Hello, and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. I'm so glad you could join us again for this special podcast series that we're doing on how to help your child be as resilient as they can be, emotionally, socially resilient. And I'm reading from the Emotionally Resilient Tweens and Teens book, which many, many other points relate to younger children too, of course.
We are launching a care professionals training, particularly in this theme of how to help children be as resilient as they can be. And we do this every year, actually, for educators, care professionals, like counsellors, doctors, nurses, psychotherapists, and so on. So keep an eye out for that.
It'll be in the show notes. But for today, we're going to be looking at Sophie's story. And Sophie's story is called It's Life That's Bullying Me.
And this was a story based, as all the stories are indeed, you know, this was based on a true situation, obviously changed the girl's name, where a young girl is very reactive. And that is so often the way with kids who get targeted and isolated, picked on and teased, is that they're reactive. And part of that reactivity, we covered in the last podcast, which was about their cup being full up, life spilling into their cup, too much stuff coming into their little beings.
And then there's spillage, life's moving too fast, it's expecting too much, it's overwhelming them, and then there's spillage. And that spillage, very often can become reactivity. And it's so often the reactive children that find themselves being picked on, being a target for other children who are trying to hyper control.
So there's this there's this dynamic between the hyper controlling child looking for what they can control. And then the child who's reactive, who feeds into that, and is another kid that is easy to control, because they're so reactive. And this is Sophie's story.
The fast paced, high pressure, too much, too soon lifestyle that many kids lead is overwhelming to them. Their nervous systems almost constantly in amber and the red zone, seldom calming down to green. Stressed kids tend to take things personally.
When their nervous systems are overtaxed, they become hyper vigilant. They don't just sit in classrooms or playgrounds, they scan them for possible threats. And they often overreact and end up attracting unwanted attention.
It's important to understand that the same is true for kids who bully and try to control others socially. Such children and teens are overwhelmed by the unrealistic demands that daily life can place on them. The main difference between a teaser and the targeted child, tween or teen, is that the former's default reaction is an attempt to hyper control social situations.
When their life pace becomes overwhelming, they grasp on for whatever they can control, including other kids, especially the ones who react openly and therefore can be manipulated. The more stress we put on kids, the more likely they'll be to become enmeshed in social problems and controversy. The opposite's also true.
A child who's more at ease and relaxed is far more likely to shrug off put-downs and exclusions. They may even laugh it off, which can be disarming to the teaser, and draw other children towards them because of their maturity that they show and demonstrate. Now this story explores both social polarities by walking through Sophie's journey to understanding why she is so stressed and reactive and what she did to change it.
Firstly, some points of understanding. Even though everyone is doing way too much, it's not healthy. Living at a crazy pace can make you really vulnerable to teasing.
No matter how good anti-bullying strategies are, they don't work well if you're stressed and particularly if you're oversensitive. There's no point trying to live up to other people's expectations or keep up with siblings or classmates if that leaves you exhausted and unhappy. Points of learning.
You can stand up to bullying very effectively when you're coming from a calm, centred place. Dialing back the pace of life is not as hard as it may seem. Doing less but doing it better is far more satisfying.
It's not unreasonable for a child to want to have a childhood. It takes courage to support a child, tween or teen, who may need to step off the rapidly revolving treadmill of unspoken expectations. While it is understanding that parents worry about their children will be left behind, they are not running hard with the pack and it's much more important for their emotional health that we shift our thinking from obsession with winning the unnamed race that promises outer success to helping our kids be the best they can be.
When they meet life at the proper pace, they can develop the foundations they need to become more confident, resilient and socially well integrated.
