(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.)
Welcome back to the Simplicity Diaries with me, Kim John Payne. This week we're going to be addressing a tough situation when our children come home and tell us that they're being isolated, not fitting, being teased at school. We're going to be looking into what we can do for our kids in those situations and some sort of really basic, you know, stuff, some base camp stuff.
Quick reminder though, registration closes soon for the Simplicity Parenting Care Professionals Training on Emotionally Resilient Twins and Teens. That was on Saturday, November 7th, Sunday, November 8th. And I, as you might have heard me mention, I personally lead that together with Nora Hildargo, our Training Director.
And it's for, you know, care professionals, educators, volunteers, anyone working with kids. And that may interest you. There's a link right below if you want to check out more information about that.
But the registration is closing soon. Okay, on to the theme. If our child comes home and tells us that they are suffering, you know, they're being isolated, they're being picked on, they're being left out.
Boy, does that bring up the mama bear and papa bear instincts in us. And I want to just go over a few aspects of what we can do in those situations that particularly sets the scene for being able to deal with it on a more subjective level. But first of all, if our child comes and tells us that sort of thing is going on, create space for them.
Teenagers tend to tell you episodically, they'll tell you a little bit, and then check out whether you're going to get weird on them. And then they'll tell you a little bit more, and then check it out. And teenagers tend to do it episodically.
Some teenagers don't, they'll just tell you the whole story. But when they tell you a little bit, don't squeeze them for more. Don't say, well, there's got to be more.
Just let them be. And then they'll, if they can trust that, and that you're not going to, you know, cry or scream or shout or blame. And that's the other thing, when your child tells you stuff, really be aware of not blaming other kids.
Because secretly, your child might want to be friends with those kids. That's why it's affecting them, that they're being left out, and it creates a real tension. So another thing is don't demonize that child.
Don't demonize that family. Don't put them down. Okay.
Now, moving on from there, it's when a child's relationships are thinning at school, we need to thicken them at home. What I'm saying is, it's we need to establish a stronger family base camp. They've got a journey to make.
They're going up that social emotional mountain, and they've got a journey to make. And we're going to help them with it. But the first thing to do is create more time and space for a child.
Cancel that meeting. Take some personal days from work. Whatever it takes, this is not life as normal.
It's just not. Things have to change. We need to make time to go camping, to do some baking together.
Whatever it is that they like to do, cozy on up to them. Get more done with them. And even if they're not, strictly speaking, wanting to do stuff with you, be around more.
Don't underestimate what it is just to be proximal to them. Even if they're in the room listening to music, going in, checking, taking them in a cup of tea, rubbing their feet, you know, if they'll let you. Whatever it is, but be around a lot more.
And that strengthening of the family base camp, doing the things they enjoy, being with them, that is fundamental to them, to us then being able to coach them directly in how to face this and how to navigate it. If we try to give them a bunch of advice before they're feeling safe within the family, that advice will be watered down. You know, it just won't be as effective.
When they're being picked on, left out, feeling isolated at school, their brain stem, their amygdala, you know, fight, flight, freeze, collapse, control will be triggered. We need to help them feel safe. We need to help the brain stem calm down.
Because if we're trying to give them coaching, and they're still in amygdala hijack, much of that coaching, much of that advice is just going to go right by them. Then we can turn our attention to being very aware of not getting our biographies caught up in our kids biography. Because it triggers us, right? When our child tells us that, be really aware that you're there for them.
Now, can you be, you know, remembering back to your own experiences and having that inform you in the space you create for a child? Absolutely. But don't get enmeshed. A lot of kids, they don't like it.
It's their issue. They don't want your issue to over, you know, basically overspread, you know, all that. With that done, and that's going to take a week or two.
But be careful about pounding desks at school, ringing other parents, and that embarrasses a child. And if you embarrass them, they are going to close off. So just stay with them and avoid any, any hint of embarrassment, and work with them about what kind of steps to take that won't make the situation worse.
Then you can begin the coaching journey of helping them be less reactive, untangling that reactivity, because it's the reactivity that often powers the kids who are doing this. Am I suggesting that the school shouldn't be addressing the kids that are doing this? Not at all. They, that needs addressing, but that's beyond our circle of control.
We can't control that. We can't. But what we can do is help our children, coach them out of this reactive situation.
It's in no way victim shaming, in no way. What it is, is working with what we can control. So helping them, and this is what we'll talk a lot in this care professional training about.
It's also in the Emotionally Resilient Twins and Teens book, if you can't make this training. But this seminar, it's this six-hour seminar coming up. But the gist of it is helping a child stand within their power, be strong, and not be so reactive, and giving them the really practical tools of what they can say and do when that provocative behavior comes, or excluding behavior, comes their way.
But the first thing to do, and the thing I wanted to focus on in this episode, was establishing a warm, safe, secure family base camp. And it almost certainly will mean us changing up our plans for the weeks ahead while we create space to help our child through this situation. Okay, I sure hope that's helpful.
Bye-bye for now.
(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.)
