Welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. Well, this week I wanted to address this question that often comes up when children are struggling with their behavior and we're left wondering what to do about it. This sort of comes down to a point of a lot of parents speak about, you know, you've got to choose the battle, right? Choosing the battle.
And that's the theme of this week, that question that so often comes up. Now, I want to say right at the top that I don't think it's a question of choosing a battle or not. I don't really, first of all, see it as a battle.
And I get it, that I get the term and I just, you know, of course. But I see it as a moment of defining the family. This isn't a battle.
Arguing and battling with a nine-year-old or whatever, you know, is a very unattractive look. It's like we get into these battles and it's like you can almost hear yourself saying, how did I as an adult get into this situation with a child, with a tween, with a teen? You know, they are nine and I am not, you know, it's not great. But to, yeah, of course, I understand the saying, but I do want to just clarify, I don't think there's any battle, quote unquote, to be had.
It's really much more a question of not correcting, but when to correct, right? It's not that, you know, when a child is a tween or a teen is very disruptive, is pushing back hard, has said something that is hurtful, that really crosses over and it crosses a line to being just not okay when it's lined up against your family values. Even in a little way, I think there is a stop the world moment every single time it's stopped the world. But if it's a little thing, then there's a little correction.
If it's a big thing, then there's a big correction. But is a correction needed? Yeah. You know, this saying of don't sweat the small stuff.
Yeah, I kind of agree. We don't want to sweat. We don't have to break out into a sweat.
But do we need to deal with the small stuff? Yeah. Because it's that from those little things, as the song goes, big things grow. And so what I'm suggesting here is that it's not that question of do I choose this battle or do I just let it go? Do I just simply let this go and ignore it? You know, there may be rare occasions where you do that.
I get it. I do get it. But as a general rule of thumb, no, actually not.
But it needs to be, if it's a little thing, that's the ones we're tempted to let go. And my perspective on that is we don't let it go at all. But we don't take it on in a really big, angry way that there is a micro correction needed.
It might be something like, oh, sweetheart, that's not OK. Something must be up. We'll talk about that later.
And then move on. Because that then isn't a question of choosing the battle. It's choosing the time of engagement.
And if we think about it as engagement, if we think about it as connection, sometimes right there and then in the moment is not the right time. Of course. But do we just let it go? I don't believe it's right to do that.
Because if we let it go, often kids presume that it was sort of OK to do. And we sort of can do that in our family. And those little sort of microaggressions build and build and build over time until they really are a bit out of control.
And a child feels like, you know, hard done by if we come down on them. Because we've missed all those little moments where the correction would have would have taken much less. If we let it go, then what we've got to do to bring it back on course often has to be pretty dramatic.
It has to be a great big scene. And a child, a tween or a teen doesn't kind of feel that's fair because we've ignored and let go so many other smaller events that have been exactly the same gestalt. They've been exactly the same gesture, only on a small level.
Well, there's our chance because the micro correction that we can make in that moment can be very light, rather than waiting for them to build up and having to go in in a very heavy way. So my suggestion here is to not first of all, as I've mentioned, not think of it as a battle, it is an engagement, there is a chance to engage. And engage we do.
And if it's a big deal, then it's definitely a stop the world moment. But it still might need 5, 10, 15 minutes to calm it on down. And saying things like, that was really harsh.
You know, the way in which you spoke to me right now. It's just what we try really hard not to do that. I try hard not to speak to you like that.
And in our family, we have the right, we have the right, everyone has the right to feel safe and feel respected, not okay. We're going to take, we're going to take some time, going to take some space, calm it on down. And then I really want to find out what's going on, what's bugging you.
So we can put it right and move on. But it's not okay. And we'll come back to this later.
Now I'm voicing this in speaking to a tween or teenager. But it's not that you choose to ignore the behavior. Or you choose, okay, I'm not going to fight this battle.
It's not a question of fighting. It's not a question of battle. It's a question of calibrating and a question of timing.
So, so again, when, when the issue is relatively small, it could just be a no, no, no, no. And you could sort it out right there. And then something must be up love.
What's happening? What's happening? You look very, very frustrated. Oh, gosh. What is it? Right, right on the spot.
Or it could be, you know what, I've got to finish off now getting the kitchen all tidied away. But as soon as I do, I want to hear what what was bugging and frustrating you. Because we will, we'll sort it out.
And we'll put it right. And then we'll move on. All right, we'll do that soon.
But not right now. No, no, no, no, no, no, nothing in our family, nothing gets worked out when we're worked up. Nothing.
And at the moment, seems like there's some working up. Yeah, we'll wait till it calms down. Then what it does is that it puts you as a parent, in an authoritative space, it takes you out of the reactive space.
But it also takes you out of this conundrum of do I address that or do I not? It's not a question of do I do it or do I not? It's when and how. But if the when if you're feeling frustrated as well, then definitely the when is going to be in 10 or 15 minutes or more, when your adrenaline is drained down, right? But the but the if, I think is unquestionable, the if it does get worked out. And, and in that moment, there is a little definition of a family, little by little by little, we either build our family through 1000 little, little micro moments of value, or we either we either pull our family down through 1000 paper cuts of micro aggression.
And, and so for me, you know, like us all, I choose values, I choose connection. And I hope this this, this little episode in, in do I choose that battle or not, really helps, helps clarify that. Okay, as always, I hope that's helpful.
Bye bye for now.
