some clothes.
You've done an I remember when. You've connected with a child again. You've drained down their little cup, just that little bit.
And crucially, you've connected with them. So they don't have to repel what it is you're saying by mimicking. Okay, well, I sure hope that's helpful because it's really an annoying thing that goes on.
And this pretty much, I won't say guarantee, but it does for most parents break this really, really frustrating habit. And don't forget, if you'd like to talk to me personally and in my family counselling practice, just go right onto the Simplicity Parenting website. And there it is, book a consult with Kim or it says something like that.
And that'll come right through to me. Okay, all right. Hope that will help with the frustration of mimicking.
Bye-bye for now.
