Hello, and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. This week I wanted to talk about how to help a child who is struggling to follow what is a perfectly creative and kind and reasonable instruction, but nevertheless, they're still struggling to either follow it or do it. And there are so many ways to approach this, but this is one way that I hope will be helpful to you, is that sometimes we get the feeling that a child is just, I don't know, they're applying like instructional aikido to us.
It's like we're saying something and that is totally deflecting it, you know, that is not taking it on board, that is not allowing it in, and it can be really frustrating, right? And we can then increase the intensity of our voice. We can end up, you know, even, you know, shouting or getting frustrated. And then finally we get the child's attention, but we get it through them, then fighting us back, right? Which is like, oh man, I didn't really want this to happen.
So, you know, all I'm doing is suggesting, let's put our raincoat on because it's pouring rain. It's not exactly an unreasonable instruction, okay? Let's just start with, right at the beginning, by first of all, understanding, and this is something that many of you follow these podcasts will know I talk about quite often, understanding the difference between an instruction and a request. Now, I won't dwell on that because there's other podcasts and it's in my books, you know, about this, but shall we all put our coat? That kind of request, as opposed to now it's time to put our coat on, is a world of difference.
I understand why we say, shall we all put on our coats? Because we're trying to be kind, right? But a child, you know, they don't absorb it so much because they, it's like they're inwardly thinking, no, thanks. No, no. As opposed to now it's time or words to that effect, now we are, and you show them a little, you put your own coat on first, particularly for the younger children, just, you know, bring in their imitation a little bit by doing it, by getting the coat ready and bring them into coat-ness by getting the coats ready or getting the shoes ready or getting the supper, you know, the table set, all that.
We're not just setting a table, we're not just laying out coats, we're creating a mirror neuron pathway for a child to actually absorb and follow. Okay. Now, I want to weave in here another one of these things that you might know about if you read my books and follow the podcasts and such, is the first thing to do is to give a two by two by one.
There is a specific podcast in this back last year, so I won't go into this too much now, but it is in the context of this, is two feet away, your two feet are on the ground and you give one instruction. Often kids deflect you and blow you off because there's too many instructions and they can't take it on board. The other thing implied here is you get in close to a child and don't have to sort of, you know, have meanness in your eyes, those javelin eyes, you know, spear eyes.
It's just you move in close, put an arm around their shoulder and stop moving, stop moving. Be still and give one instruction. First, we're going to put our yellow coat on.
That's the thing that's going to happen first. Yep. It's the yellow one today because it's not cold.
We don't need the puffer jacket below it. Just the yellow. Yep.
Just the yellow. Okay. So that.
Now let's move into slightly newer territory. One of the things that I find important when you give a two by two by one is then to say, to offer a child a chance to reflect back to you. So they've reflected inwardly, the mirror neurons that I often talk about have taken this on board, hopefully, somewhat, even a little bit.
But to deepen that, you can ask a child, an older child, you know, six, seven, eight, nine, you can ask them to do a say back. And a say back is to say, well, you know, I've said what we're doing now, but you know, that's just my words. Can you put this in your own words, what, what we're going to do now? Let's hear your words, not just my words, but let's hear yours.
It's not now you tell me exactly what you're meant to do. It's no, no, no, no. Because they're nine, 10, 11, 12, they're into a, into the middle childhood years, they don't want to be treated like a baby or no one wants to be, you know, treated that way anyway.
But it's, can you put that in your own words? Because they were just my words. What is it we're going to do? And give them a chance to do a say back. If it's a younger child, they get a chance to do a do back.
A do back is you might put your own coat on or you might, you know, you know, set the table or come to the table and you come to the table and they don't, you know, it's, it's all these myriad of things. It's brushing teeth with a very young child, two, three year old, you might get the toothbrush out and you, and you show them and now you do a show back. You give them the toothbrush to brush their teeth.
So it's not a say back because they're too little for that, but it's a do back, but it's a do back based on what you've actually shown them. It might be standing up on the little stool if it's a very young child, and it might be you pop your foot up on the stool and you get up and I'd go hop, hop, hop, up, mummy gets onto the stool. Now, let's see, let's see if Sophie can get up, up, hop, hop, hop.
And you, and you hop them onto the stool and then, nope, hop off. Mummy wants that stool. No, I want it.
And then Sophie might say, no, me. And you're a little, you make a, perhaps it's a little bit of levity about it, but it's either a say back or a do back and, and don't try and go much further until you get the say back or you get the do back. Because if you march right on, presuming they've absorbed this and they haven't, that's when, you know, you, you, you, you turn around a minute later and, you know, a four year old is standing there naked, just spent half an hour dressing them and now they're just standing there in their knickers.
You know what I mean? It's like, oh my goodness, you know, it's, it's don't go any further with coats until you've had a little do back or say back. And then, you know, once, once a child does a do back or does a say back, they can do it in their own little way. They don't have to say it in exactly the same words.
In fact, it's good if they don't, they don't have to do it in exactly the same way. A child might push the, the, the little stool off to one side and saying, I want it here. And it's fine.
They want a little bit of agency in it. They don't want to feel that they're being told what to do, you know, rigidly, but within reason they can have their own little agency or, you know, unless it's weird, you know, but the, but that little do back, that little say back then deserves a bit of a squeezy hug, just as simple. It might be a little hand squeeze on their shoulder, a little, a little hand hug.
It might be a stroking of the hair. It's, it's certainly an eye hug, you know, with those soft eyes that I talked about in a very recent podcast. But they get that little closeness, that little connection through being connected.
And if you do this often enough with a child, little say backs and do backs, they, they come to expect it. And you might say, now, Miguel, what's your say back today? What are your words for that? Now even if it's a nine, 10, 11, 12 year old, you might, you might say to a, to an 11 year old Miguel, Miguel, can you put that in your own words? Because I've said it in mine, but what do you make of that? Tell me how, what you think. That's perfectly reasonable to ask an 11 year old because they've got their own ideas.
And, and, you know, you then avoid the, because you're not asking them to do something huge and out of, you know, just out of keeping with what they're in the flow of. It's a very simple little thing to say to a child, now let's see what your words are for that, what you make of all that. I wonder, and for a 10, 11 year old, I wonder how you can go about doing that for, and for the younger one, the do back.
Okay. So say backs and do backs and, and don't go any further presuming that they've got it. If you think they're, they're actually deflecting you because that leads to a lot of frustration.
Okay. As always, hope that's helpful. Bye bye for now.
