Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me Kim John Payne. A quick little announcement, this coming Saturday and Sunday January 26-27, there will be a Care Professionals course for Simplicity Parenting Family Life. You're a care professional, an educator and you want to learn more about how to bring this into your day-to-day practice.
On Saturday for three hours, Sunday for three hours, we have a training that does exactly that and I personally lead it. It's live and online and you can see it right in the show notes or go to simplicityparenting.com and you'll get more information about the details for that. But many many care professionals, counsellors, nurses, doctors, educators, therapists have taken these trainings over the years.
I think there's a in excess of 1200 people now who have done these various trainings. So anyway, hope you can join us if that's at all interesting to you and if you're listening to this podcast after that date, we do run these trainings year-round. We do four care professional trainings every year, so you can still go to the website and check it out and check when the next one is coming up.
Okay, now this week I've been thinking about various strategies to help with sibling tensions, with issues between brothers and sisters and brothers and brothers and sisters. And one of the pieces in general, when you hear that kind of noise that has you thinking, oh that's not going well, and you can already hear that's not going in a good direction. If you can get in early enough, one of the key things to do is a couple of steps here.
One is to not hesitate to insert yourself. And one of the first comments, one of the first things to do is get in between the kids and just say to them, oh dear, okay, this is not, this is not going well, is it? This is not going well. Is not to, and I know that sounds like, well, that's pretty obvious, but actually we can come into these kinds of arguments that are going on that are starting to ramp up and we can come in saying, no, no, no, no, stop that now.
We don't do that now. And we can come in with a whole bunch of directions, giving kids directions, telling them to stop, you know, that's enough now, cut it out. And it's not connecting before we direct, you know, this comment that I often repeat of connect before you correct or direct.
And one of the simplest connection points when kids, when it's going wrong with kids, is to get yourself in between them and just make a simple comment of connection. Oh boy, this is really not going well. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is not going well. Or this is just not fun anymore, is it? If it's little kids. Well, let's see how we can put this right so we can just move on.
That's the second part of the comment. And I've mentioned this before in one other podcast, the putting it right to move on is way more successful, particularly for kids up to about the age of nine, even beyond really, than talking about a bunch of feelings. Honestly, they're playing together, it's gone wrong, they want to get back to playing together.
Just so to sit down and do some kind of psychotherapy with them is exactly what they don't, most kids don't want to do. And they're often too little to understand the fine nuances of their feelings. Anyway, that's another whole big subject.
But they know that doesn't feel good. But just to say, to say, oh, you know, this is really gone wrong, hasn't it? Oh, dear, this is hard. Oh, that was harsh.
Something's really gone wrong. Statement number one. Statement number two is, oh, let's just see if we can, can just figure this out.
So we can just get on that. That there's two things there. Let's see if we can figure it out.
Like we're just going to figure it. And then crucially, so we can get on. So we can just get back to playing.
We'll just go and do our own thing. But let's just figure this out. So we can get on.
Now what that means is that, is that we're, we're not corralling these kids. We're not painting them into a corner. We're not asking them to sit down and hold hands and light candles and talk about, talk about values.
We're just, it can get too much for kids. And it gets icky. And they, it makes the situation really hard to resolve.
Maybe a little bit of that's okay. You know, it's every family's different. But I've certainly found this key comment so we can get on.
So we can get on with being children. We can get on with playing. And we're not going to psychoanalyze this to the point where it just makes us mad or exhausted as kids.
I guess as parents too. So that's the second piece. Then the last piece is now that we're looking forward, we're not looking backwards.
Because if you look backwards, they'll come up with all kinds of stories. He did that. He took a ha ha.
I had it first. You did not. That was yesterday.
Yeah, well, I still have and you just, you know, and off you go to the races. When you have a forward lookingness to it, their stories will still come out. But it's in the name of moving, moving it forward.
And frankly, it's also a bunch quicker to get on with. And then when you've kind of connected, you've made that empathetic statement, oh, this is not going well, that was really harsh. This is really hard, isn't it? I wonder how we can set this to rights and move on.
Okay, that's the second. And the third is now, would you like my help? Or maybe you can do this on your own. Maybe you can.
Do you remember? Yeah, yeah, just was that on the weekend? You sorted that out? Well, boys, you did or girls or kids, you sorted that out? Well, and that went well, didn't it? You worked it out on your own. I wonder if you can do that again. Or it's really okay, if you need my help.
That's fine, too. Okay, so again, do you need my help? Or can you sort it out on your own? And often they're sorting it out on your own. It's helpful that comes with a little reminder that honestly, they're perfectly capable of doing it.
And you point out when they did it, they did do it on their own, because they've lost track of that because they're grumpy at each other, they're glaring at each other. And what you're doing is holding the good. You're holding their goodness.
You're holding their capacity to sort things out because they've lost it in that little moment. They've lost it. So you're holding it and saying, I remember on Saturday, do you remember when there was a bit of an argument about whatever it was, and I asked you, could you sort it out on your own? Or did you need my help? And you did, you sorted it out well.
And that got back to being fun really quickly, didn't it? But you know what, it's really okay, if you need my help, because we're just going to move it on. We're just going to figure it out how to move it on. It gives kids the chance to work stuff out by themselves.
But sometimes the issue is too big, or one child is dominating too much, the older one or of the younger one, or sometimes younger ones can actually dominate older ones by triggering them by needling them, provoking them. But that's the third step. Now, if they choose to sort it out for themselves, a little tip here, stay close.
You know, get your, I would often with my kids get my sewing out and I just sit and sew, or, you know, get a magazine out and sit and read it or get your knitting out and knit or whatever it is, make some notes for work the next day, not on a phone, don't use a phone in that moment, but just on paper, whatever it is, just stay within earshot, definitely within earshot, in case you need to move in and say, Oh, good, good try kids. But I think we need some help from mom now. I think you need some help with dad, but good try.
Why not try and sort it out yourselves? That was that was worth a try. Let's see what we can do. That's if it doesn't work.
The, the working it out with them, it's really important to not ask kids what happened. Because then you get a bunch of like one story competing against another is, and there is another podcast that focuses specifically on this, but ask a child, tell me, you might turn to one child and say, Miguel, you tell me how you see it, love. Okay, now, hang on a minute, Skylar, you can tell me how you see it next.
All right, because you went first last time doesn't matter who goes first. Doesn't matter. Okay, Miguel, how do you see it? Now, remember, remember kids, that we all see in our family, it's okay to see things differently.
And it's okay to feel things differently. It really is okay. It's so okay.
So Miguel, what you say, Skylar, you may see it differently. And I'm going to be so interested in, in hearing how you see it. I am.
Okay. But it doesn't mean what you how your brother sees it is wrong. It just is how he felt how he experiences it.
Okay. And then you hear how, how he sees it. And you say, Skylar, thank you for waiting, love, you're getting good at that.
Now, do you see it's in the same sort of way or the different things you were seeing? You see, when you say that to kids, when you approach it that way, they don't have to recruit you because as a parent, you're the most powerful thing in the room. And if you say what happened, they'll make their stories more and more exaggerated in order to get your, you know, you on their side. Right? But by cutting right across that and asking them to tell, tell you the way they felt it or the way they saw it, then they don't need to recruit you anymore.
And this is this third step. If they want you to help pay real attention to using it as an opportunity to say in our family, it's okay to see stuff differently. It really is.
It's perfectly fine. When they're done with telling you the way they see it, you know, you just summarize a little bit. You just bring the two stories together and say, okay, here's two or three ideas.
Tell me what you think. And you can initiate some ideas. And even if they don't think it's very good idea, they'll say, well, you say, well, why, what do you think would be better? And you can initiate and remember, we're trying to work this out so we can move on.
Don't make it complicated. Now, if they do work it out, or you work it out, or if they just decide simply and they're working out or you decide someone is just to have space and let the adrenaline drain down. And general rule of thumb is, it's basically their age and move that into minutes.
So if they're, you know, 10 years old, it's about 10 minutes for the adrenaline to drain down if it's not super elevated. If they're five, it's about five minutes. If it's elevated, then seven or eight minutes.
If it's a really simple little disagreement, it's just two or three minutes. But there is an adrenaline drain down. And sometimes with older kids, you can just be really blunt about that and say, we need to have just some space, some calm down, just some space apart.
And look, there being two or three ideas, I'll bring them back in three or four minutes, in 10 minutes, and we'll talk them through. But if they do work it out, even if it is just to give each other space or whatever, I think it's really important at some stage, relatively soon, certainly within that day, at dinnertime, that evening, or even sooner, to say to them, hey, boys or girls, hey kids, well done. That worked out.
You really sort of just moved on, didn't you? Yeah, that was good. And then go. Don't make a big deal of it.
Don't exaggerate it. But just say, well done. Good, good, good.
And you might give a little squeezy on the shoulder and just say, that was good. You treated your brother really well there. Well done.
Well done. So that four-step process is a way, and it's a pretty organic, I know we're all kind of doing this more or less, but the first step is to move in and connect. This is hard.
This is not working out. Something's gone wrong. Words have gotten really harsh here.
Step one. And then the second step is to really say, we're going to figure this out so we can move on. Step two.
Step three is to ask them, would they like to sort it out or would they like you to sort it out? And the little piece of that is perspectives, that everyone has their own right to have a perspective. Step four is circle back to them and let them know that that was pretty great, that well done. Now I hope that is helpful.
All that stuff is so organic, but I'm just sort of lining it up in that way. And even if you just get one or two of those steps, it's still a whole bunch better than blowing up. Okay.
Remember the Care Professionals Training coming right on up this coming weekend. Love to see you there. Literally see you there because it's live, right? On Zoom.
So we see each other and lots of really great learning. It's all based on the Simplicity Parenting book and how to bring that into your work as a care professional or educator. Okay.
That's it for now. Bye-bye.
