Welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. So glad you could join us this week as always. Now this week I've been thinking a little more about timing, about how to have children not just nag at us, you know, that happens too, but how to give them a frame so that the nagging doesn't continue, so that they're okay, that they can settle down and in a sense delay their request, delay what they want, and vitally learn this to respect the timing of others.
That's why I call this episode, If Not Now, When, because I think a lot of it has got to do with for a child, a tween, and even a teen, if they want something, then it's fair enough, you know, but if we're engaged in doing something else, it's really important that they learn to just delay and understand that their mom, their dad, the guardian, teacher, whoever it is that they're approaching, also has something that they're doing that can't just simply be dropped. A lot of modern parenting books get interpreted as, you know, that children are the center of our world and that if we're, no matter what we're engaged in, no matter what we're doing, no matter what time of the day or night, we have to drop everything and attend to them. Now the part of that that of course is so healthy is this deep care for children.
The part of it that's not healthy at all is that children start to feel like we're their butlers, their sort of royalty, and we're serving them as opposed to the reality of the situation, that they are in a family ecosystem and that they're one part of a whole and an important and beautiful part, but one part and not the only part. It's super important also as parents that we help children in this way because when they're with extended family and particularly when they're with school and friends, they are not going to be served immediately. No teacher can do that and friends don't like it either.
So to set kids up on a good trajectory at school, with their friends, at home, with their siblings, it's really important to have them learn to delay, to wait, to build up that impulse control, which we all know is very, very important for future success. So the question is how to do it and I want to suggest that the how to do it happens, we get a chance to build it up because it happens multiple times a day. And that when a child, a tween, a teen asks us for something, of course, if we're available, then we can just, you know, of course, just engage with them.
But if we're doing something, which we very, very often are, you know, say, you know, most of the time, we're also doing something, then we don't just say in a minute, we don't, you know, that's on one hand, and we don't just drop what we're doing, as I mentioned, and turn to them on the other. There's a middle path here. And the middle path is to, is to let them know, when it is, we'll be able to turn our attention to them.
And I mean that really practically, actually, because the in a minute, or the not now that that that slightly edgy, frustrated tone. You know, the not now thing, it's hard for kids, because they will just keep bouncing back, they'll just boomerang back and back, or they'll walk walk away, feeling very grumpy. And then we've got to deal with the grumps when we're done with whatever we're doing.
Or they might not even say much, but they they pull away from us and kind of disconnect. The in a minute is not so great either. Because it's very, um, it's a kind of a saying, right? We don't really mean one minute.
If we mean one minute, then say it just, you know, really. But I think a better thing for almost all kids is to be given a practical heads up, like a lead of when we'll be able to pay attention. Let's say we're in the kitchen.
And we're just about to serve dinner, then be able to say, you know what, okay, okay. And you can hear them out a little bit, you can, I think it's worthwhile, if possible, spending 1015 seconds, if possible saying to a child, okay, tell me your question, I won't be able to give you an answer now, because I'm really busy with getting supper served. But you can tell me your question.
Got it. Okay, after supper, I'll let let's, let's then really look at that. If at all, if at all possible, let them let them tell their question, but it needs to be brief.
And you can coach kids up to do this. And you can even after 510 seconds, almost sort of intervene a little bit, you know, respectfully cut them off, because if they're just about to unpack a whole bunch of stuff and say, well, hang on, I think what your question is, your question is, that you want to get your, your soccer bag, how to get your soccer bag, all ready tonight, before tomorrow. And, and you're not sure where, where your soccer boots your cleats.
Okay. Okay, got it. That helps a lot.
It really helps a lot. Like, it's like, I hear you, I've got it. And, and, and I'll get back to you on that.
The I'll get back to you is is one way of putting it for older kids. But I think the I'll get back to you needs to be accompanied with when I finish serving supper. And when we're sitting down, then I want to give you my full attention.
With little very little children, you can say, sweetheart, I have two eyes and two ears. And if I was to talk to you now, you would only have one eye and only maybe half an ear. But at suppertime, you'll have two eyes and two ears.
And then I'll be able to hear everything that you want to tell me. But not now. That's for very little kids.
Obviously, you wouldn't say that to a teenager. Well, actually, you might if you want to get a laugh, or an eye roll. But the the targeting when you will be able to listen, I've got to get these, I've got two more emails, I've got to get sent off.
They're both brief. Okay, so I will be out. And this is if it's an older kid, you can give a time I will be out in less than half an hour, half an hour max.
If the if this email spill over, I'll pause and I'll come on out. All right. Yep.
Yep. It's it's guaranteed. I'll do that.
With little children, it's it's really is better to not talk about time, but to talk about action. I'm just going to wipe down the counter first, or I've got to, I've got to speak with Daddy on the phone. Now, I'm going to ring him to organize who's picking up your sister.
As soon as I'm done with that call, I'm going to sit right on down with you. Yep, over on the sofa, you can helps actually have a place where you're going to rendezvous. And we'll work out what we can do to make the glue work a little bit better on on your cutouts.
We'll do that. In general, I'm suggesting having kids learn to to pause, like I said, it doesn't have to be every single time. But often just help them pause.
And then the hard part is that we've got to remember to go back, right? We really do. Some parents tell me they said like if they're working on the computer, they set a little alert. Others make a special note on their on their watch.
You've really got to go back to children. Otherwise, obviously, they're not going to believe you. And then they'll keep on going because they know that, you know, last couple of times you said that you didn't go back to them afterwards.
So that that is a sort of a fairly rounded picture of how to help children realize they're a part of a of a family system, that their needs are important, but they're not the only needs. And this will serve them very, very well as they as they grow up within all walks of their life. Okay.
Hope that's helpful. Okay, bye bye for now.
