Well, welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. We'll continue this week on this series of raising emotionally and socially resilient kids. Last week I read from this book, Emotionally Resilient Twins and Teens, which I co-authored with my dear friend and colleague, Luis Fernando Llosa, and this week we'll continue on in that fourth chapter, which I think is one of the core chapters of the book because it really does put the foundations in place of, it's almost like a little bit of a do's and don't list, more to the do's than the don'ts.
But if your child's struggling socially at school, with friends, if there's emotional struggles going on where they feel marginalized, left out, pushed to the edge of life, to the periphery, then this fourth chapter, I hope, will really speak to you. Now, if that's not happening for your kid, then that's wonderful. And so this, I hope, will be worth listening to for two reasons.
One is that you can be a friend to a friend who might have a child going through that, but also to prepare for when it does happen. And I say when because it almost always is a matter of when this will come up. It's a part of learning.
It's a part of growing. It's a part of becoming for a child to grow into a tween and a teen and an adult, that these kinds of social isolation situations will come up. And it's a matter of what we can help and mentor an elder, really, our children through these situations.
So here's the conclusion of chapter four. And oh, just before that, the Simplicity Parenting Care Professional training is coming right up very soon. You can see it on the Simplicity Parenting website or in the show notes right here.
It's for care professionals, educators, anyone working with parents to support their children who are being marginalized and teased, bullied, pushed aside, which is such a phenomena for life today for children. And yeah, it's three hours on Saturday, three hours on Sunday. I personally lead the training, and yeah, registrations are open now.
Okay, so to the reading, how to speak to your child about reactivity without making them feel bad. If your child's being picked on, left out, pushed aside, it's important to help them realize that this is not happening because of things like their body shape, their appearance, their mannerisms, even their abilities. This can be hard for them to grasp, because that is what they're used to being teased about.
So they naturally believe it's a cause of their troubles. I remember talking to a 10-year-old, I'll call him Tony, who was convinced that he was being teased because he couldn't hit the ball well in a daily game of t-ball. Tony clearly was a strong batter, but when I asked him if there were other children who weren't good hitters, he matter-of-factly replied that there were five others, he counted them up.
He listed them by name and informed me that he wasn't exactly the worst. I asked him if all five of the other bad hitters, as he called it, were being teased or made fun of. He named one who was teased a lot, but there were four others that weren't.
Then I pressed him about why he thought the four weak hitters were never teased, while he and the other boy were taunted and put down. Tony was silent for a minute. He tried to figure this all out.
Then he asked, Do you think it's because Jaden and me get really mad and I shout back at them, and Jose and Mia and others will... They don't. I nodded slowly. Yesterday, Mia swang so hard that she spun around and fell over.
She lay on the grass and shouted out for us to call an ambulance. Everyone laughed. I did, too, when he told me that, because I knew Mia, I knew that's what she would do.
OK, I said, what would have happened if you had missed a ball like that? Oh, they would have called me all kinds of names. Tony was on a roll now and and I would have got embarrassed and I would have shouted back and then probably stormed off. I I threw a bat once.
Did that make them stop? I asked. No. Oh, they laughed even harder and said even worse stuff.
I gently suggested that he was not being taunted about his t-ball batting skills. At first he looked confused. He'd always believed that this was the crux of the problem.
But he eventually agreed with me because of the simple fact that there were four kids at least that were as bad as he was and they were never teased. It was finally dawning on him that the teasing wasn't triggered by his lack of skill, but by his what he called big reaction to their taunts. This was a moment in the conversation with him.
I've led countless children through this kind of conversation, and it's hard to look at their faces when they realize the truth. Many felt that they were actually to blame. It's very important to move in quickly to assure them that they've been brave and that they've done the best they could and most certainly they have done nothing to be ashamed of.
In fact, they have now uncovered their superpower. When kids like Tony finally realize that they inadvertently empower their tormentors when they react in anger, hurt, fear, and that when they don't react outwardly, they keep their power for themselves, they begin to shift the dynamic. One young teenager put it perfectly.
He said, I've been putting so much wood on their fire that I've been getting burned and they think it's fun. They're not going to get no more wood from me. Another kid told me it's weird because the more I get mad, the bigger they get and I just end up feeling really small.
So many comments like this come out when you speak with kids and it's really kind of heart rendering, really, but that's the point that they've got to get first and then we can move on. I can help. I am here for you.
Above all else, children need hope when they're disheartened because their social lives seem desolate. You've created a space, tried to be present, done your best, and now to understand their superpower is to control their reactivity. But what can they actually do to make this stop? And here I'm going to list some things.
We have the tools. A clear and simple statement that you can show your kid how they can stop the teasing will provide them with relief and usually with a new kind of emerging confidence. You can say this with quiet certainty.
Why? Because you'll work together using the effective stories of trouble and triumph that are laid out in this emotionally resilient tweens and teens book. In this book, the stories will provide you with many ideas that will help you and your child turn things around. And I'll be reading one of those stories in coming episodes.
Actually, I read one out, oh gosh, it was about a year ago now. There is another story from this book. The next section.
Ask if they want to know about the tools. This may sound obvious, but it's important to knock on the door when a child is troubled. Asking to be let in sends a clear signal of respect and empathy.
If you followed the advice given here and built a solid foundation, very few children will reject your offer of help. We need to connect before we direct. That's a quote from Gordon Neufeld.
And if the connection is not strong enough and they only crack the door open just a little, don't worry. Back up and figure out what you need to pay attention to in order to address their hesitancy. You might say, you don't look so sure, love.
What is it that I can do to help and you can help me understand? And just back it out a little bit. Don't get pushy. Many other kids have used these tools.
When a child is worried because nothing has worked for them, they will really light up when you tell them that many kids have used these stories and strategies to stop teasing, exclusion, or even bullying. And moreover, they've made new friends. That one's important.
Thousands of kids around the world have learned to stand up and be strong. And they can too. Plan and practice together.
It can be a little daunting for a child when you tell them that they must learn some new strategies. Assure them that you will help them make a plan. And that won't be complicated.
And that together, you'll choose an approach that is doable and feels natural. It won't feel fake. A lot of kids are worried about that.
Next, let them know that you'll practice with them at home before they have to use the tools and these new strategies at school or at the sports club, wherever it is. Tell them it's like learning lines for a play. You have to memorize the lines and know where you'll speak them on stage.
At first, while they are rehearsing, they might feel a bit strange. But after a little while, all actors get the hang of it and it sounds believable. As if they are really speaking for themselves and not just a character in a play.
For example, let's say your child has listened to one of the stories in which a character repeats a few simple phrases over and over when trying not to react to teasing. They decide to say, Heard it before. Boring.
I'm not making that one up. That's one that a child made up. And they say that when they are teased about being, for example, a slow runner.
The next step is for you to tell them that at least three times each day for the next few weeks, you'll try to catch them unaware and call them Turtle or some other name the kids have used at school that they've been taunting them with. Your child will then practice saying, Heard it before. Boring.
Without visibly reacting. You do this together until they feel ready to use their comebacks at school. It's so funny.
You can just quietly come up with a little bit of a wink and a smile on your face and say, Hey Turtle. And they say their lines. Heard it before.
Boring. And then, you know, you give each other a high five. It's actually really rather humorous and sort of lovely.
It's our secret. A mother and daughter, I'll call her Gaia, worked out a strategy for her to deal with nasty rumors that were being spread about her on the soccer team. They discussed how Gaia could break out of the pattern of being forced to defend herself.
They kind of workshopped her lines. After sifting through some bad ideas and laughing at some failed attempts, they came up with, Who made you the rumor police? That was pretty good, right? They practiced how she would say it each night to make sure it was just right. There's actually a story in this book, Elena's story, Rumors and Whispers, because a lot of girls' marginalization teasing happens with rumors and that kind of quiet but really hurtful stuff.
That's in Elena's story. After her soccer practice, later in the week, Gaia climbed into her mum's car. I did it, she exclaimed, elated.
I asked Emma, the soccer team's gossip-whispering chief, Who made you the rumor police? I did, Emma said. And you know what came out of my mouth then, mum? Gaia told her mum, almost giddily, I said, Oh, did I miss the vote for the police chief? We never planned on that line. I guess I was just inspired.
But the very best part was that some of the other girls laughed out loud and they talked to me just like they used to before Emma started all this horrible stuff. I must admit, I was so elated when Gaia's mum told me about this. I sort of felt like Gaia got her mojo back, you know, through that support her mumma gave.
What pleased Gaia's mum the most about the situation was that Gaia felt so validated. She and I worked out a strategy together, she said. Gaia's mum told me, but she executed it all by herself.
And that made her feel so confident, which indeed she was. So this is a key thing, is that we can support the kids, but we can't always be around. You know, of course we can't.
So to help them develop these strategies, to stand inside their own space, inside their own power, and have them feel like, I did it. That's just beautiful. OK, so here's the last little section of this chapter.
Encouraging Parental Perseverance. When you approach your child about their social difficulties, you may get brushed off. Kids often think they get it, and they react defensively when you approach them.
I know all this stuff, one tween called Diana told her mum. Her mum suggested that Diana read Sarah's story about a girl who gives a clique that she's eager to join too much power over her until she learns how to stand up to them without overreacting. That's another story.
Sarah's story is another story in this book. I can figure this out on my own, mum, Diana insisted. Her mum, who I was counselling at the time, was stymied.
How can I help her, she asked, when she rolls her eyes at everything I say and throws up a dismissive wall to shout me out and shut me down. The truth of the matter was that Diana clearly couldn't handle the situation on her own. Kids just often can't.
They're right in insisting that they recognise the principles of these common-sense strategies to combat teasing and exclusion. However, they clearly don't know how to turn their thoughts into actions with any consistency. If they knew how, they wouldn't be in such a socially tangled-up situation.
Nevertheless, it's not surprising that some kids push back when their parents offer to help. They've become practised at being defensive and will try to conceal their vulnerability. It's important that doctors be gentle with kids because they're very tender, they're very vulnerable.
And, you know, if they say they know this, I know this, mum, oh my God, I know this, just, yeah, sweetheart, but we'll figure out how to take your knowing into doing. What you can do in such a situation is to assure a child, tween or teen that you believe they know this way of dealing with taunts or exclusions. You just want to ground it with their good insights into everyday strategies that can help them put an end to the unfairness that they are experiencing.
Diana's mum quietly insisted her daughter read the story. When she finished, Diana was silent. She clearly had seen her own struggles reflected in Sarah's story and the friendship woes that she had.
Soon after, she was able to talk things over with her mum and eventually improve her social situation. Let your child know you want to check in with them briefly every couple of days just to go over how the strategies they read about in the book can help. Promise to keep the conversation brief and practical.
That's important. You're not going to bombard them, but let them know that you'll be checking in. So they're not like, why do we have to keep talking about this? Just let them know that you're going to check in.
It's your job. You're the mum, you're the dad, you're the guardian. When a kid says, I just want to be left alone, that is precisely the time when they desperately need someone who cares deeply for them to remain close.
This is especially true when exclusion and isolation are at the heart of a social problem. No matter how prickly or sullen they get, they need to remain emotionally, and we need to remain emotionally present, both, and walk beside them with patience and persistence. So that's that core chapter in the book.
We put some more flesh on the bones of this chapter in the Simplicity Parenting Care Professional Emotionally Resilient Tweens and Teens in that seminar, because this is really right at the heart of what kids have to understand if they're going to break this cycle. Does it mean that the club, the sports club, the school, don't have to play their part? They absolutely do, but we have no control over that. If the school is going to do what the school is going to do, they might be really good at it, they might be really bad at it, but what we can do is coach our children.
And in the coming weeks, I'll read through a story about a situation that came up, a real-life story, not a made-up one. So the care professional's training is in the show notes down below, but most of all, I hope this chapter has been helpful for you or will be helpful for you in the future. OK, bye-bye.
