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Welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Ken John Payne. Ah, so glad you could join us again this week for these brief, mercifully brief, little podcasts. Today we're going to be talking about how to help kids, and actually ourselves, um, get the tone right when often the tone of something that's said is, is not okay.
Right? So we'll be talking about that today. But before that, I wanted to let you know that over at the Simple Family Living site, there's three more podcasts every week. There's one here, wherever you get your podcasts, you know, Spotify, iTunes and so on.
But there's also three other podcasts every single month over at Simple Family Living. And you can go right on over there and see those podcasts. One will be about how to how to bring kids out of that, you know, and have them have them relate to you and have them engage in discussion.
When you ask that question, like, how was school today? I mean, I don't know, or good or so, but particularly kids who just don't like to talk about that stuff. So some key idea about that. There's also going to be another one on how to avoid that craziness of, of almost like parenting whack a mole, like multitasking, where you just feel that you're running in, in, in ever decreasing little circles.
And then the third one will be on a novel way to bring children out of meltdowns, without getting in their face without confronting them without adding fuel to their fire. So those are the three over at Simple Family Living. And you can just go right there and access them there.
There's a free trial and all that stuff. Right there, Simple Family Living. Okay, so on with today's show, cue music.
The thing about when when kids are sometimes saying something, that is that it's actually okay. What they're saying, the content of it sometimes is just fine. Now, sometimes the content is not fine.
But in both situations, their tone can be right off the tone is wrong, what they're saying is wrong. And I beg your pardon, what they're saying is not wrong. But the way they're saying it is just not helpful at all.
It's rude, it's fresh, it's aggressive, it's grumpy. It's okay that they're children and they they need some coaching in how to go about that. So this is what I call tone coaching.
And, you know, we get multiple opportunities every week, every day kind of thing, to be able to help kids hit the right tone. Because hitting the right tone with what they have to say, means that they're attuning, it's almost like they're tuning an instrument, they're tuning their tone. And that ability, as the years go on, to hit the right tone means they're attuning to the situation.
They're attuning themselves to who they're talking to, when they're talking. So it gives them an ability to have a sense of timing, and a sense of tone. And those things are so important in their future success in life, right? So these multiple opportunities we get to give kids this ability to just withhold an impulse, sense the right time, to be able to sense the right time, and then speak in the right way, will mean, yeah, it's really helpful today in the family, but it's helpful making friends.
And it's helpful in at school with teachers. And very importantly, it's helpful. In fact, I think it's crucial in their future life when they're grownups.
So tone coaching for all those reasons. Having said all that, the tone coaching is pretty darn simple. And that's to basically rank it a 1, 2, and a 3. All right, so here's how it goes.
A 1 is a right tone, right time, and they've just nailed it. They've got it. Right tone, right time.
Well done. That's a 1. That's a top score. And you can even say that's a 1. Top score.
Well done. Perfect. Right tone, right time.
Thank you so much. That was just, you just got it right. And it really makes me want to listen to what you have to say.
All right, now what is it? That's a 1. A 2 is, maybe it's the right tone, but it's the wrong time. It's just the wrong time. You're juggling getting dinner on the table.
Well, no one makes dinner. You're making three dinners because she doesn't like this, he doesn't like that. They have an allergy to this.
You know, it's like, hmm, the plates are spinning. And it's just not the right time to be able to pay attention, even though the tone is right. Right? So that's a 2. A 3 is the wrong tone, wrong time, not okay.
That's a 3. It's just, it's got nothing to do with anything. It's not the right time. And the tone was really off.
It was, it was aggressive. It was whingy. It was whiny.
It was, it was just not the right tone. And it really was not, not choosing a good time. Now, if a, if a child does, you know, has a 2 or a 3, I think it's perfectly reasonable to let them know, let's say, let's say it was the, the right tone, but it was the wrong time, right? Is to be able to say to them, oh, you know what, Kobe? That is, I really appreciate the way you're asking that.
That's a good tone, love. Well done. But it's, it's the wrong, it's the wrong time right now.
We've got to get in the car. But once we're in the car, then I really want to have my full attention on what you say. Okay? So, or once I get dinner on the table, I want to give you my full attention.
For very little children, you can say, look, daddy or mommy has two eyes and two ears. And at the moment, I could only give you one eye and half an ear. And they, some kids think that's kind of funny.
It's a bit goofy, but they get it. I want to give you two eyes and two ears. And I'll be able to do that as soon as I put the plates on the table.
Let's wait till then. And the child might say, I don't want to wait till then. And you say, you know, I'll really be able to pay full attention to you then.
And we can probably have a much better chance of working it out. Yeah. So, because that's what's in it for the child is that you're going to be able to work things out.
Now, if they insist on now, no, now you can easily, and this relates to an earlier podcast way back, I think in the, in the early days, like in the 100s, because there's over 300 of these now, but is that they want to now answer, and they know their letters and their spelling. You can give it to them. It's, and say, do you want to now answer? That's N-O-W.
N-O-W spells now. Yeah. Okay.
But if I give you a now answer, it'll be minus the W. It'll be no. Now answers are always no. Now means no.
Now would you like to, now you don't have to say that to a kid many times, too many times before they get it. When you look at them and say, do you want a now answer? Really? You want a now answer? I can give you one. That.
Okay. But you might pick up that where I'm going with this is that you give them a grounded, almost like a time scale. It's because you're saying, when I get the dinner on the table, when we get in the car, after bedtime, we can talk about that.
But it's after bath time, we can talk about that at bedtime. You see what you're doing? You're not just saying not now. That's just an open invitation to whinging right there.
No, you're saying, I'll do this, and then we'll have a very, I'll have a very good listen to you. Okay. Now a three is, is, you know, wrong tone, wrong time.
And I think it's really important to tell kids that to say, you know, that that tone was really off. That was the wrong time. And, and that has got nothing to do with anything right that we're doing right now.
And yeah, that's not very helpful at all. Now, if they're talking about something that is that is, you know, some, like I said, a non sequitur of some sort. But what they're trying to do is, in a certain way, be a little bit provocative.
Children are occasionally known to be a little provocative like that. I think it's really important, if we can get out ahead of it with this tone and time coaching, is to then be able to correct that, but really not give that a lot of attention and get out ahead of it by saying that was a three, that was wrong tone, wrong time. And I can't pay attention to that.
I'm collecting up the lunchboxes now so that we can put them in the backpacks. Can't pay attention to that. When you've got something that you really do need to say to me, yeah, then come on back.
And I really want to pay attention, but I'm not paying attention to that. And then you get on and they'll say it again. No, no, I can't pay attention to that.
Say it again. No, no attention. No, I can't pay attention to that love.
That's got nothing to do with anything. And it's this broken record, broken record, over, over, over. But I want to finish off with this one.
You know, if a child gets a one, then I think it's a point of little, like a minor celebration, and just to look at a child and say, oh, Maria, that was the beautifully said at just the right time. Did you choose that time to speak like that? Or good choice, if it's an older child. That was just the right time.
Thank you, love. Now tell me a little bit more of what you want to do, because gosh, I sure want to help you. You only have to catch a child getting it right like that, and you make a little tiny bit of a fuss about it.
Not so much that it's embarrassing, but just a little bit. That's coaching them up to actually choose the right time, choose the right tone, particularly if the outcome is they get your full attention. So this is time and tone coaching, and gosh, it's important as the years roll on.
Okay. And don't forget over at Simple Family Living, we're talking about meltdowns. We're talking about how to help children come out of a communication cave where they won't communicate.
And we're talking about that feeling of whack-a-mole, of just way too many tasks at the same time. That's over at Simple Family Living, and that's in the show notes right here. Okay.
Bye-bye for now.
(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.)
