A warm welcome back to our little Simplicity Parenting podcast. I wanted to extend my really sincere thanks to all the people who have responded to being able to donate to keep this podcast going. We rolled that out a couple of weeks ago and the response has been terrific.
And I just want to say that I was very touched, really sincerely and genuinely touched by how much people value the podcast and how much they want it to continue on this weekly basis. So a huge vote of thanks. Okay, so to today's theme.
Today's theme is about dads and daughters. Dads and daughters, hey? You know, being a dad of two daughters, that I've come to realize over the years that there's quite a dynamic difference at times between the way dads can be and need to be with their daughters and the way they can and need to be with their sons. Now in addressing this issue, I don't want to be binary in any way.
I'm talking about those who identify as. So one of the things I've noticed is that when we are talking to our daughters as dads, it pays to be extremely aware of our tone, of what we say, because basically our daughters at least double it. I've tried to kind of put a number to it over the years, but they take what we say and they amplify it to quite an extent.
I'm reminded of my dear friend Steve Bidoff, who wrote the book Raising Boys and Raising Girls, where he said that a dad is a girl's first practice boyfriend. Now, I was really struck by that. And that's a very Steve type comment.
But a dad is, if there is a dad, you know, in the home and a dad actively involved in a daughter's life, I'm just presuming that's the case for those of you who have that situation. A dad is the representation of the male world right from the earliest age. So I don't know that for a little one, it's a boyfriend.
I would nuance that a little bit more and say a dad for a daughter when they're little is a representation of the archetype of male energy, is of the male world. And so much of the way little girls come to see the male world and have either confidence in the male world, confidence that they'll be heard, confidence that they'll be seen, a confidence that they won't be harshly dominated, confidence that they can stand as an equal to the male in the world. Now, in saying that, I don't mean that little children are the same and, you know, quote unquote, equal to a grown adult.
I'm not suggesting that. But what I am suggesting is that when a dad talks to a little girl, it needs to be with real interest. It needs to be creating a space for her and not have us as males, you know, from the earliest age, go into mansplaining and dominating.
But at the same time, now not as only a dad, but as a parent, we do need to be that governor. We do need to keep any child, boy or girl, child safe and secure, of course. But there is this subtle dance between a dad and a daughter that is this delicate, I create space for you.
Yes, I'll still make decisions. And yes, I'll still keep you safe. And yes, I still am, you know, the captain of the ship together, you know, with your mummy.
That's in a two family, a two parent family, if indeed it's male, female, mother and father. But a dad has got that kind of influence over a daughter that is modelling something. It's an archetype.
And we need to know that at that early age, they're absorbing that and they're absorbing it strongly. And I personally feel as a dad, it really does need to give us pause in the way in which we speak. And as much as possible, realise that we're representing something.
It's not just us. There's something larger going on. Now, I know that sounds like a lot, perhaps, and really, you know, perhaps it sounds like too much.
But really, that is the dynamic. Now, as girls grow older, this is where this piece about doubling the impact of our words come into it. As they get through their tween and into their teen years, it's very often that our daughters will be looking towards us to actually see our reactions.
I remember once my own daughter coming down the stairs. She must have been about 14, I guess. And she had strategically ripped jeans on, OK? The jeans were, you know, there was more space than denim.
And she was on her way to school. And I was sitting at the counter. She was coming down the stairs.
And I just sort of, I just looked across at her. And she said, what? I can't do anything. And she turned around and up the stairs she went.
And she was quite upset. And I realised, oh my goodness. You know, like the jeans totally were not a part of the dress code at school.
It wouldn't have been OK. But just that look, it was maybe it was too harsh. Now, you know, one might think, well, then what do you do? And that's the dance, right? Maybe in that situation, I could have let her settle down a little bit and had her breakfast, got some food into her tummy.
And then said to her, you know, I wonder if those jeans are going to pass dress code at school, what do you think? And that kind of just really low, calm, under the radar, what do you think? At the end of it, because, you know, she was 14, would have been better. Because the slightly, I guess it was harsh look is something that she really amplified. And it really is quite interesting, isn't it? How much amplification goes on with our daughters.
As as children grow up through their teens, as our daughters grow up into their own their own relationship with the male world. This is another point that we've got to be careful of as dads, as hard as it is to withhold judgment of their male friends and particularly their boy friends. If and when they start forming relationships with boys, it may be that they choose a same sex relationship.
I'm just talking about this particular piece, if indeed that's that's the path they choose. Now, you know, there, I've also learned that one has to almost lay in wait, you know, because if they choose a boyfriend that, you know, is edgy, he has to think, hmm, this is, you know, they they this is this is not particularly comfortable for me as a dad. Again, it's got to do with questions like, how's it going with? Do you mind me? I don't want to, I certainly don't want to interfere.
But how's it going? You know, he seems like, is my read off here? Because it really could be. So I think it's important not to stay completely silent about things, but to couch it in a in a way that is very, in a sense, ironically enough, it you one could think of it as as more Venus like more, more concave, more receiving, less Mars, less convex. It's a it's it's I find with older daughters, there's a lot of just of that female planet type of influence, you know, that famous sort of Venus like receiving, listening.
As opposed to speaking. And that is is more what keeps our relationship alive with our with our older daughters as dads. Now, maybe the same thing is true for moms, if again, talking about this relationship with a mom and a dad and a daughter, and I know it's not always like that at all.
Please don't think I'm unaware of that, of course. But moms, I've noticed in general seem to be able to just chat away about boyfriends, about boys, about girlfriends and girls. And, you know, it's it's a I've noticed in general, this is not always the case.
I want to emphasize this. I'm not overgeneralizing, but I have noticed a little bit of a pattern. But I sure have noticed out of my own experience that as a as a dad of older daughters, there is a receiving gesture, a Venus like.
And it's interesting that when when your daughters get to be older and they're they're in college or coming back home again, and that's when we're being asked to discover our own, in a sense, female energy, that own that yin, whatever we call it. And so the whole landscape of dads and daughters is a really delicate one. And if as a dad, we lose it and we and we shout, you know, and we dominate, it's very, very important that we go back to our daughters within within the hour.
Honestly, within the hour, I put the number below 30 minutes. Within 30 minutes, we need to get ourselves together, go back to our daughters and say, you know what? That wasn't OK, was it? That was harsh. It came out wrong.
But what I meant to say was because often when we shout something really is worth shouting about. So I think it's worth not just simply apologizing, although the apology is good. But what I meant to say was that it's it's really hard when you leave the kitchen like you did or whatever it is, that we go back and we make the repair.
So we show them that even though men, if indeed this happens, can bluster and be loud and dominant. And again, I keep qualifying this is that not all men are like that. But if indeed that happens, that we also show them that men can be tender.
Men can apologize. Men can put things right and and mend the relationship. Terribly, terribly important with our daughters that we assure them that they don't need to step back and pull into their and pull into their sort of shells or have to be just scared or be dominated or that we show them a representation of the male world and male energy.
Can it's not just male. It's maleness can also have have an aspect of reflection, have an aspect of consciousness, repair, softness and receiving. So I hope that's that's helpful.
I've tried to be at pains all through this conversation, as you can hear, to not overgeneralize, to not be binary, but to open up this kind of conversation around dads and daughters. OK, hope that's helpful. Bye bye for now.
