Welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. This week I wanted to nuance one of the themes that comes up quite a lot, that of of previewing, but in particular, previewing by getting out ahead of a potential issue. I find that when we can stand in this more authoritative adult space, it really calms our kids down.
It gives them a feeling of safety. It signals to children, tweens, teens, that they're in good hands, that it's okay, that I'm with you, I got you, we're going to be good, we'll get through this, all that kind of stuff. And getting out ahead of it is one way to do this.
Now this whole way of signaling to kids that you're on it, you're with them, can take the form of, you know, if let's say a little child wakes up a little bit grumpy, right, and you just know that it's not going to be an easy breakfast, it's not going to be probably an easy morning, and that could go through the whole day. You know, we know those days. In that situation, I think getting out ahead of it means to say to a child, oh dear, it looks like this could be a little bit of a grumpy waking up.
You know what, and we'll have some cozy calm down time just as soon as we get dressed. Let's just, we'll figure out ways to make this day go better. Yeah, we can do that.
Now that for a little child is signaling a couple of things, right? It's signaling, I'm with you, I get it, you're grumpy, you're frustrated, something, you know, just whatever it is, and I see it. I've got it. I'm connecting with you.
All that stuff is immediately communicated without going into a whole bunch of details about feelings and all sorts of sort of, you know, psychodramas about it. It's just very straightforward. They are grumpy.
They know it. They now know that you know it, and that you know that you can do something about it, and they know it as well, and at least you're going to try even if it doesn't work out. That.
Now for a teenager, it's kind of no different. If a teenager is being feisty and sassy, and you can get out ahead of it a little bit and say, oh wow, this is, you know, they come home from school, and they're just, they've got a little bit of restraint collapse. They've held it together all day.
They're done, and just getting out ahead of it, because you've got the evening, the afternoon, and the evening to get through, particularly the evening, you know, just to say to a teenager, well, it must have been a lot to cope with today. Not sure what it was, love. We don't have to go into it now, but we'll, you know, we'll see if we can get through this.
We'll see what we can do just to make this an okay, an okay evening for you. Yeah, yeah, all right. We don't have to talk about anything at all, but just, yeah, we can do it.
We'll get through it. We don't have to, yeah, okay. That kind of, you can hear the conversation maybe.
You don't want to go into great big details, particularly after school. There's a, actually another episode of this in these podcast series about that actually, but it does signal to a teenager, you're with them, you see it, you've got it. You know that it must have been a tough day to get through, or something came up that, you know, made it hard, and you're going to create space for them.
You might, you know, a parent of a teenager might even say, look, if you need some extra space this evening, just take it, love. If you don't feel like having supper with us this evening, I know, I know, we normally, we normally do, but it's really going to be okay if you just feel like you need some space. Yeah, yeah, no, if you feel like you can't do your homework tonight, you just need to decompress, I'll write a note for you.
I'll contact the teacher. We can do some catch up tomorrow. Let's just get out ahead of this and see if we can get through this evening, because I sure don't want to be another person that's frustrating you, or whatever it is.
That, that's what I mean about getting out ahead of it, because not only does it say to a child, look, it's okay, you know, that, you know, I'm with you. It also says it's okay to feel that way. Yeah, it's okay to be grumpy.
It's okay to be frustrated. It's okay to be angry. It really, we tend as a society to dampen down that, or try to circumnavigate it, or just are uncomfortable with it, but just saying it very simply, you know, I can see that something must have come up today that, that was hard.
And you might even have a teenager say, nothing came up, like whatever, you know, who knows what will be said, but just the fact that you've recognized and, and kind of made it okay, that they're not feeling okay, is, I think it's very important to, to not suppress, to not say, we're not going to go there. We won't talk about it. I can see they're very frustrated.
I won't say anything. It might be okay, sometimes to not say anything. But often, it's perfectly fine to say to a 12 year old, you know, for example, something has happened that is, that has been hard love, and being frustrated is fine.
We'll, we'll find a way through it. You let me know what it is you need. And this is the last thing I wanted to finish off this little episode with, is this question of let me know what you need.
And you're not, you might not even be sure what it is you need. I think a 12, 13, 14, 16, 17 is perfectly capable of answering that question. A very little one, not so much, we have to define what they might need a little bit more.
But with the older ones, just let me know what you need. They might say, I just need some space. Okay, then you got it.
And if you need more, just let me know. Then we're almost like, we've really come alongside them. And we're kind of almost like the guardians a little bit of their need.
And kids love that they, they, they relate to it. And it's not, it's not a great big deal. This happens just little by little, as the as as the days and weeks roll on.
But if we can recognize the need, and then get out ahead of it, then then it is a really solid way of forming these little connections on a day by day basis. As always, hope that was helpful. Bye bye now.
