Here we are again at the Simplicity Diary podcast with me, Kem John Payne, and you've done it again. You've carved out these 10 or 15 minutes to listen in. You know, recently I was speaking with a parent in my private family counselling practice who picked up this theme actually from the podcast about apologies.
And she said, you know, Kem, you mentioned this in passing about apologising to children and how that's not the end game of all this. And so we chatted about it quite a bit more. And it really set me thinking over these weeks about the role of apologising and about the role of putting things right.
And I thought it might be worth pausing a little bit and just unpacking this whole question around apologising to children. Because apologising to children, we certainly need to do, right? I mean, so often we get it wrong. So very often.
There's hardly a day goes by, certainly a week goes by, where we don't get something wrong in a small way or in a spectacular way. So what to do when things go wrong? And this question of should we apologise to children? And my point to that is absolutely there's no earthly reason why not to apologise. But that is not often all there is to it.
And I wanted to sort of dig into that a little bit more about how we can build some extra scaffolding around the apology so that it feels settling, it feels good, it feels right. And we maintain our role as the governor, as the leader, as that authoritative presence. Because one of my worries about apologising to children, if it's not gotten right, is that it can de-alpha us.
It can put us in a subjugated role. It can have a child, if we apologise, this sort of abject apology, and I got that so wrong and I'm so horrible, and it has embedded in it, I'm a horrible person, and it has the child feeling, well, hang on, am I a horrible person too, or yes, you are a horrible person. And it also leaves the child, if we're not careful, feeling like no one's in charge because you're doing this mea culpa, and it's like, well, okay, but who's keeping me safe? Who's got their hands on the steering wheel here? And you're kind of over-disclosing, mum, dad, you're kind of over-disclosing, there's too much.
So the apology can be, can get too big, and it gets a bit, frankly, it gets a bit scary for a child, or a bit sort of icky, really, technical term, I guess a 15-year-old would say weird, right? It's just, it can go too far. Now, bringing it back into the ordinary apology, it's, I find that being able just to say, yep, yep, I'm so sorry about that, yeah, I lost my temper, didn't I, or that was harsh. Being able to say sorry, that, and for me, this term, and I mentioned it in a recent podcast, that came out wrong, yep, yep, I'm sorry, that came out wrong.
So the apology is for something specific. It's not just an I'm a bad person apology, it's, you know what, I didn't get that right, or even, you know what, we didn't get that right, did we? We both got all frustrated, yeah, I'm so sorry that that happened. So it's a sorry that it happened, as opposed to, I'm sorry, I mean, that, I'm sorry, that's perfectly fine too, but I'm sorry that that worked out that way, I am.
And that can be quite genuine as well, because if a child was shouting at you, and you were shouting at them, I think it's perfectly reasonable to say, I'm so sorry that we both ended up frustrated like that. Because to say, I'm sorry, I got frustrated, well, actually, it wasn't just you. There was a situation.
So you're sorry about the situation that went in that direction. And that's my first point, really, is that in many times we find ourselves apologizing, actually, the child's behavior too, was not good at all. So it could be that you apologize for your own actions as well.
But I think a larger sort of more big picture view of this is needed. And it keeps us in the executive role in our family, in that leadership role, because our children need us in that leadership role. And when we can say, yeah, I'm so sorry that that, you know, that got off on a really bad foot this morning, didn't it? Yeah, I wish that hadn't happened, that came out harshly, or whatever it is, but that's a bigger picture.
It's more regal. It's more, it's more holding the whole, because our children need us to hold the whole. They need us to be in that role.
That's my first point. Second point is that often, when something has happened, and we've lost it, it's really important to make the repair. As I mentioned, my recommendation is make it within 30 minutes before it really starts becoming embedded into a child's nervous system.
So you know, it's important to make the repair. But what helps us make the repair is knowing what to do, because it's all very well and good. Someone like me saying, make the repair within 30 minutes, please, but yeah, but how? And so here's a little bit of how.
Well, point number one was a little bit of how, but here's another point, is that when we go back to our children, be able to say, yep, that came out wrong. That was frustrating. I wish that hadn't have gone in that direction.
It's whatever, you know, whatever it is that we can say, holding the big picture, and then say, you know, that did come out wrong. What I meant to say was, and this is a, this is very important, in fact, I'd go so far as to say it's crucial, is to say what I meant to say was that, you know, when you, you know, when you speak that way, or when you behave in that way, or when the kitchen is left in that way, or when I've asked you to tidy up your bedroom, and it's even worse than when I asked you in the first place, that, that is what's hard for me. That's what's difficult.
And that's what I meant to say, I meant to say, it's not okay, that when we have to get out in the morning, you start playing again. That's what I meant to say. Now what this is doing is that it's saying what needs to be said, right? An apology just on its own.
It's okay. But it doesn't say what needs to be said. And in saying what I meant to say was, it models reframing.
It's a, it's a wonderful, it's a beautiful skill to teach our children. And goodness knows, we get many, many chances to do this ourselves. But this, this highly social art of reframing, what I meant to say was, because what it teaches a child is that you've reflected on it, and you've got a hold of yourself.
And you've reflected on the way in which you were speaking. Don't we wish that for our kids? We totally wish that for our kids as they grow up. It also models to them that you can come back and apologize.
But that you can also now find the words to express your feelings, the proper words. And don't we want as our children grow up into 11, 12, 13, 14 year olds, don't we want them all to be able to do that, to be able to express their feelings through when they're growing into being teenagers, they can't do it so much when they were little, little. But even if we're modeling this to them, when they're little, they'll hear it over and over.
And when they're neurologically ready, 12, 13, 14, to actually be able to be more conscious of their feelings and express them in a more conscious way, they'll, they'll have been modeled this just endless, countless numbers of times. It's not, of course, as little ones that don't have feelings. Of course they do.
We know that. But the consciousness of this, of their feelings comes later. But it gives us the chance in their earlier years to, in a sense, have them, have them absorb it, have them be able to almost through osmosis, see us be able to reframe over and over and over, we come back to them.
What I meant to say was, you know, we preface it by, I'm so sorry that happened, that my words came out wrong, and everyone got frustrated. That was very hard. There were harsh words, weren't there? That was hard.
What I meant to say was, and in that way, we are building up, building up over the years, if our children are little, we're building up a way of being when things go wrong, a way of being able to pull it back, a way to make the correction, make the repair. And here comes the third step, right? So step number three is, I wonder how we can put that right. I wonder, I wonder how we can put that right.
Now a little child probably won't know, a very little one, a two or three year old. I wonder how we can put that right. You know what? I think there's probably some help needed to put all those trucks back in the basket now, because that should have been done.
I think we need to do that now. I wonder if there's some help needed. I wonder.
For a teenager, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13 year old, it's more, I wonder what we need to do to put this to rights, because we need to put it to rights. And here's a crucial thing, and move on, and move on. I can't emphasize this enough, because kids will do it if they feel they're not going to have to talk about it for half an hour and talk about their feelings.
And it's like, and move on. So how can we, I wonder what we can do to put this to rights so we can just move on. If we, and move on, if we can remember to say that, and move on, it's a simple thing.
Then our kids generally, not always, but generally will buy into it, because it means, oh, okay, we get to not have this great big discussion and have to sit here and do all this stuff, and move on. So those are the steps. The first step is to, yes, apologize, but often apologize for that that went wrong.
That was frustrating. Everyone got frustrated. I'm so sorry about that.
The second step is to make the repair. What I meant to say was, and model being able to make a repair. And the third step is, I wonder, I wonder, and move on.
I wonder how we can put this to rights, and move on. Okay. Oh, gosh, I hope that's helpful, because there's no shortage of opportunities to practice this, right? It's, you might even want to write this.
One parent said, I spoke to them years ago, they said they wrote it on a sticky note above the sink on their bathroom mirror. You know, those three simple little steps. Okay.
And by the way, donations have continued to come in to our podcast. And I'm, you know, it's just money, I know, and it's not the main thing. But gosh, money is energy.
And I just love the energy that is flowing back to our little Simplicity Parenting Institute from so many people. And, you know, every time we put a book in the mail, or one of these gorgeous paintings of Catherine's, or we send out the book reading, every time we do that, please know that those of you who receive those gifts, every time, I sort of, I hope this doesn't sound sort of cliched, but a little blessing goes every time I just say, and thank you, Amy. And thank you, Stephen, and blessings upon your family.
I can't help it. I do. So anyway, thank you for that podcast support.
Okay. Bye bye for now.
