Once again, welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne, and today we are following up on our work around resiliency for children and tweens and teens. This is based on the Emotionally Resilient Tweens and Teens book co-authored by me and Luis Fernando Llosa, my dear friend and colleague, and this is following up from the general reading that was the first part of this in this special series. Now there was then there was the introduction to it, then a reading of the story was part one, and that is what you heard last time, and this is part two of the reading of Sophie's story.
So it begins with an understanding and a heading that you you can't actually do it all, and the main theme you might remember of this of this particular story is to try and ease the cycle of reactivity which stands behind so much of when a child is being targeted and excluded. So let's take another step in in this reading of this story of Sophie's story. You can't do it all.
At school I wasn't a total loner. I had two steady friends, Jennifer and Sammy, but we never got to hang out and goof around after school because each of us had activities we had to go to. Jennifer played the flute in an inter-school orchestra and she studied jazz dance.
Sammy followed her sister and her sister Dora's path hoping to become a lacrosse prospect. Dora was a scholarship athlete and played for a nationally ranked lacrosse team. Three of us had had sleepovers but not very often because it was always so complicated trying to get the schedule to fit around our games and tournaments, practices, performances.
Fifth grade was chaotic but I got through it and it really I was looking forward to summer vacations and to relaxing but it didn't work out that way at all. As soon as one sports camp ended another began. At the end of the summer I was hoping for at least a week or two of just total downtime.
I got stuck in a rush writing three book reports on books from my summer reading list. I also kept up with the piano even when I was away at camp because I like playing piano but and also because mum who's a piano player herself didn't want me to miss out on becoming a proficient player as she would often say. Sixth grade well that was no different.
Right from the start everything closed in on me. I had a piano recital at the end of October to prepare for travel soccer that was also in full swing and though I didn't think it could ever be possible we were assigned more homework than ever before. My parents were thrilled about Amanda's summer swim meet successes.
She got promoted to an even more competitive program. I was happy for her too but to be honest I was also a little jealous because dad got so worked up about her and he'd been a swimmer in high school and and he was excited that she was kind of following in his footsteps. I felt weird about it all because I had the sense I'd have to match or surpass her success if I wanted my parents to notice me anymore.
What was even more weird is that I really didn't want to do more of what I was doing anyway. I was already kind of doing way too much but it seemed like that was the only way I could make them proud of me. I was also upset because any hope I had of getting my sister and my best friend back was clearly over.
There was no room for me in her life anymore. She was just too busy being spectacular at totally everything. Things got more complicated at school too.
Back in the fifth grade our home teacher Miss Torney had been really involved. We played games with her at recess and she wasn't just interested in our schoolwork or test results. She kept an eye on our social lives.
Once Sammy and I had a mega fight. She noticed that we weren't talking to each other and intervened to make us both feel better. We patched things up pretty quickly.
She always knew when to step in and when to smooth things out if a fight broke out between rivals that kind of got too heated. Our sixth grade homeroom teacher was totally different. You know Mrs. Brown hardly spent any time with us except when she had to.
She didn't try to get to know us all that much so a lot of stuff happened that she didn't notice. Boys fought, girls got on each other's nerves, cliques formed and some kids even got teased though nothing really nasty happened. In the first two months of sixth grade I started to feel miserable on many levels.
For one thing life just seemed way too intense. There was always a test to prepare for or a practice to dash off for and it seemed like we had a tournament every other weekend that fall. I felt like a hamster bumbling along on an exercise wheel.
Life got faster and faster and harder and no matter how much I tried I couldn't keep up with everything and I got more sensitive and I got more reactive. I got when things didn't go well right and it just didn't seem and I don't think it was just me. Everyone seemed on edge but clearly some kids dealt with it better than others.
Mornings well they were especially hard because I was so tired. Mum insisted that we have a good sit down breakfast but I couldn't even think about food. I just wanted to crawl back into bed.
It made me grumpy. I'm pretty quiet and I almost never argue with my parents but one morning I just snapped. Dad and Amanda were already up and gone to a morning swim practice.
Good morning. Come and sit down love. Mum said.
Do you want raspberry jam on your toast? Sure. I muttered. Well someone seems a wee bit grouchy this morning.
Mum. Well how are things going at school Sophie? Mum asked. Are you getting all your homework done? What do you mean by that? Oh nothing dear.
I was just making conversation. Why do you have to always check in on me all the time mum? I cried out. Don't you see how hard I'm working? I was I was just you're you're always interrogating me.
I interrupted as I stood up. Don't you trust me? Tears streamed down my cheeks as I dashed out of the kitchen. Just leave me alone.
I cried as I grabbed my school bag and headed out the door. I didn't stop shaking until I was a few blocks away. I was kind of shell-shocked by my reaction.
What had I freaked out like that on mum for? She'd asked me about school a million times before and I'd never gotten that upset. What was wrong with me? To get to some weekend soccer tournaments mum and I had to leave the house really early on a Friday night and we wouldn't be back until later on the weekend. I'd do homework on the drives and to the hotel where we stayed for away games.
I love playing soccer and our coaches were constantly reminding us that having fun was our team's top priority. Way more important than winning they'd say. But that's not at all how they acted come game time.
That's when they got all intense and shouty from the sidelines. Slide Tina they'd yell. Get her Sarah take her down.
They'd all scream. Come on girls be aggressive. Some dads yelled at the refs when they disagreed with the calls and every so often they'd get into snarly arguments with a dad or two from the opposing teams.
Particularly when they thought one of the other team players had committed a nasty and unnecessary foul. In one game a girl we were playing against who was really good got yelled at so much by her own dad that she finally screamed back leave me alone. She walked off the field crying right there and right then in the middle of a game.
We all felt so bad about that and my teammate Sarah actually went over to her and gave her a hug at halftime. You know my dad never acted that way at games but maybe that's because he hardly ever got a chance to watch me play in a tournament. He was always away with Amanda at swim meets and in totally a different part of the state or the region or driving back from weekend practices.
The cool girl. On the last day of October Miranda joined the sixth grade class. She was tall pretty and well just really funny though her jokes could be sometimes kind of cutting and sarcastic.
With a single comment or an eye roll Miranda could make anyone feel like the center of the world or an insignificant beetle that deserved to be crushed by a giant boot heel. Jennifer and Sam and Sammy laughed at her zingers. They never took anything too seriously.
Sometimes I'd have to change in the locker room before I left for travel soccer practice. The first time I met Miranda she saw me doing that and she said just out loud for everyone present over here oh here comes our hero little miss world cup soccer. Everyone laughed and moved on but I didn't.
I felt hurt and nervous like everyone liked Miranda but she'd barely been at school for a week and I'd been there like forever. Why hadn't no one stood up for me? Why did Miranda talk that way to me? I asked Jennifer the next day. Do you do you know what's going on? I don't know Sophie she replied.
It's no biggie just just ignore her but I couldn't. Something about Miranda put me on edge and pretty soon it felt like she was making fun of everything I did not just sports. She joked about my drawings and my clothes.
She'd roll her eyes whenever I said something. I knew I wasn't handling the teasing well. I was I was taking everything she said or did way too personally.
She was like that with everyone but I was letting her get under my sick skin. Sammy and Jennifer told me over and over but I couldn't help myself. I got upset and reacted every time she said something I thought was off colour.
Finally after weeks of holding back I decided to confront her. It was during recess I was chasing Sammy and tripped over a tree root. That's pretty klutzy for a star athlete Sophie.
Miranda teased. You have no right to talk to me like that. I shot back picking myself up off the ground.
Oh you are such a darling little thing she replied. Isn't she? A few girls chuckled. Others smiled.
Why are you being so mean to me? I said. Oh you're overreacting a bit don't you think? I am not. Yes you are right girls.
No one agreed with her but no one defended me either. Before you came everything around here was fine Miranda. I said.
Well I'm here now Sophie so get used to it. The next day in class Miranda bumped into me as I was drawing a line at my desk. I flew into a rage.
Why did you do that? Why did you do that? repeated Miranda mockingly. It was no big deal really but I just snapped. Would you just stop it? I yelled standing up.
You're ruining my work. Sophie sit down please said Mrs Brown. What's wrong? Yeah Miranda called out.
That's what everyone is wondering. Miranda hit me I responded on purpose. No way.
It was a total accident Mrs Brown. Sophie I saw no such thing Mrs Brown said. Did anyone else see Miranda hit Sophie? No one said a word.
Okay see me after class Sophie said Mrs Brown. Everyone take your math books out please. That afternoon Mrs Brown suggested I was overreacting.
I didn't see it that way at all but I also didn't see any point in trying to convince her otherwise to avoid any more blow-ups. I just steered clear of Miranda. Pretty much everyone else at school to be honest for the next month.
I just wanted to get through the fall term and just get to Christmas break. Jennifer asked me once at recess if everything was okay. I smiled and I reassured her yeah I was fine but I wasn't.
I was tired all the time. I fell asleep at our drives to and from soccer practice. At home I stopped hanging out in the kitchen with mum and dad and Amanda where even if they were away at swimming even when they came back I retreated to my room instead.
Honey are you okay? Mum asked me on a rare Saturday afternoon when she and I and Amanda were at home together sitting in the living room. Great mum everything's fine. I replied trying to act cheerful.
Are you sure? Asked Amanda. You kind of look pale. No really I'm fine I insisted just maybe a little tired but but I'm really looking forward to Christmas at Nana's.
Mum and Amanda exchanged glances. They weren't really buying my bravado act or at least Amanda wasn't. For several years now we share a secret dread of the obligatory annual holiday visit to our grandmothers.
Nana was so old-fashioned. She liked to sit and chat and sipping away at a piping hot mug of chamomile tea and baked cookies and cakes every day. When we were little we loved it but after three or four days of talking baking and night night turns at go fish monopoly or risk we plotted our escape.
The worst part of it for Amanda at least was that there was no internet service at Nana's. She refused to have it installed and her TV with all four channels available had a fuzzy picture and was basically useless. Nana also had a steadfast no cell phone use policy.
Being cut off from friends and virtually all entertainment was more than a teenage girl could handle. We usually had fun for the first day or two and then died a thousand deaths of boredom. As I walked up the stairs to my room I overheard Amanda say, Mom, I really don't think Sophie's doing all that well.
She was right. I was not myself. I'd become quiet and withdrawn.
I had almost no appetite and my stomach felt like it was tied in knots. Mrs. Brown had called my mom to inform her that several teachers were concerned about me not handling handing in the assignments on time. Something I'd never done before.
I tried to look on the bright side. My piano recital had gone well. Soccer practice they were done for the holiday break and with no end of the year tournament coming up I figured I could rest and recover and and just do nothing much and recover from the fall stress.
So that's the second reading of Sophie's story. You might be able to see where this is going, right? It's pretty clear that Sophie's being overwhelmed and she's getting edgy and Amanda is backing off and Miranda is actually seeing her not just as a target but as a way of increasing increasing her kind of status with the group. See, bear in mind she was a new kid and she was looking for ways to find her way in so she was putting Sophie down and looking for someone who she could do that to to raise herself up no matter how cool she was doing in the way she was doing it.
Now remember this is not a made-up story. This really did happen and as you'll see as the story goes on nothing really was going to change Miranda but in the next part of the story you'll see how Sophie came to an understanding of how she could change. Okay, that's it for now.
Tune in for the next part of this of this story which is coming right up. Okay, bye-bye for now.
