Welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. This week we're going to be looking at vulnerability. When children are angry, they're also vulnerable.
And they're also very perceptive in those moments. But before diving into that, last reminder, last call for the care professionals training we have coming up right this weekend on Saturday and Sunday in emotional self-regulation. So if you're a care professional, an educator, or you know someone who is, let them know that there's this three hours on Saturday, three hours on Sunday, a seminar, which I'll personally lead together with my dear colleague, Nora, exploring how to help adults, parents with their emotional self-regulation when things are getting tough.
Big theme, right? So really, in that ilk, following that thread, let's dive into the theme of this week. Probably most of us are aware that when kids, little ones, medium sized ones, and big ones, you know, teenagers are angry and frustrated, they're also very vulnerable. Right? It's a hard thing sometimes to get right there on the spot because they're being so challenging.
But they're laying bare, in a sense, their emotions. A lot has bubbled up to the surface, which was, of course, just laying there under the surface. And so often, up it comes, and what we see is an expression of what's been there a long time anyway, or what a child's tendency is when they get frustrated, what bugs them, what makes them frustrated.
Whatever it is, in that moment, they're very vulnerable. And, you know, I've talked a fair bit before in other podcasts about that's when they ping us, you know, this metaphor of getting pinged, of them echolocating, of kids echolocating, sending out really challenging behavior because they're disoriented. And we've covered that, and I cover that in a few of the books.
I think particularly the Soul of Discipline book, I covered, you know, that. But I want to zoom in a little bit more on this question of vulnerability. Because they, in that moment, they are very perceptive as well.
You know, it's more often when kids are little you see this more than when they're teenagers. But they'll do something that is really challenging, and they'll be scanning you. They'll be looking right at you to check out, what are you going to do about that? You know, I remember once one of our daughters picked up some food in her hand when she was little, sitting in a high chair.
And we said, oh, no, no, no, love, don't pick that food up with your hand. You know how to use a spoon now. And she looked at it in her hand, and she just put her hand to the side.
And we said, oh, no, no, we must not drop it on the floor. Let's put it back on our plate. And she just dropped it.
Just, and looked at us, what are you going to do about that? And was just completely scanning us. Now, before that had happened, she'd been struggling. She'd been struggling with her behavior a little bit, like any child will from time to time.
And that was a culmination of a grumpy hour or so. But she was not just vulnerable in that moment. She was also perceptive, and she was scanning.
She was looking at what was our reaction going to be. Now, this is the point, there's many roads that lead off this one. But one road I want to follow is that it's in that moment that it is so crucial that we stay centered.
And one of the ways to stay centered is to know that not only are we getting pinged, not only are our kids disoriented, but they're vulnerable. They don't have many layers between us and them. A lot is laid bare in that moment.
And there is a direct channel that's opened up between a parent and a child in that moment. Now, it hasn't come about in a lovely, joyful way. It's come about in an angry, challenging, disruptive way.
But it is a way. And in that moment, there's that direct conduit between us and a child. There it is.
And if we can remember this, if we can take that on board just a little bit, that they're vulnerable and now there is a direct connection between us. This is a moment of direct connection. And this is a moment that will just that little bit define our relationship.
How I deal with this right now is kind of important on a micro level. It's this micro opening that's occurred. Because in that moment, if we can remember a child is very vulnerable and they're scanning us, the slightest little shift in our gestalt, in our gesture, in our inner emotional world, they will pick up way more than they would just in ordinary interactions through the day.
So it's whatever we do in that moment will be directly received. And it will be received, it sounds sort of funny to say it, but almost in purity. There will be a purity of connection because they've opened themselves.
And often we've opened ourselves as well because they've got our attention. There we are in that moment. Now in that moment, if we need to take a minute, if we're not up for it, then that's okay too, of course.
But in that moment, if we can remember that they are very opened out and they're very delicate, it's almost a little bit like that emotional fever, that soul fever I'm talking about. They're in full-blown soul fever. Some of you might know that from, actually, that's from the Soul of Discipline book as well.
But that soul fever that they're experiencing is just as real emotionally as the physical fever. And we know when a child has a physical fever and they're having real trouble and they're struggling and they can't really, they don't want to eat or they can't keep food down or they're just struggling and we sit near them and gosh, it's hard, isn't it? And we know that they're just at a very low ebb. They need us so badly in that moment and we sit beside them and we put something cool on their brow, we hold them, we let them know we're here for them.
And I really mean teenagers as well, right? When they're really ill, they let us in. When they're very, very sick, there's very little of that teenage angst. All that gets dropped and there they are needing our help.
There they are in full vulnerability, no matter what the age. Now, exactly the same is true with a soul fever. There they are in all their vulnerability, no matter what age they are, and they need our help.
And if we can remember that the slightest shift in our gaze, our eyes being the arms of our heart, there's a previous podcast on that, on the eyes are the arms of the heart. And if we remember the way we look, the way we position ourselves, the tone of our voice, all these things combine to be able to reach a child in that soul fevered moment. Now, it could be that we need to be firm or it could mean we need to be very gentle or anything in between.
But the key to it, or at least one of the keys, is to remember that they very much need us in that soul fevered moment just as much as they needed us in that physically fevered moment. And I find that can then guide us into a response that is much better calibrated because now we're not just sitting within our own frustrations or our own hurt that they've spoken to us that way or they've been challenging or they're not transitioning or they're disrupting or they've treated their sibling badly. And, you know, there's so many things, there's so many layers to this and various, you know, pinch points to all this.
But underneath all that is a child's intense need for us to help orient them. And one of the only ways we can help orient a child is to be oriented ourselves. And then the last dot to join here is one way to orient ourselves is to know they're vulnerable.
OK, I hope that was helpful. Again, the care professional course coming up Saturday, Sunday this week. If you're listening to this on a recording and you've missed the training and you're interested in this little seminar that we run, which does lead to a coaching certificate, actually, three of these seminars, because we run them through the year, they do lead to a Simplicity Parenting coaching license.
But if you're listening to this on a recording, don't worry about it because they come up again each year. OK, anyway, I sure hope that was helpful as always. Bye bye for now.
