Welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kem Jon Paine. Oh, we did it again, you carved out 10-15 minutes to join me in this, well, it's kind of a fireside chat really, isn't it? So today I wanted to focus a little bit more on the tween and teen years. And for those of you who have younger children, I hope this will still be of interest because it's coming fast.
That's a cliche, but it's an eye blink, and it's here. Now, what I wanted to cover today is a way to talk to, you know, nine, 10, 11, 12 plus year olds about how, when they want more freedom, how that relates directly, sorry, directly to cooperation. The way in which I found kids growing up around 10, 11, 12, 13, they're very much coming into their bodies, right? There's so many changes happening on so many levels within their body, that it's good to just go with that and have some conversations based around that.
And this is, this is picking up on this theme of cooperation. Now, I covered this in an earlier podcast on that, you know, on the theme that we're really doing our job in and around these middle childhood and later childhood or tween or teen years. When we focus on cooperation with our kids, when there's that kind of relational, that it's rather than transactional connection, where it's not all about, if you don't do this, then you're not going to get those new pair of sneakers.
It's, you need to do this, because in our family, a really big value is that we cooperate with each other. And yeah, will you get the sneakers? Maybe, we can talk about that, but that's secondary. What is primary is cooperation, because, and now I'm just putting in a nutshell what was covered fully in the previous podcast on cooperation, is that we're getting you ready for the big world.
You know, in the big world, if you cooperate with teammates in sports, with workmates, with bosses, if you cooperate, you'll get cooperation back, you'll get help. But if you don't give help, then you won't get help back. It's just the way the big world works.
And our job is to get you ready for that big world, love. That is our job. And if you're going to be mean, or say horrible things, or not cooperate, or not want to tidy up, and just not help out in the family, then it would be very strange for us to, you know, make your favorite meal tonight, make that special homemade pizza that you like, when you're refused all day, just to simply tidy up a little bit of your room with my help.
That would make no sense. Because that's not the way the world works. It's not me being a mean person.
It's wanting you to succeed in the world. Right? So that's a briefest nutshell of what you'll see and hear in the other podcast. But I want to extend on from that.
And I've had some really interesting conversations and good conversations with 13, 14, 15 year olds, where you actually their eyes go on to high beam from, you know, up from the traditional low beam of the 14 year old, but where you capture their attention a little bit more by talking about the brain and saying, look, in the brain function, when you cooperate, and you can kind of get the big picture, it involves two aspects of your brain, it involves the aspect of your brain that is called the limbic system. And that's the that's more the cooperative part of your brain. That's the artistic, empathetic, that's the brain that can can receive and give love and, and, and friendships are based on having that healthy part of your brain working well.
And then there's the neocortex, the frontal lobe area where that's all based on the big picture on the executive, it's called the executive brain. This is if I'm talking to a, you know, 12 year old, that's called the executive brain. What that means is that you can hold a big picture, you can you can see the overview of the day, or that you can get a sense of what's needed at that time, because it fits within the larger picture.
Right? Now, in our family, we've talked about cooperation before, but here's the thing about cooperation, is that you're, you're wanting more freedoms, and I totally get that. But freedom is, is it we can give you that that freedom, when you cooperate, and help. And here's why.
Because it'll be showing us that the parts of your brain that understand the big picture, that understand, if I do this, then that's going to have this kind of effect. That's one thing. And the second thing is, if I do this, or not do this, and I step back from that, because it's not a very good thing to do, or I say yes to that, because it is, I understand that'll affect others.
That's the limbic system. And so, in wanting more freedom, the more cooperation you show within the family, this is not just us looking at your behavior. It's actually just the science, love.
It's just the brain science, that when you do cooperate, when you can see the big picture of what's going on, that your room does need to be tidied in the morning, because you want to get out in the afternoon to be able to hang out with some of your friends. But we do need these, these two or three things done first. That means you're developing good judgment, right? You're beginning to really develop that part of your brain.
And if you cooperate, it also means you understand that dad and I, or mom and I, or your sister, or just me, that we have feelings. And that it's upsetting to us when you just plain refuse. And when you can cooperate like this, because you understand that everyone else around you has feelings, that makes good judgment.
So in both ways, you're signaling to us that you're ready for more freedoms, because you're able to cooperate, because those parts of your brain now are developing. When you're a little kid, they weren't really there. Not really.
They were just coming along. But now you're bigger. Now you're 10, or now you're 14.
And you can understand something and it's called cause and effect, where you do something, and it has an effect on others, good or bad. And when you cooperate, you're showing us that you do understand that what you do has an effect not just on you, but on others. And then you know what, we can trust you to give you more freedom.
Because that kind of freedom comes with understanding consequences. And you're coming up to that age where you're getting that now, it's going to be older, honestly, until you're in your late teens, early 20s, and so on, that you fully develop that. But it's beginning now.
And you're showing us this. And I think it's really good to have this conversation, not when there's not cooperation. Okay, so if your child, if your tween or teen is not cooperating, probably not the time to talk about this.
When they do show cooperation and help that evening, say, Hey, do you know what, Kobe, earlier today, when you really helped out, and you got the stuff tidied up, or you helped out in this way, that showed me that, do you know what this it might sound funny, but there's two areas of your brain that are developing, that, that can have a big picture, that can understand that your actions affect others. And you know what, tomorrow, that that that trip that you were wanting to do, which I said was a bit far away down to the beach, and you wanted some friends to come along. So I think we could do that.
Because you really showed cooperation today and help. And I know I said that was a bit far to drive. But I'm going to try and shuffle some things around and do that because you're showing me that you're able to have more freedom.
And I can just drop you off there and go and do my own thing. And be confident that you're going to be fine. Now I know, yeah, I know.
I've never done that before. But I'm ready to do that now. Because you are cooperating.
And you can't really fake that so well. You were genuinely helping it wasn't that you were helping in order to get me to take you guys to the beach. That's not why you were doing it.
And if you were doing that, I'd kind of know it. I really would. But you were genuinely helping out shows me that you're developing the capacity to make judgments.
When you can make good judgments, then it's a much more comfortable giving you freedom. Now, this is the kind of conversation I'm suggesting having with kids this age, little kids, of course, wouldn't get it, it would be a major mistake to talk to a five year old like this. But they just wouldn't get it.
And they'd be confused. And it would be, it would even sort of disconnect us a little bit from a little kid, they wouldn't know what we're talking about, not so fully. But for older ones, if we have this conversation, when things have gone relatively well, and then we move in behind that, and we just wait, a lot of a lot of parenting is just laying in wait for the right moment, right.
And this is the right moment to have that kind of conversation about freedoms. But freedoms are built on cooperation. You know, just to close this episode today, Viktor Frankl, a very well known psychotherapist, wrote some beautiful books.
He was asked in his, when he was quite elderly, what he would give as a gift to the people of the United States, he was living in the United States. And he said, well, you know, as refugees, many refugees sail into this country and have done for generations past, under the Statue of Liberty, this great freedom and liberty that we can have in this country that I'm living in. And that I've been lucky enough to live in all these years.
I'm paraphrasing, but this is pretty much what he said. But if I could give a gift to the people of the United States, I would erect the Statue of Responsibility. I think he said on Alcatraz, on the West Coast, because then we would have freedom and responsibility.
And only then would our nation be lifted out of perpetual adolescence. Now, given that picture of Viktor Frankl that adolescents want freedom without responsibility, I don't think necessarily we have to accept that. We can be very transparent with our tween and teenagers and say the two things are commensurate, the two things are connected.
And when you take more responsibilities, that means you get more freedoms. But in today's podcast, I'm suggesting we come through the doorway of brain science, rather than just, you know, having our kid feel they're getting another talking to, but actually go to their bodies, because that's firmly where they are too. Okay, I sure hope this was helpful.
Bye-bye for now.
