Hello and welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kem Jon Paine. So glad you were able to carve out 10 minutes or so in your busy week. It sounds so easy, doesn't it, 10 minutes, but oh man, it's not, it's really not.
So well done us. This week, I've been thinking about the difference between when a child is being horrible, they're also the difference between being horrible and vulnerable is a very small little journey. What I mean by this is that when children are being horrible, when they are being fresh, they're being defiant, or if they're very little, they're crying and tantruming, and they're also very vulnerable, you know, they're, in a sense, their emotions are being laid bare.
And it's hard to remember that because they're pushing out so hard and pushing back at us so hard. But when they're, in a sense, acting out like this, they're very defenseless, which is why they're defending themselves so much, if that makes sense to you. And in that moment, if we can remember how vulnerable they are, if we can remember how delicate they are, then it can bring up a different reaction in us, almost like we set foot on a different trailhead.
And it's the trailhead, I guess, the big concept to be compassionate and understanding. It's going off on that path and not the path of taking it personally and getting into it. If we know that a child is vulnerable, then our reactions can be soft and gentle or they can be very firm as well.
But the firmness isn't harsh, because we know that they are almost standing emotionally naked in front of us. And it's a moment to remember that it's much, much harder for them when they're acting out like that. It's horrible for them, much worse than it is for us, and goodness knows it's pretty bad for us.
But there is a component of this, that the vulnerability is so present in those moments. It's almost like when they were newborn, and we, you know, within those first minutes and hours and weeks, and we'd look at this baby and think, oh my goodness, how incredibly vulnerable you are, you know? When our child is screeching at us, it's hard to have that same feeling. I get it.
But it is a similar dynamic. And this helps us to not, as I mentioned, take it personally, to start then also acting out of our vulnerability, because then there's nothing to co-regulate with. A child has no co-regulation.
And I don't know if you've noticed this, but when a child is acting out, they'll often look at us, like the older ones who have got their eyes on low beam, like teenagers, you know, the teenagers, their eyes will flick up to high beam, they've said something pretty challenging, and they'll look up and they'll check you out, all the way down to the very little ones sitting in their high chair, who reach forward, and we say, no, no, no, don't pick up your food with your hands, lovey, we use the spoon now, and they pick it up, and then they put it out to the side, and we say, oh, no, no, don't drop it on the floor, and they just drop right on the floor, and then fix you with their eyes, that kind of thing, right? In that moment, they are scanning us, because when a child is acting out, and they're vulnerable, they are also, like our just very ancient neurology, will be, whenever you're vulnerable, you're looking out for threat, you're looking, you're scanning, and they scan us. And if, and they're looking, how is that, how are you, how are you going to be? And if in that moment, we can remember that we're being scanned, we're being pinged, they're echolocating, basically, from our sense of centeredness, well, this little strategy, this sort of reality, really, of remembering a child is very vulnerable, when they're very angry, when they scan us, they will almost invisibly, imperceptibly, the magic of this is that they will know, they will know, if we're, because it's, it's, as I mentioned in a previous podcast, the, the eyes, the, the arms of our heart, and if we know that a child is vulnerable, our eyes will show it, because they can't help it, our eyes will like invisibly just reach out to a child, and it'll be with an open hand, and not with a clenched fist, the, the, the ability to remember a child is defending, because they feel defenseless, is something that can shift invisibly the dynamic and move things along a whole lot quicker. So next time, today or tomorrow, your child is pushing back hard, try it out, try it out for the next couple of weeks, just remember, you are defenseless, you are vulnerable, I know it, you're vulnerable, I know it, okay, I sure hope, hope that was helpful, bye bye for now.
