(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.)
Welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim-John Payne. So glad you could join us again this week for this just little, little block of time. Whether you're driving in the car, sitting at home, making a meal, I'm so glad you could join us.
This week with the Simplicity Diaries, we'll be focusing in on balancing kids' needs versus the family's needs and how to go about that and how to raise children that understand their need isn't the only need, but alternatively, don't subjugate their own needs completely. So that's the theme coming up in a moment. Just before we get into that, over at the Simple Family Living site, this amazing site where you can put in a question of whatever is coming up for you, and we have this closed system with just all the books and all the lectures, all the podcasts have all been fed in and you can ask a question like, my child won't go to sleep, or my child is refusing to eat or whatever it is, and up will come four or five top brief suggestions based on simplicity parenting.
And also the podcast, you'll be taken exactly to the podcasts, like a 300 and whatever it is podcasts. So you'll be taken right to the podcast that covers that and the handful of bullet points that also you can read very quickly. Anyway, that's over at the Simple Family Living site.
Amazing site. In the podcasts over there called Simple Steps, what we'll be looking at this week is how to work with a child when they're deliberately trying to upset you, when you can see that they really are going at you, and how to work with that. We'll also be looking at independent play and the through line of independent play, how how that cultivated well in childhood avoids codependent adults, which we, you know, like we raise our kids, we want them to be strong and independent.
And we really don't want them to be in these really difficult, we don't want to be watching them at in their 20s have have these destructive codependent relationships. And then the final podcast over at Simple Family Living will be about accompanying a child when they're upset and what to do in those flashpoint moments that avoids getting into action reaction patterns. Okay, so that's those three podcasts are over at the Simple Family Living site.
And but let's just launch in now with with this week's theme of us and me. Any child who, you know, is growing up in our family, any child's going to have these impulses, these desires, the world is just full of things that they want to do. And they usually want to do them right away or don't want to do them right away.
And so when a child's impulse to get to get this done that you do this for me now that you and that I want this for them, it's understandable that they're operating like that. There's nothing wrong with that. It's nothing out of the ordinary, because their prefrontal cortex in their brain, and particularly the frontal lobes, they don't have that big picture yet.
They don't have that ability to see, well, their brother has got to get to soccer practice. Their father is trying to get some work done. Their mother has emails to answer.
The baby is crying. It's like, no, I want you to do this for me now. And they don't easily have that ability to take in the bigger picture.
That's the prefrontal lobes, that big picture, that standing back going, oh, you know what? I shouldn't really ask for my dad to get my crafting equipment out for me right now, because the baby is crying and he's with her. Maybe there's a little bit of that. I'm not ruling that out, and some kids can do it more than others.
But in general, when a child has an impulse and they're all in their will, which is a good thing, right? It's good that they want to do this thing or whatever. But for them to be able to understand that there's a larger aperture, there's a larger family ecosystem that's at work here is terribly important. It's important for them to develop future social skills, future empathy, and in particular, impulse control, to realize that it isn't just what I want to do.
It is what I want to do when it can be done, right? So to raise a child, a successful child into their adulthood, so much of it depends on developing that social and emotional intelligence, realizing that they're a part of a whole, and going for it at the right time. Okay, so now, with all that said, the brain-based reality is that they don't have highly developed capacities for that, really right through early childhood, middle childhood, and even into their teens, into the third phase of childhood. So what is it that we can do? Now, in those moments, it's almost like we're the external scaffolding, like we are the, it's almost like the external frontal lobe.
We're scaffolding that. They can't easily see it, but we can. And so in those moments where there's just this strong desire and impulse of push, pushing, nagging, wanting, it's just a slow drip, really, to say to a child, and it's fair to say to them when, oh yeah, oh gosh, and let them know that you hear what they want to do.
And you can say, oh yes, Jacob, I can see that you want to get all your beading materials out. Mm-hmm, okay. That's the first part, is just recognize.
Don't just say in a moment, because that in a moment thing is like a big black hole to a child, because you might forget. And so when little children bug and bug and bug, and you ask them why, those who are, you know, calm down a bit or a bit more articulate will say, because you always forget. Okay, so step one is to just recognize what it is that they're pushing you to do.
Okay, so, uh-huh, oh yeah, all right. So I do need to get out to the garage and move the car for you, don't I? So you can get your bike out. Okay, absolutely, yep, yep, got it.
That. So you say what it is they need. The second step is to give a time stamp and to say, look, I've got to, you know, clear up the kitchen now, or I've got to, this is the one email I have to answer.
And it's probably, if it's an older kid, you can say this probably takes about 10 minutes. It's not one of those long ones. And then I'll come out and move the car, all right.
So could you check back in in about 10 minutes? And then I'll, I'm almost sure I'll be able to do that. With a younger one, they don't have that sense of time, that clock time so easily. So with a younger one, it's got to do with, I'm just going to clear off the counter.
I'm going to take the, I've got to get, or I've got to get the laundry out of the machine and then I don't have to hang it up right away, but I do have to go up and get the laundry out now, put it in the basket and bring it down or whatever it is. But be really practical. I've just got to set the table or what, you know, I've got to finish chopping the vegetables before and then promise, then I'll come do this for you.
Or then I'll listen to what you want more. Right now, you wouldn't get my full attention, but I'm just going to finish whatever it is. And for little kids, it's usually, it's hard if it's any more than 10 or 15 minutes, but make it as practical and as visual as possible.
And you can also say to a child in this moment, because quite often when they're, when they're wanting something, they're wanting something, quite often what they're wanting also is you. They're wanting you and your availability. In some situations, not all, but if it's a practical thing you're doing around the home, you can just say, come sit with me, come sit with me.
Do you know what? I was thinking that, or I, I was, you know what? I remembered grandpa this morning. I remembered when he, and tell them a little, I remember when story, but just that you don't have to, it's important that a child feels that they're welcome to be with you. Even if you're doing some work related stuff, I know a phone call is probably different or a zoom meeting, but where possible they can come sit with you and you can have supplies at the ready, like a, like a, a book for drawing or some, if they're little, some beeswax for them to play with, or some, there are some parents who actually prepare for this so that whilst they're doing that email, the child sits with them and does some drawing or gets their favorite book out and starts looking at that if they want to, if they don't want to, that's fine as well.
They can sort of wander off and, and do what they're going to do. But that, that be with me, and I remember when story from the family's biography. This is really helpful because what you're basically saying to a child is that we've got to balance us and me and us as a family and me as an individual and you, and it makes a lot of sense if we're talking about us, that us is, you know, has to be valued and not just me and I want, then it makes a lot of sense to tell them a story about their family, doesn't it? Because that is all about us.
It makes a lot of sense to have them sit with you because that's all about us. So you're modeling actively what it is that you're talking about. And then, you know, 10, 15 minutes later, sometimes it has to be longer, I get that.
But even if the, and this is just the last little point, when, when it is, when that 10 minutes is up, 15 minutes, and you're going to, you know, say, okay, now let's see what we can do. In other episodes, I've talked about breaking things down into smaller, biteable sections, like projects, you break down into phases. In the Simple Family Living site, you'll be able to just to search that and it'll pop right up breaking projects into phases.
Because when you're, when you're done, that first part of the task that you're doing, you can say to a child, okay, I finished getting most the vegetables chopped now, I am going to need to, you know, whatever it is, I'll need to get the rice on in a moment. And that's, that's that second part of what I'm doing at preparing our meal. What's the first part of what you want to do? I've done my first part for us, because so much of what we're doing is for the family.
What's the first part that you want to do? Because it's important that, that a child understands that you can, if it's, you know, that there's all sorts of other competing things you've got to do. And you're not going to be able to sit with them for an hour or two and, you know, basically be their butler. No, what's the first part of what you want to do? How can I help you get all that ready? How can I help you set up for that? It might be a teenager wanting you to drive them somewhere.
Okay, well, how about you get all your stuff together? You, you, you pack the things that you're going to need for the day. I'm going to go back and, and finish some of the whatever it is that I was doing, do that second part. And then we'll do your second part.
I've got to see, I've got to, you know, make sure that the, that the baby's diaper, nappy is changed. And then I'll come right on back and we'll, we'll see what, what comes next. So that when you do pause, that it's not that everything is going to be achieved.
It's the first part that can be achieved, maybe even the second. But there are other members of the family, including yourself, that have other things to do. And not everything a child wants to do can be achieved in one go.
Okay. So I hope that's, that's really helpful because it is a frequent point of derailment in a, in a family when a child is not getting it, that their needs are the only needs. And without getting into too much talking to a child, you can just simply tell them there are other things going on here.
And that's important to us as a family. Okay. So again, I hope through the week that'll be helpful because it almost certainly will come up.
Okay. Bye-bye for now.
(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.)
