Welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. You've done it again. You've made the time to tune in briefly to this mercifully brief little podcast.
Today I wanted to mention one of the pain points of parenting, which is kind of, I guess, ironic given my last name. But a pain point is often whinging and whining and it gets us, right? It really gets under many parents' skin. And I want to describe a little bit about a few ways of looking at this and then a possible really just a simple solution to it.
Not the only one, but it's a good one. You know, when kids whine and whinge like this, I think there's a combination of stuff going on. It's sort of multi-layered.
One of the things that's going on is that they obviously need our attention, right? That's not any earth-shattering news. They're looking for connection. And that's a key thing to remember, that they're looking to connect.
It seems, I mean, they're doing it in the most annoying way imaginable, but they are looking for bonding, attachment, connection. And it's not, you know, sometimes a layer to it that we all see is that they're bored, right? And then another layer to it is that they're looking for, well, I guess it's connected to boredom. They're looking for stimulation.
They're looking for a new direction and they don't know how to get there. And whinging and whining is not, it's not this sort of just little kids that do it. Teenagers do it.
Teenagers even can do it. It's some kids do it more than others. But let's just take these things a little bit one at a time.
When children are looking for connection and you got a little bit of a hunch that that's what's going on, bring them in close, you know, put them, just give them a little side hug. Give their shoulder a little squeeze. Give their upper arm just a little bit of a hand hug.
You know what I mean? Just stroke their hair, scratch, give their head a little scratchy. I know this is not easy because they're being annoying, right? But there's almost an oh dear, oh dear. I know you really want to, whatever it is, and they're whining and they're whinging about it.
Oh, that is hard. Isn't it? All right. Yeah.
That's just not going so well. And you recognize that something's not going well, whatever it is, whatever you sort of say after that, you recognize it. And you can even, there's a podcast about this, actually, just say back their words to them.
Not in an annoying sort of, sort of therapized mannered kind of a way, but just, you know, saying that, oh, I know it is really, it's really hard when you can't go over to Miguel's place when you really want to. Yeah. Yeah.
You really want to go over to Miguel and see if he's home. I know that's hard because you've said no, you know, now is not the right time. And yet the whinging and the whining comes.
I think it's often because kids figure they can wear us down, right? Again, that's not any earth shattering news, but just bring them in close, connect, connect with them, connect bodily with them. If they'll let you, if they're little kids, even if they're teenagers, and even sometimes teenagers, just give them a bit of a hug, you know, not a, not a big deal, but just a little, a little touch, a touch on the shoulder, a bit of a squeeze on the upper arm, whatever it is. With teenagers, it can be a bit of an eye hug where you just look at them and say, oh man, that must, I can see that's, that's really, you really do want to, want to go to that party.
But I know, but we're going to be out of town, love. I know you want to go to that party. It's very hard, I know.
But there's a, there's at least a hug in, in your, your eyes, if you know what I mean. The eyes are kind of like the, the, the arms and the heart combined of the, of the soul and just sort of reach out and give them an eye hug. But not a mean eye, not a stink eye, not a frustration eye, just let, let them know you're here because you're getting pinged, right? They're echolocating off you.
They're whinging because they're looking for a reaction. They're looking for some kind of connection. The, the other thing about, is if they're bored and they've got nothing to do, is, and this, some of you might know where I'm going with this, is just let them be bored and just commiserate with them that it's really hard to be bored, love.
I know it's really hard for there to be nothing to do. I get it. I do.
But, you know, I know that's hard. And don't fly into being like an entertainer or a, you know, like, oh, we could do this. We could do that.
We could do, and, because they're just going to say no, no, no, that's stupid, no. You know, that seldom works. It very seldom works.
What you might be able to do, however, with boredom is make one suggestion, you know, it's a good one, and say, I'll get you started. Because you're often, often the suggestions to, to when kids are bored and they're whinging and whining, if that, if that's why they're doing it, might not be, but if it is, it, you know, saying, why don't you go and do that? Why don't you go and do that? It's kind of, it doesn't work often because it's sending a kid away from you, right? And what they're looking for is connection, even though they're bored, they're looking for connection with you. So if you say, look, hang on, love, I can come over and I can, I can get you started.
I can bring, I can get the crafting stuff out and we can get started, but just for a few minutes, because I've got supper, I'm making supper, but you get them started. You sort of, and, and that can often, and say, look, this is my only suggestion. I can help get you started.
If that's not what, if that doesn't seem like a good idea, that's okay, but then you'll have to think of something on your own. Do you get it? Because again, sending kids away to do stuff often doesn't work because they're looking to be near you, even though they're doing it in the most annoying way possible. And then finally, another thing to do, and you can, I'm kind of going to voice this for a younger child, but you can, you can voice this, you can sort of grow this up in age or grow it down, is if a little child's whinging and whining and you're getting supper together or whatever, to be able to say to them, sweetheart, you know, look, this is really hard.
But I know, and I want to hear what you have to say. And I want to see with, I want to look at you with two eyes, and I want to give you two ears, both my eyes, both my ears. And if I was to try and listen to you now, you would only have one ear and one eye, or maybe even half an ear, which would be a very strange thing to have, wouldn't it? Half an ear.
But when I get dinner on the table, then two eyes and two ears. And the, if you grow that up a little bit to a 12 year old, I hear what you, I hear what you're saying, Skylar, I do, but I really want to be able to take it in. I want to be able to process it properly, to be able to be the biggest help I can be to you.
So I'm going to get dinner on the table, that's only going to be about another 20 minutes. And then I want to pay full attention, because I want to help you as much as I can. Right now, I'm not going to be able to help you very much.
And then finally, and some of you have heard me say this, if a child wants an absolute now answer, and they're like, now, I want you to, I want you to tell me now, I want it now, and to be able to, and there is a podcast on this, so I'll keep it brief, is to say, sweetheart, you can have now, N-O-W, you may have a now answer, but it'll be minus the W. We'll be taking away the W. If you want a now answer, then it has to be no, because I can't think about it. I can't, I can't sort of, you know, process it. So I've learned when I can't do that, just to not do anything.
So it will be no, or at least no for now, or no for a long time. But if you hang on till I get supper on the table, or whatever it is, it might be no, but it might be a maybe, or, you know, there could be a yes in this. All of this is a way to, do you hear all these strategies, right? They've all got to do with connecting.
And if we know, you know, that we've got these two eyes, two ears, full attention kind of thing, or the squeezy, the body-based, which is the other one I mentioned, just getting them in, connecting with them. The other one I mentioned is the getting them started on something, and letting them know that's what you're doing, you know, I'm going to be there for a minute or two, but you can get them started, three. If you know you've got a little bit of a strategy, and if you've got a serial, a serial whiner at home, and you have one of these strategies up your sleeve, it really helps us not get so frustrated.
And we can coach kids up over and over and over to be able to wait till we can connect properly, and that helps their impulse control, which is going to serve them in really good stead in the future. Okay, so I hope, I really hope that's helpful. Okay, bye-bye for now.
