Welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. I've got a little bit of an announcement actually, which I'll save to the end of the episode so we can just dive right in, but some exciting new developments over here. This week I wanted to talk about how to help kids when we're giving a direction that they're pushing back on and also how to help them understand when a boundary is put in place, when there's a no that is firm and kind and loving but clear.
So how to go in that direction and the name of this episode, you know, you might have caught it, right? It says it all. It is slow and low and no means no. So let's start off with the slow part of it.
We often think because children can speak so rapidly that they can also process our speech in the same speed and it's just not true. Children speak a lot faster than they understand and so when we really want a message to be received by a child, then it's really important to slow our speech down in overall, you know, in everything that we do. If we slow our speech down, it's going to be processed in a much better way.
Now that's particularly important if we're putting a boundary in place, if they're meeting no, then it's very important because that they process that because we mean it, it's important, that is, you know, comes up for very, very good reason and it also helps us not need to repeat and repeat and repeat the instruction direction or boundary. So slowing our speech down, not so that it's weird or anything, but just, just that little bit slower so that when a no comes their way, they can process it, but they also hear something in our voice that is a little more solid because they know we're processing it. It's not just a like a hit and run comment to you, for want of a better term, it's not just something we're saying on the fly, you know, talking and moving.
No, it's got to do with we're slowed down, they know we're inhabiting the no that we're giving them. So slow our speech down, that's the first and then the low. The low is being able to bring our voice down from our throats, which is often a little bit compressed and we're a bit rushed and our voice is coming from high and kids also will go up with that movement gesture, that gestalt, they'll go up with it.
And, and, you know, we, we really want to give them the message that, that whilst we love and care for them, we mean this without being mean. And to do that, children are very tuned in to the tone of a voice, they're extremely tuned in, it's a primitive thing. They're just little, they've got little legs, little arms, even tweenages, you know, they, they know that their safety depends largely on us and others.
And so they tune in to tone. It's one of their really primitive survival strategies. They don't know it, but they do when we were little, we did it too.
It's why being shouted at is so shocking for a child because they're really tuned in to tone. So by dropping the tone of our voice from our throat, down through our chest, down through the solar plexus, and in to the abdomen and pelvic floor right the way down. That.
When we do that, we are going into a different space within us and our children, particularly younger ones up to about the age of seven or eight, have these mirror neurons I've mentioned from time to time in this, in these episodes. And they follow our movement gesture, our gestalt, if I could put it that way, they follow that and it's involuntary. It's actually an involuntary thing.
So when we move ourselves downwards, they come down with us and they come to a more grounded place and less frenetic, less movement, less, and they, they, to some extent will come with us as we do that. And this, this movement downwards. So our voice becomes settled in our belly is a way for a child to understand process, understand that, that they are safe, but their parent means it, you know, that, and it doesn't have to be said in a cold way.
It, you know, in a steely way, it can be said, you know, to a younger child. Yeah, I know. You wish you wish you could decide, but that, that, that's not a child's decision.
That's a mummy's decision. That's a daddy's decision. Oh dear.
Yeah. No, no, no. And those three no's.
No, no, no. Down it goes, down it goes. And it can be quite loving.
Doesn't have to be harsh. And, and actually, interestingly enough, often it gets a bit quieter as well, and children have to lean in to hear you. And they definitely pick up the message that this is important.
Some parents have said to me, they even find themselves just putting their feet an inch or two further apart, and they spread that space down. So their voice goes down, but they continue to send that space, that energy downwards, right into their feet. So they build this deeper foundation, I guess, because if we're trying to put the scaffolding up, the framing up, we need the deeper the foundation, the stronger the structure.
And yet so often, when we give a no to a child, we're actually building it on very shallow foundations, if any at all. We're building them on shifting sands quite often. Then comes the third step of no means no.
And that no then comes out of a space that can be stood upon, stood behind, because we've created that ground under our feet, and the no then is immovable. It's, it's not a shaky little doorway. It's a boundary, and it's a wall, and it's a no.
It doesn't, it's not, it's not, again, it's not this kind of horrible thing at all. In fact, a child, even though they don't like it, it helps them feel safe because they're meeting a boundary. And as I've mentioned in a previous episode, boundaries we often associate with containing, but actually boundaries, like fences, keep scary stuff out, you know, as well.
So a child knows they're safe, even though they might not like the no that they're given. So, slow and low, and no means no. Now, this little announcement, well, it's actually a big announcement.
Here at Simplicity Parenting, the team and I have been beavering away for months now. Some of you have gotten word of this perhaps already, but we have now developed an online platform called Simple Family Living. And on that platform, there's little workshops, smaller ones, there's larger, we call them journeys for a deeper dive, a week by week by week support as you go through life with your kids.
There's platforms to be able to speak to each other as parents. And they're beautifully laid out, you know, this whole, I mean, it's a gorgeous site, gorgeous artwork, very clear. But these episodes, three out of every four.
So for three weeks, these episodes out of every month will go into the, and it'll be accessed through Simple Family Living. One of them a month, just in case you're not interested in Simple Family Living, we'll still continue to put out, you know, in the normal way, you know, Spotify, and so on, Apple. But the, however, whatever platform you listen to it, that'll continue, but just once a month.
Now, these podcasts are categorized, they are curated. So if you want to find something, if you want to find something about transitions, or sleep, or eating, or whatever it is, you know, defiance, behavior, they're, you know, in all the different categories, subcategories underneath behavior, we've actually gone through this with a fine tooth comb, and you'll be able to go right to that theme that you want in the, in the near future, we hope to make it even word searchable, but that's still on its way. So if you're interested, click on the show notes, I think they're called, down below, just click on that.
And that'll take you right to the Simple Family Living site. You can have a poke around, have a look. The episodes that are coming up in the coming weeks, they will be on helping kids through failure, and meltdowns when things don't work out.
There'll be another podcast along similar themes, actually, of breaking projects down into smaller steps, so that children again, they don't melt down when things don't completely work out. So it's, it's helping children be able to, in a sense, try something, get to a place, re-evaluate, shift what they were going to do in that big, big picture that they had, often quite unrealistic, but be able, but it's gorgeous, right? And be able to shift and adjust. And this is a big life skill, right? And then that third one will be on impulsivity, particularly verbal impulsivity, when kids interrupt with, and they might be saying the right thing, but it's the wrong time, or whether it's complete non sequitur, how to help children with impulsivity issues, and be able to know when the right time to stay, and when the right time to go.
And I'll talk about baseball metaphor a little bit in that, too, I think. Okay, so that's it. Simple Family Living site, click right below, have a poke around.
I think you're going to really enjoy it. I sure hope so. Okay, bye-bye for now.
